Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hi there,

I guess i should have googled about two years ago! Here's my story.

I'm nearly 40, male, from london.

Just over two years ago, i quite happy being single - had varied interests and was fairly social. I'd joined FaceBook and was generally amusing myself. On FaceBook, i was "recommended" a friend. And we instantly got on. Exceptionally well.

She was a...well...i guess that doesn't matter. She lived far away though, and at the beginning i was more than happy to spend a fair bit of my time with her, just chatting away on facebook and yahoo. Things kinda progressed for both of us. Yet she had some unusual behaviour, which i'd always attributed to being "none of my business" to be honest.

I'd known her a month or so afterall. But we suddenly spent a huge amount of time together. Back then, i was helping take care of my sick mother who had cancer. So this friendship was almost ideal in some ways. No pressure to meet up, no calls, just the occassional text and a few emails and messages on FB and chatting on Yahoo.

We became close, and closer still. More times spent together and then weirdly apart with absolutely no contact from her whatsoever. I had started to think she was married or messing me about. But again, because of my family stuff, i easily accepted it.

We slowly started to fall for one another. And after about 4 months the L-word was first used. And then we spoke for the first time too.

This seems very strange now i'm typping it all out!

Things were lovely on that first 3 hour chat. I was told i could ring any time. So i tried, 9 times in a fortnight. No answer, just a couple of reasons/excuses. Eventually i kinda gave up on ringing, and she never rang me. But texts, emails and yahoo were my world for a few more months. I would send her little gifts, nothing in return.

I was slowly told certain things, about trust issues and being in a "bad place". But nothing was expressly talked about. We spoke once more and we both were happy within the context of this electronic life i guess.

Things got worse for me family wise, and my mum died of cancer. And then a few weeks after that, this lady tells me she has bipolar to deal with. Again, though i fully accepted this, and didnt for one minute consider leaving, it had been a year by then. And we'd spoken around 4 times. I had written several letters, received one in return.

Just spending time via yahoo. She had given up FB at the beginning of that year.

It made a lot of sense. However, i think i had hidden away certain resentmet and regret. That though i appreciated how hard it must be to have this to deal with, i didnt quite know what to do to help as she didnt want to tell me what type it was. There was a lot of "i need to be alone, it helps". Which was fine. Until i did this, only to be told "yeah...i dont like it when you are away from me."

so we developed a couple of safe words for when she felt really down. And when she needed no contact. We spoke a little more. We had a couple of really bad rows - where i blurted out something. She was busy telling me what i should and shouldnt be doing with regards to our relationship. And i was trying to explain that i needed more info and less guesswork.

I blurted out that i never knew why she never rang me during my mum being sick. and why did she never want to cheer me up or check on me during those stressful times. Afterall, she wanted to KNOW when things were tough for me. But never wanted to do anything about it except send me a text.

I felt bad afterwards, yet at the same time i felt i had to be honest. And i wanted an answer. "i'm giving what i can". was it. Again, i tried to understand all this. BAcktracking in my mind, joining up the dots.

My mind still had questions - like, "ok, i get its hard to ring when you are on a down phase...but what about the other times? didnt it ever occur to you that i would appreciate just a quick 2 minute call?"

anyway...

We got over the argument. I would always support her over these two years. I knew money was tight for her. I used to send shopping. Treats, gifts. Even medicines when she was sick with bad colds or whatever. Flowers - you get the idea.

Then later this year, it had gotten to the point where we'd not spoken on the phone for over 2 months. Every time i'd asked - "i'm not ready". She would tell me she loved me, that she was thinking of me. Yet, slowly i felt like i was dying. I was giving everything i had. And i understood she was too. Yet slowly realising that without communcation nothing can really survive or grow.

An average month would be - us texting a couple of dozen times a day for a few days. Then about half a dozen. Then silence for a day or two. Then maybe a week of a single or no texts. Then a mix and match of 3-12 texts a day. mixed in with around one call a month.

Then one of her cats dies, and a couple of other things. I am totally there trying to support her. To listen if she needed. I offered to be "on call" or text any time of day or night. Anything she needed, i would try and do for her.

Nothing. Thats when we stopped communicating really. Slowly but surely it ground to a halt. I was unsure of what to do. I even asked her. Nothing. We hadn't met in two years. Though apparently she'd bought tickets to come and visit - yet hadnt discussed that with me.

Her dad had even bought her tickets to visit when my mum died, nothing. Over the two years - her place is full of "me". Photos, keepsakes, books, films, fun stuff, letters. I look around and i have a few photos and one letter. And a card she sent when my mum died.

On the upside, she has changed therapy since our split. And its strange how right now, i would be in heaven just to get a text from her. Which at times, would just upset me with me thinking "is that it?".

This may well read as very demanding of me. And it truly isnt. All i have ever wanted, begged even, was to be let in, and to be able to understand what its like for her. I think if you say the word "love" it should be treated with respect.

I dont trust myself with being able to resist contacting her (though we have emailed a couple of times) - so i deleted all her numbers.

we get on so well outside of all this...same tastes in most things. Same sense of humour and interests. But now its just really empty. And i worry for her.

Hi Fog, Welcome to the group. You mentioned she was in therapy. Is she medicated? If not, please expect alot more of the same behavior. It is a rough road when the person is not committed to stability. BP or not, the woman sounds incredible selfish. You mother dies, her father gave her a ticket to see you & she couldn't support you? That is terrible. I predict in the future it would be more of the same. She obviously doesn't have the tools or the capabilty for anything more than a physical relationship. If you are able to continue without your feeling getting in the way, do it= but protect yourself with condoms. I'm sorry you are going through this, you sound like you have alot on your plate.

One of the actual symptoms of BP is a sense of self-centeredness. In her mind, everything is about her, and won't give much consideration to you, or anyone else for that matter, until she is stable.

I would imagine that you feel like you have been strung along, back and forth. And I am very sorry for what you are going through.

Oh, by the way....Welcome to this group.

cheers folks..

one of the many mysteries for me is, well...i dont even know what type of bipolar she has! i've researched all i can so i can support her..but, i dont want to do (this'll sound odd) bipolar an injustice as it were...

I didn't know that about the selfish behaviour for example. Thank you.

She's not on any kind of medication. Which i kinda agree with, kinda don't. I know about the side effects, but the again, i also know something about the benefits (from what i've read).

In her defence, she has never asked to be sent anything, ever. But, its just regular boyfriend/girlfriend kinda behaviour as far as i'm concerned. And if someone is different - well, if you want to understand someone, then you listen and learn.

i've also stopped and thought about myself - as in, what is it about me that let me go through two years of this with someone i've never physically met. So part of me feels a bit stupid, another feels like i should be proud of how i've handled everything over the past couple of years.

thanks again...felt good to offload.

Dear Foghorn,

She sounds like my husband. He wants everyone to drop everything when he is sick (or pretending to be sick) but when I'm sick, he doesn't lift a finger to help me -- won't fix me something to eat or drink, won't help me change the linens, nothing -- even when I've been recovering from surgery. Then gets snippy because I don't pay any attention to him! Knowing what I know now, I would tell you that I'm sorry you've had these experiences, and I'm so sorry you lost your mum, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your future is to let her go. There is someone in this world for you that will love you and share her life with you -- but this woman is not her. And you won't find the person for you as long as you are involved with this one. Be careful, they are very good at manipulating our emotions. And don't feel stupid -- we aren't stupid -- we just are very caring people and we've been taken advantage of by very conniving people. Good luck to you!

Hi foghorn and welcome to the group. You sounds like a sincere, kind and considerate person. Unfortunately if you are dating an unmedicated BP you will not get the same type of behavior in return. It is like trying to stop a leak in a bucket by pouring more water in. The more emotions and energy you put in, the faster it gets used up and more is expected in return.

My ex is currently doing a lot of the electronic dating. We have recently split and have two small kids, so I have kindly requested that he not introduce any of these women to our kids for a bit. His response was to tell me flat out that none of them mean anything to him at all, so he does not plan to let them into his life at all. These women are merely toys for him to play with and use for their emotional support.

Don't be too hard on yourself. BP's can be very charismatic at times, it goes with the cycles. It like being drawn to a bug zapper only to get it when you get too close.

i can relate to the water and bucket metaphor certainly. Her fear has always been if she takes meds, will they "kill" part of her, her creativity and so on, will she become a zombie. Part of me has always been on her side with that - i do agree that the meds are often handed over too quickly. HOwever, i'm an asthmatic, my lungs dont work as well as they should - so why not just take the stuff that helps me over those times when they dont work properly. And as with all meds they can vary the dosage.

She's moved from psychoanalysis to CBT this week. I hope/wonder that they'll give her the tools she needs to develop what she needs to cope with the bipolar. Its weird, when i was in the relationship - i found ways to make sense of how we worked. Now that i'm out of it - i can't imagine HOW we went on like that for two years.

i remember just before we split, i said to her "do you think its worthwhile me talking to someone about this...", to be told in return - "i don't want you to discuss me and what i've got with anyone else..."

so i couldnt discuss it with her, yet she didnt want me to discuss it with ANYONE! the amount of rules and controls in place meant (i guess) i had to make things make sense in my mind...that just a text in a week was ok...that her not lifting up the phone was alright...

but its not is it...i wonder what is inside of me that made me accept it...i think i even cherry-picked via the internet, reading only the success stories of relationships...

thank you all for listening x

Time, great insight. I'm sure mine is doing the same thing. Sickening.

Foghorn, I personally think that anyone who is or has been involved with a BPSO is a compassionate, empathetic and caring individual. If we were not, we never would have made it in a relationship that takes this much work. These are not bad qualities to have, the key is to learn the red flags to watch for in future relationships and protect yourself at the same time. It is very easy to get lost in the FOG of fear, guilt and obligation and lose track of who you are and what you want.

I know I am still trying to figure out what I want and I am 5 months out of the marriage. I know that I enabled my ex's behavior, but I don't want to turn into some bitter, cynic instead.

Take this time to really get to know you and don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime. I do think there is something to be learned from every experience you have in life even if the outcome is not quite what you expected.

HUGS to you!

Sosad, forgot to add this. I am waiting to read a post at some point from one of the women that has fallen for my ex and he has lead on. I am sure it will happen at some point. It is very sad and disturbing.

Post edited by: timeforme, at: 11/16/2011 01:40 PM

imagine how much simpler life would be if we could each write a life c.v. and just swop 'em...ha... i think the problem for me is, it was a year til she told me about the bipolar, but then, it was too late, in love with the person i kinda constructed in my head...

fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me...

you've all given me a great deal of insight in a short space of time, more than i've managed on my own for the past 2-3 months...

i dont feel bitter or even sad in the usual sense, as it wasnt a usual relationship...i think we should all remember that we are not responsible for other peoples actions - we should be our own priority in the best of ways... to be healthy mentally and physically as best we can...even if we have to make hard decisions...

ultimately, if we stick to the truth, no greater harm can come , than the ultimate peace we will find within that truth...