I will try to keep this short. My husband and I have been together 14 years and married for 11. We have 2 children. In March (8 months ago) he started acting differently, not interested in usual things and stuff like that. Out of the blue he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. After about a week he changed his mind and said that he did and he wanted to stay with me forever. A few weeks later he began to drink alcohol which he had never done. He started going out and drinking with friends about once a month. Sometimes I went with him. Every time he went out he got drunk. Then every month turned into every other week. Then, he bought alcohol to keep at home and started getting drunk at home sometimes. Then he started going out every week and didn't want me to go anymore. Fast forward to August. After several days of him moping around and not seeming like himself I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't love me anymore. He said he couldn't look to the future and see us together anymore. He blamed me for being controlling towards him. Basically said everything was my fault. Also said if we stayed together he knew he would end up cheating on me. Where we are now: We have been physically separeted for almost a month. We slept in separate bedrooms for about a month prior to that. I found out a month ago that he has an 18 year old girlfriend. (20 years younger than me.) He is a high school teacher and this girl was his student up until she graduated 5 months ago. She currently attends college about 1 1/2 away. He has told me that she has seen a lot of psychiatrists over the years but hasn't told me why. I know that she drinks and also does drugs. Just a bad idea all the way around. Anyway, to get to the mental health part. My husband had a suicide attempt in high school. He has always had mood swings. Now in hindsight he seems to be manic most of the time. But, during the worst part of our breakup he became extrmemly depressed and admitted that killing himself would be best for everyone. I convinced him to see a psychiatrist about it. Fast forward some more: his first visit with the psych was a little over a month ago. He is seeing a therapist now that thinks he has bipolar traits. He has asked him to keep some journals for the next couple of weeks. He wants to see if he can kind of control things without medication. Throughout all of this he has maintained that he does not love me and there is no chance of us working things out. I think he thinks he "loves" her. But, I think he just likes the way she makes him feel and I think she feeds into his manic stages. We have maintained a somewhat friendship throughout all of this. Just a few days ago we were discussing this and he admitted how much he likes the "highs". He says he feels invincible; like he is way above everyone else and he can do anything and everything. He sleeps about 3-4 hours a night because he can't stop his mind. And, I know from cell phone records that some of that middle of the night time is spent on the phone with her. Then, every once in a while he will become depressed. That is when he will drink. He says he drinks until he passes out just so he won't feel anymore. Also a week or two ago he stole some percocet I had from a surgery and took it and drank alcohol because he felt depressed. He says he doesn't understand why he gets depressed because nothing happened to cause it. It just comes out of the blue. His manic phases last way longer than the depression. He told me a couple of days ago that he thinks he tries to keep himself in his manic phases if he can because he feels better that way. Thank you for anyone who has made it this far with me. There is just a little bit more. Is it a possibility that the reason he thinks he doesn't love me anymore is due to bipolar? What is the best way to handle being around him? I still love him. I no longer pressure him to get back together with me. I just listen to what he has to say and try to offer advice as best I can. I am a nurse and have dealt with this disease a little in the past with patients. He sees out son two days a week and every other weekend. I have noticed that his moods are more stable and he seems to be in a better state of mind when he is able to spend time with our son. (Our oldest is in college, youngest is 9). I have noticed that his moods change the most on his weekends when he doesn't see our son and he is with her. Should I let him spend more time with our son (with my supervision, of course)? Is it possible that might help. He said it helps him to stay busy. And that when he doesn't have our son he has to find something else to do. That something else tends to be unhealthy behavior. For example, she and he took ecstacy together a while ago. Or, he'll just get in his car and drive. If he would leave her I would let him come sleep in our guest room again at least but if he's seeing her I can't have him living in my house. Sorry this is so long. ANY advice that anyone can give is greatly appreciated. I don't know how beneficial therapy is for him. I don't know if he's being honest with his therapist. Plus, he has not made a return appointment since his last visit. I really do want to make our marriage work no matter what. I do love him and I do not believe in divorce. |
