Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Trying to understand my husband’s Bipolar I start asking myself many questions. I know everyone is different and it affects them in different ways but the more I think about it the more I think that he is more asymptomatic than most. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that he has been correctly diagnosed I am not questioning that. He has never had a manic episode which from my understanding this is why he was diagnosed with Bipolar II. He never really has the manic side at all. Yes, some days are better than others but he doesn’t use fast speech pattern, act restlessly, use impaired judgment, and have grandiose beliefs or lack of concentration. I don’t think he has racing thoughts, he has never mentioned it. He is very intelligent and inquisitive. He learns quickly and was always known to be intellectual. In school he did well until he was old enough to rebel and then drugs got involved. The way I understand it is his hypomania manifests itself in irritable moods, anger and short temperament which is very similar to his mood when he is depressed. For a long time, I just accepted this as his personality. I have always known him to be pessimistic (he refers to it as being a realist) He has always been anti authority. He has always had a short temper. He has always had “bad moods”. After his recent diagnosis I am questioning which of these thing are his personality and which are the illness and how do I know when he is just being himself or the illness has taken over? He has managed to go most of his life without medication and until recently we never had what I would consider an episode.

I am trying so hard to be supportive and understanding but I do sometimes get caught up in the moment and give into my frustrations. He accuses me of not being supportive and that makes me defensive. I hate to sound so selfish but sometimes I need help with life and I feel like I have to tiptoe around him or just deal with it because bringing it up to him would turn out to be worse.

For example, Last night I get off work and call home to see how things are going and if he needed anything. I have had such a busy week the grocery shopping had not gotten done and I needed to pick up dinner on the way home. He was still working on homework with my son which I give him credit for because he does this task every day and it can get very demanding. He tells me there were a few rough moments but they were back on track. I get a text 10 minutes later saying that he needed me to come straight home and he would go get dinner. I knew something had gone wrong. As I walk into the house I hear my son slamming doors and screaming. I could immediately tell that my husband had already had enough. I go to my son and my husband leaves to get dinner. I finally calm my son down enough to attempt to finish homework and then my 5 month old was ready to eat. I feed her while consoling him. We don’t get much written homework done but we discuss the sentences that he is going to write. My husband comes in with dinner and we all sit down as a family and eat. We then finish his sentences and he gets into the bath. I bathe my daughter while my husband supervises my son in the tub. I lay the baby down and leave my son in bed with my husband because it was too late to fight to get him in his own bed. They all go to sleep. I return to the kitchen and clean the dinner table, finish the dishes, wash sterilize and prepare bottles, make school lunches for the next day and do two loads of laundry so that everyone has school and work clothes the next day. At 11:30 pm I am exhausted. I move my son into his bed and fall down not even showering because I had no energy left. Luckily my daughter sleeps through the night so I hear the alarm at 5am and start a whole day over again. In the past, when I have mentioned that I need help it turned into a heated conversation of who does the most. Don’t get me wrong there are nights that I get some help but most go like this. I can’t help but feel like I have to just manage it somehow on my own and wait for him to get adjusted to his medication or stabilize or whatever you want to call it.

This morning I asked him how he was feeling and if he thought his medication was working. He said “I don’t know you tell me” He then made the comment that he though he handled our son well the night before. That several times he stopped himself from losing his temper. I admit what happened last night was better than before when it would just turn into a screaming match between the two of them. I told him that I thought his medication needed to be adjusted and he should mention it to his doctor at his next appointment. He accepted that. His appointment is Tuesday.

It's so hard to be patient and wait for medicines to work, especially since it usually takes some trial and error to find the right meds and the right dosages. Just try to remember that it's hard on him, too. We want our meds to make us all better right away and it usually doesn't happen that way. Sometimes the side effects are really bad, too, which can be very discouraging.

Bipolar disorder gets worse over time if untreated. That's probably why he needs meds now when he didn't before.

It's wonderful that he is taking his meds. That truly is the first step to stability and it sounds like there has been some improvement since he didn't lose his temper with your son when he would have before.

We really do need our nearest and dearest to tell us how our meds are working. It's very hard to see yourself and your behavior objectively. My pdoc asked my husband to come in and tell him how things were going from his perspective and it was very helpful. I hadn't noticed how forgetful the medicine I was on was making me and thought I was doing fine on it. We tried a new medicine and it's been great - no noticeable side effects at all.

I'm telling you this so you will know how important your observations are and how important it is that you be actively involved with your husband's treatment.

I hope your husband finds the right meds for him and the right dosage soon, for both your sakes.

Big hugs.

Catbaloo, can I ask you a question, I would love to get your opinion on this one. My bp goes to doctors takes his medicine etc. However I dont think he is on the right combo/dosage as every three days he becomes super emotional. So when he goes to the doctor he says both docs say everything is my fault. Now I have gone to his drs a couple times and barely said anything other than support. Could u picture a dr blaming a whole disease on one person? I don't know something is off on this one, why wouldnt they say break up with her then?

I just feel like its always a blame game and I cant take it, I am the only person who talks to him and supports him. He does not talk to anyone else-no friends no family. Every emotion he has is almost centered around me. If I say did you bring lunch, he will say everythings my fault and blow up. Its just out of hand. I ask if Drs talk to him about his family or past and nothing. I dont know whats your opinion if you dont mind?

Having been to several therapists and a psychiatrist myself, I cannot imagine any doctor blaming everything on someone else. That may be what he hears, but I can almost guarantee that's not what they are saying.

Does he see a psychiatrist? That really was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got absolutely nowhere until I finally went to a pdoc. If he doesn't see one, I really recommend that he does. Pdocs are experts on brain diseases and the medicines that treat them. Regular doctors just don't have the expertise to treat us as well.

Go with him to the pdoc or to whoever is prescribing his meds and tell them what is going on. My pdoc asked for my husband to come in and tell him his perspective. They need someone close to us to tell them what's going on. No one can see themselves objectively, so the opinion of someone who knows us well is very important. The doctor can't know that the meds aren't working properly if all he hears is that things are fine.

I can't imagine what you are going through. Just know that his bipolar disorder is not your fault. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself and in my humble opinion, that starts with seeing a pdoc.

PM me if you want to talk about it.

Thanks, yeah he has gone to a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis. And I agree I cant imangine them saying that, its just nice to hear someone that understands that maybe that is what he hears. I know he does that with me all the time. The words out of my mouth are different than what he hears. I just question why they never ask him about his youth (p.s. he doesnt remember any of it) or anything before me in his life. I knew him at work for 12 years and he was always depressed. I just always wonder becuase the things he says about himself are the same things his father said to me once about him. Its sad really.