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01/21/2012 07:34 AM

My bipolar husband cheated with other men.

MoonpieMama
MoonpieMama  
Posts: 73
Member

I've been married for going on 8 yrs. My husband was diagnosed as bipolar in the first year of our marriage when I insisted he go to therapy because I discovered he had a serious problem with lying. Sadly, things have never been what I would consider "GOOD" in our marriage but I've stuck it out. I entered the marriage with a son and I felt responsible to make it work because I had brought this man into my son's life and allowed him to form a bond. After spliting with his dad when he was little I didn't want to put him through another breakup.

I noticed early on in the marriage that my husband seemed hypersexual. In the early days of our relationship I thought the sex was exciting and good but after the marriage more and more he seemed to constantly be pressuring me for more. When I didn't want sex and said no he would sulk and pout and become spiteful. He was always trying to blame me and make it seem like something was wrong with me for not always wanting to have sex with him. At the same time I was discovering more and more of his lies and dissatiisfied with his behavior and treatment of me in general. I tried to explain that because I couldn't trust him to be honest and because he wasn't very nice I was less inclined to want to have sex with him. This didn't make any sense to him at all. He couldn't understand why we couldn't just, "Fuck" despite not getting along. He would hound me so much that I would eventually just give in so I could get a break from all the pressure. It didn't feel very good. It made me feel used and empty. It still does.

I got pregnant a few months after we married. My husband was at that point in therapy but things seemed to get worse. His therapist seemed to just validate all his feelings and coddle him. But I had hope because at least he was in therapy. He was started on medication but was not consistant in taking it. He was always going on and off his meds.

When I was 8 months pregnant, a week after our 1 yr anniversary I found his messenger program open on our computer while he was at work. I then discovered that he was contacting other men and looking to have sex with them. One of them came through the small town we lived in for work and he was inviting him to our home for sex while I was at work. Another one was a cross dresser who my husband had scheduled to meet for sex the very next day...I found the info the night before he was supposed to go meet, (While I was at work apparently. I worked days and my husband worked nights.) I found a lot of other emails and chat transcripts where he had been having cyber sex with other men. The content was so disgusting. He was fantasizing about really violent and degrading sex acts not to mention he was seeking sex with other men when he was married to a woman.

I confronted him and true to form he lied at first. I'll never know how much of the truth I've ever really found out. He claimed he didn't ever meet any of these men and that he wouldn't have gone through with meeting the guy the next day. I didn't believe that. He told me he had been molested as a child and that part of his bipolar disorder was hypersexuality. We fought for days. I couldn't eat or sleep I was so upset and I lost a lot of weight which isn't normal for a woman about to give birth. I eventually agreed to stay. Mainly because I was scared and didn't really have many options and now instead of just my older son who considered my husband to be a father, I had a baby as well.

For the next few years our relationship would get better for a while, when he was on his meds and going to counseling and then things would fall off. He never stayed on medication for a consistant period of time and he would always stop going to therapy. I had hope though at times and tried to be understanding and compassionate about his disorder.

After the birth of our 2nd child, ( My 3rd) I again discovered information on our computer and this time it was clear that he was acting out on his urges. He had been meeting another man for sex. It's impossible to begin to explain how painful and absolutely soul shattering it is to have that happen. I confronted him and he admitted to it and said he had stopped, (From the emails however it seemed like the other man had stopped contact.) Again I got a big explanation about being molested and bipolar and hypersexuality and how he hadn't been taking his meds. He claimed to be so sorry and knew it was wrong to stop taking his meds and said he felt horrible about what he had done.

The worst day of my life was going to my doctor and asking to be tested for STDs because I had discovered my husband was having sex with another man. I bawled to the point of becoming physically sick. The nurse and my doctor tried to comfort me but it was clear from their faces how shocked they were and that they didn't know what to say. I think the looks on their faces may have been the worst part. People don't know how to react when you reveal that your husband is screwing another man.

I was an at home mom with 3 kids, no money and too ashamed to let anyone know what was going on. I feared leaving him...I fear leaving him.

We are still together although he's never really made ammends or been completely honest about his actions. We were without insurance for the last 3 yrs and honestly could not afford therapy although he has stayed on his medications. We don't really have any emotional or physical intimacy. I don't trust him at all. We don't have a sex life. He seems to think that if he waits it out eventually I'll give in. There's always a promise of a doctor's appointment and the promise of, "I'll go back to therapy." I don't have any faith in therapy any longer. He's been to several therapists and my impression is that my husband is always able to fake his way past them. They've all been overly sympathetic towards my husband and seem to see me as cold and somehow deserving of his behavior or excuse his behavior with no regard to it's effect on me. One of the past therapist tried to tell me that nobody is 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual and we all fall into a spectrum and it was okay and normal for my husband to act on his same sex urges. One therapist accused me of being cold and rejecting just like my husband's mother and if I would only be more loving and accepting then things would get better. All of them have told me he isn't gay and that this sort of thing is common with bipolars. I'm tired of paying for therapist who write my husband a free pass for what is life alteringly painful.

I just...I don't know. I need to know if anyone else has gone through this? I need to not feel so alone and ashamed. I need to find my way through this and get to a point where I can clearly make a choice to leave or clearly see that there is hope. Yes, now that he has stayed medicated for the past 3 yrs there clearly is a improvement in overall behavior. Things are no where near as chaotic or scary. But he's still not willing to sit down and give me a straight, (No pun intended) answer or have an indepth discussion about his same sex urges or his hypersexuality. He has told me on more than one occassion that he doesn't think there has to be any connection between trust and sex. That we should be able to "Fuck" even if I don't trust or like him.

I have found info online that backs some of what the therapists have said up. This does seem to occur in other bipolar cases with hypersexuality.

I don't know. I just need help.

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01/21/2012 08:05 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Moonpie: WOW. Just when I think I've heard it all....

I couldn't kick this bastard out the front door fast enuf.... My husband envisioned himself as a 'swinger' when we were young. It wounded me so completely to the emotional core that I haven't had sex with him for years. (BIG PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT HERE!)

When you allow a man to have sex with you when you don't want to, it's called 'RAPE'. I don't care if you're married to him or not.

Please read 'The Rules':

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-spouses- discussions/general-support/2729144-warhorses-top-10-rules

I think it's extremely difficult to find really 'good' mental health professionals. I think that many of them go into the field because they're trying to 'fix' themselves. I don't think much of therapists in general. I think it's more important to find a good pdoc.

Please keep posting.


01/21/2012 09:15 AM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6921
Group Leader

Hi, MoonpieMama. Welcome to the group.

I've read through your post several times now and to be honest, I'm having trouble understanding why you are still married to this man. He cheats on you, with men, yet. He lies to you. You don't trust him. He pressures you constantly to have sex with him even though he isn't very nice to you (in your words).

You say you don't have any emotional or physical intimacy and that you don't trust him at all. There is nothing in your post that gives me any indication of a reason for you to stay with him, other than the fact that you are afraid to leave.

Am I missing something?


01/21/2012 09:26 AM
MoonpieMama
MoonpieMama  
Posts: 73
Member

I actually worked in mental health for about 7 yrs, I met my husband while I was employed as a mental healthcare worker. I think that just compounds the shame on my end. I didn't see warning signs until the weeks before our wedding. But yes I do agree that it is very difficult to find a good therapist, (I am not a psychologist or therapist. I did direct care with mentally ill teenagers.)

I have previously sought support with a group designed for straight spouses of gay or bisexual people. While I can identify with some of what they are going through or have gone through the mental illness aspect of my marriage seems to be something they don't identify with and makes it so I don't really feel like I fit in that group. My husband doesn't identify as gay or bisexual. He identifies as heterosexual with bipolar who recreates aspect of past abuse during his hypersexual mania. I don't know what to think and my opinion changes as to if I think he's gay or not. I think he's really ill and irresponsible.

I have not told many people about the reality of my marriage and those I do tell are shocked and dont' know how to respond. And part of my reality is I'm not in a place where I can just leave easily. I have kids but I don't have money.How do I find housing for the kids and I that would let us keep the kids' dog? I live in a small town where finding a job to support myself and my kids would be very difficult. I live in a small town...I don't want people to find out about what he's done. I don't want my kids to deal with the fallout. I'm afraid if I leave the court will allow him visitation and I won't be there to be the sane one anymore when my husband has the kids. What if he goes off his meds while he has them? What if he acts out on his hypersexuality and allows people access to his home that are dangerous? What if he attempts suicide if I leave or after I leave? He has threatened in the past and had a 48 hr psych hold due to that threat.I want my kids to have a father.

And there is the sick part of me that still has feelings for him. I care for this man. He isn't always a monster. There are moments where he is better to me than anyone else ever has been. I don't know how to reconcile those feelings with the fear and the anger and the shame he also creates.

I'm so physically and mentally exhausted. Living with him means always having my guard up. Always looking for signs, avoiding triggers, checking the truth and looking for untruths, buffering interactions with others, shielding the kids, thanking him for everything and apologizing for the smallest things, walking on eggshells, swallowing my anger. I don't feel like I'm me anymore. There's no time or space for me. He and his fucking bipolar disorder dominate everything.


01/21/2012 09:35 AM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6921
Group Leader

Big hugs, MoonpieMama. You sound so tired and overwhelmed.

Living with him sounds like it is exhausting you.


01/21/2012 09:59 AM
sososad51
sososad51Posts: 2438
VIP Member

Moon, wow. I am so sorry for your pain. You feel so stuck. So betrayed. I know how you feel. The lies. The checking up on truths. The catching them in these situations. Bottom line. Betrayal. I caught my ex-fiance with a dating profie on Trannydate.com. My heart dropped. He was always a bit metrosexual. When I confronted him, there were excuses of porn and revealations of how he "liked to fuck women" along with a laundry list of his escapades. Needless to say, it was traumatic and a living hell. I can't imagine having to continue to live with him, forgive and catch him in the act again. You must be going out of your mind with greif. I have been seeing a psych for 8 months to straighten out this mess. Yes, she does say that bipolar in their hypersexual state will choose opposite sex, same sex, even animals. Also inanimate objects. I read on the boards here that one member's brother with BP I drifts in and out of homosexual affairs, as well. So, some of what your therapists say correspond to this. However, if he had these fleeting urges, he wouldn't act on them. They would be a passing thought, IMO. I really believe that there is a latent desire, deep seeted. But whatever the the psychology is behind this, the fact of the matter is that he went out of the marriage and cheated. Putting your health at risk. With strangers from the internet- a higher risk. With strange MEN from the internet- the highest risk. I don't care if he has BP or not. The is unexcusable. Unforgivable. You have to remember that HIS actions are NOT a reflection of you. I was ashamed, too about telling people about the tranny site. I still am careful about who I tell- not many.

IMO, I think you should start letting your support group know about this. You need them now. Are you involved in the church? Maybe falling on them for charity to set you up in a house would be helpful. There are women's assistance groups in the area. You can do this on your own. He has to pay child support, too.

Big big hugs to you. This is not your fault. He destroyed your marraige years ago with his cheating and breach of trust. Nothing can be the same again. I would still keep going to those groups of spouses who find out the partners are homosexual. You need assistance and support to work through this complex, complex grief.

You didn't deserve this. It's not your fault. I don't care if he is BP and was molested, he always had a choice not to solicite tehm and meet those men. He did it anyway. He single handedly destroyed your marraiage.


01/21/2012 10:22 AM
StellaRue1
StellaRue1  
Posts: 17
Member

Wow, I starting reading your post in hopes I could offer you some help and insight. However, you've done that for me.

My ex came home from a party one night and insisted we have sex, even though I didn't want to. I've always known deep down inside that if I ever said no, I would be replaced. That's how much sex mean to some untreated bipolar people.

During sex, I felt his rear and discovered he had lubricant on his bum. I said what is this? He smiled and said he had just let a co-worker fuck him in the ass and give he a blow-job. Said he really didn't like it much, but now he knows he's not gay. Told me just like it was nothing. Not even caring about how much this would hurt me.

I couldn't tell any of my friends and family because I was so ashamed, so I just forgave him because he promised it would never happen again.

Two months later he dumped me for a woman he knew 4 days, told me I had 2 weeks to move, he would be living with her until I got out. They got married two months later, are planning on having children and moved out out state.

It wasn't until after this horrific breakup did I discover he is untreated bipolar I. His sibling and mother also have it, since it does seem to run in families, I should have known.

You have to understand that your husband is not man enough to control these feeling when not on his meds. I've read that these sexual urges are so so strong during a manic phase. He's in selfish mode when manic he could care less about anyone other than himself. You have to think of what it would be like if your children lost their mother to AIDS.

I'm still struggle without my guy, I still love him, however I didn't cause this, I can't control this, and I can't cure this. Until he make the decision to stay on his meds, you need to protect yourself for your children's sake.


01/21/2012 10:22 AM
MoonpieMama
MoonpieMama  
Posts: 73
Member

Thank you all. I'm stuggling but just having a safe place to state my reality is priceless.

01/21/2012 11:55 AM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13484
Group Leader

moonmama

welcome to the group that nobody joins on purpose.

xo xo xo


01/21/2012 02:27 PM
sososad51
sososad51Posts: 2438
VIP Member

Moon, I have also read on the boards a woman whose SO went to the gay bath houses and had anonymous affairs with men. When he crashed, he would feel very very remorseful. Also, other women caught spouses watching gay porn and soliciting affairs on Craiglist. One woman's husband even met some man in a hotel. He claimed he didn't go through with it either, but he also had a history of lying. I have read on other places on the internet (not MDJ) another man with BP having tons of very promiscuous sex with many many women. He then got medicated, started a new relationship, but continued his affairs. And, had them with men. I will post it under this. I saved it into my "healing journal" to remind me of the sick nature of this disease. So yes, there seems to be a common thread to all of this. But what comes first? Is it the BP that causes the inhibition releasing those latent cravings? Or was it the latent urges that "triggered" the BP and enhanced them during the hypersexual state?

I don't think we will ever be able to answer these questions. But, the fact is bottom line your husband is not responsible. Not for his own mental health by going off his meds, to his marraige, his family. You don't have to accept a life like this. You don't.

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