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12/30/2011 02:58 PM

safe vs. unsafe

Posts: 13304
Group Leader

I carried this paper in my purse for months.

I found it in a coffee shop .

It changed my world.

It is framed in my office, tattered stains..

Dr.s Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Finding relationships that are healthy and avoiding those that are not.


1. Think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.

2. Are defensive instead of open to feedback.

3. Are self-righteous instead of humble.

4. Only apologize instead of changing their behavior.

5. Avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.

6. Demand trust, instead of earning it.

7. Belive they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.

8. Blame others instead of taking responsibility.

9. Will lie instead of being honest.

10. Are stagnant instead of growing.

11. Avoid closeness instead of connecting.

12. Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (not relationship centered)

13. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.

14. Condemn us instead of forgiving us.

15. Stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.

16. Are unstable over time instead of being consistent.

17. Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.

18. Gossip instead of keeping our confidences.


1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.

2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others) Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others

3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.

4. Working on their own issues

5. Respond to truth

6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)

7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)

8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow individually and in your connection with other people)

Any safe people in your life?

Any unsafe people in your life?


12/30/2011 10:00 PM
Posts: 11200
VIP Member

This is a great cheat sheet, Living. Thanks for sharing!

12/31/2011 06:44 AM
Posts: 1866
Senior Member

it ex was clearly unsafe since he met every one of them except #11 and #13!

I often wonder if I would have made clearer choices had I read a list like this years ago, or had I found this group first...

?? who knows.. since I tend to think I can save people! NOT!!!! at least I learned that much!

04/11/2012 11:28 AM
Posts: 13304
Group Leader

back by request....bumping.

04/12/2012 09:55 PM
Posts: 18
New Member

I am gonna keep this list handy as a reminder to myself why the marriage wasn't working and why I must do what I must do.

And to remember this when the times does come I find someone new. My mother told me no more fixer uppers. I have to agree.


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