Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hello everyone,

I've been searching the internet a lot lately to find support for people in relationships with someone with bipolar disorder. My now ex girlfriend has bipolar disorder and we have been together on and off for 3 years. A lot of off time because of her mood changes. This time around we have been together since June. I can very clearly see how her personality will completely change and she will then treat me like crap and dump me. I can't have a rational conversation with her when she changes and everything becomes my fault. She tells me I'm not stable and I'm over reacting. It is very difficult to deal with, especially since I can see that I am the one being stable.

She recently got angry with me over something very tiny and wanted to break up. I was very hurt since we had been talking about spending our lives together just the week before. Earlier that day she said I was the type of person she could grow old with. I cried in front of her which made her even angrier and convinced her I wasn't stable. It does no good to try and tell her otherwise. I think it is understandable that someone would cry when a person behaves this way.

Before this mess happened I had told her I would give her some money to help her fix her car because she had wanted to visit me more often. I sent her the money and didn't hear from her because she wanted space. She often wants space. She didn't thank me for the money and got angry when I tried to get any answers from her about anything. I realize now that I can't reason with her when she is like this. I apparently was just pushing her away more. When we finally spoke she told me she thought we had broken up already. If that was the case I don't know why she took the money. I am poor and it was a big deal for me to give her money. She has a full time job and I am a college student. After we spoke I was left feeling used and so hurt. My attempts to try and talk to the "loving" side of her only failed. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. Finally I sent her an email that was not hurtful but stated my confusion and was very rational. It was the final straw for her. She blocked my phone number, facebook and email and wants nothing to do with me again. I don't know if I will ever hear from her again and it is devastating. I know she is manic right now and people keep telling me I will hear from her again, like it as been for 3 years now. Part of me really wants that because I feel I am owed an apology and because I meant it when I said I wanted to spend my life with her. I don't know what to believe anymore. She was so in love and then it changed in a heartbeat. I know I have to let go because I may never hear from her again. It feels humiliating to me to have been blocked like this. When she has an episode she treats me like I am unstable and she is completely "together." I love her but I can't be in a relationship where she dumps me all the time. I believe in people changing and getting healthy. I don't know what to do. I feel a lot of guilt for not giving her more space and I wonder if I pushed her away for good. She is on my mind all the time. There are so many questions. Why was she okay with taking the money and treating me this way? I wonder sometimes what is the bipolar and what isn't. Does she really want me gone? When I think it through I do believe that when she snaps out of it she will feel really bad about what she did. But what if she doesn't? My head and heart are a mess. Sorry for the lengthy post.

Hi V, Welcome to the group. I'm sorry for your confusion and pain. It is a very confusing thing. Trying to understand the irrational. You just can't do it. I've been on these boards for 6 months and I am finally coming to terms with that. If your g/f is not on meds and committed to stability, expect a rollarcoaster of a relationship. All relationships take work, even more so with someone who has a mental illness. Please don't listen to her projections and blame. That's what they do. They are led by such irrational emotions that change in a moments notice, hence, the frequent break-ups. It's not fair to you. Read up on the disorder. You sound young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take time away Figure out what you want. You have nothing invested (marraige, kids, etc) in this relationship. Read the posts. Get some persepctive of this relationship. Find someone who treats you with the respect and love you deserve. Big hugs to you!

http://www.lifeloveandbipolar.com/

Sorry for your pain. I know what it's like to feel so low. She is really mean. You wouldn't treat someone that way, so you should accept this behavior as " going too far" . Stonewalling is abusive and mean. It's all about control with mean people. She is out there fighting with others no doubt. Don't wait for her. It's better for your life to stop this cycle. It could get worse. Much worse. Don't ever let anyone be so rude and insensitive to you. You are a human being with real feelings.

Thank you for your replies. She is medicated but I'm thinking that it's not working as well as it should. Most people assume I am younger than I am because I'm in college. I have had my own fair share of mental health problems but I have been in therapy and on medication for a long time. I have completely turned my life around and am now finishing school. I met my ex when I wasn't as stable and she still treats me like that when she has an episode. I do feel invested in this relationship for some reason. My heart is invested and its difficult to cut that off. She also has a daughter that I love dearly as well. I will do my best to take care of myself and let go regardless if she comes back or not. It would just feel a lot better if she did come back. Not because I want to get back with her, I think that is a bad idea right now. Its because I hate having her completely out of my life.

V, I think it's great that you are back in school making plans for our future. Congrats! I'm sorry that I assumed that about your age. I know the feeling of not having someone in your life with whom you were so close. Nothing is wrong with maintaining contact and not having a relationship if you feel you can handle it. In my case, there was so much betrayal and hurt the communication was not an option. Good luck to you!

V, Welcome to the group! Good for you for going to school and doing something good for you and your future and not putting your life on hold. You feel invested because you have been with her on and off for 3 years, that is a good amount of time. Sounds like she might be in a manic phase and when it wears off is when she might come home. I would not sit around and wait for her and put your life on hold like you are doing. You are putting up a shield and you won't be able to meet anyone else. there might be that someone who is better for you out there and who will treat you a lot better. For some reason we all flock to the people that treat us like shit, don't know why. You are better then that, do what is best for you right now. Get out with friends, go out , have fun and be open to meeting new people.

Hi V, has your girlfriend talked to her pdoc about changing the meds that she is on? It does sounds like they are not as effective as they could be. Right now she is being ruled by her day to day emotional state. It is up to you if you want to wait the cycle out or try to work on some type of closure for the relationship. Please make sure to focus on yourself for a bit and think about what you really want.

Good luck.

Hang in there V. Try the NC, and get on with healing.

vigilante: you dodged the bullet that I didn't... your words are completely typical of this disease. I mean practically verbatim in echoing so many other stories on here. practically verbatim echoing my own situation. You are very aware that she is manic and you are right on. Sounds like she is dysphoric. That's where that off the charts irritability comes from. The lack of empathy and compassion. The carelessness. The works man, the works. And the difficulty to deal with and projection will spin your head like a top. It is so frustrating how someone can turn into such a heartless mean ass person and then accuse you of being that way yourself. It's nothing short of bizarre.

You are very aware of her symptoms, you are very aware of what you need to do. Kudos for that. Sometimes they will cause so much damage when they are manic that when they do snap out of it and realize what they've done, the process of rebuilding that relationship or apologizing and showing remorse is too much for them. Even if they actually do feel that way. Stress is the biggest trigger and that would be stressful on anyone. This is a pattern for her. It's the roller-coaster. It's the life my man...It'll have you walking on eggshells waiting for it to happen again. That's uncomfortable and unsettling and no way to live. You might as well be living in a warzone, waiting for the bomb to finally hit your house. I'll tell you what my father-in-law told me about my wife which is this: go find a nice girl who is not bipolar. That was in reference to his own daughter. Their illness effects everyone around them. My wife I believe just sold her wedding rings on f'n craigslist. We are still married. The other day she said I was harrassing her cuz I was simply emailing with her about our pending divorce. I hadn't talked to her in 2 and a half weeks trying to give her that "space" that you mentioned being so familiar with. They don't get better until they get better. and they get worse with age. It's so sad man. There is nothing happy about this disease. There is no cure. There is no togetherness. no bonding. no fighting thru it together. The more you try to help her, the worse she will get. This disease is pure evil. It takes nice people and turns them into someone that you'd never want to spend a second around on purpose.

I know it is very difficult for you. But you seem to be pointed in the right direction. Having awareness in your situation is crucial. Embrace the relief that you feel. It's okay to be disappointed. It is so hard for us on this side of things because we know that the person causing all the damage wouldn't be doing this if they were stable. It is so hard to blame them, but they blame you. It's so hard to stand by them when they treat you like shit. We would sacrifice anything for our SO's to get better, but they mash us up in the process... my wife knew she was unstable, all of a sudden she thinks she's fine. Funny thing is that she's gotten worse...The control thing is unreal. The venom is just unnecessary. It's hard to punish them for their disease. The only one who gets punished when they are manic is us. We suffer constantly while they suffer and don't even know it. My wife doesn't give a shit about me right now. Doesn't give a shit that we are about to get divorced cuz she's left me no choice. Your girlfriend is the same way. What goes up, must come down. But it'll go up again, and then go down again, and don't forget about the likelihood of depression. It's a disease that takes ALL prisoners. It's the big one. embrace the relief my friend. Don't bother to be angry, there is just nothing that you can do. hang in there, you will be okay. she is doing you a FAVOR by ignoring you. do yourself a favor and allow it. Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT take the things that she says or does personally. Her getting madder while you showed RAW emotion is all the evidence that you need to the power of this disease and how far they can take it while under the spell. There are no limits. you are playing with fire. Don't get burned

All True. I know its hard to hear when your heart is longing for this person. But really you have a child to think about and you have to create a stable environment for your child. If he/she grows up experiencing the hostility and confusion of their home life it will carry over in to everything. IT can really mess kids up. They deserve a fair chance. And kids absorb more information the younger they are !! All true. Google it. What they experience when they are infants and toddlers is going to shape his/her abilities to cope , to trust, to develope normal skills. You gotta get away from her and get half custody if she is nuts.