Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

After close to 9 days of having no electricity, it was just restored by the wonderful workers! I hear many will not have it back until Wednesday... I feel for them... I currently have my electric heating pad on my bed turned on and it feels wonderful. Tomorrow when there is hot water, I will have the most epic shower of all time!

Anyway, I have been in contact with my ex during this hellish time. He called last Sunday, was all over the place... started off with "I sort of want to work it out" and ended with stating he will never stop running away and that he would never marry anyone like me. Pissed off (and rightly so) I hung up mid rant. The next day around 12:30am he called again telling me he cannot let me go and he cannot be with me. I really don't remember much of that convo.

He called again Tuesday morning and was kind of a bitch to me. I stated that I was willing to work things out, but he needs to decide that he wants it too. That I would not convince him. He stated I need to live down there with him and blah blah blah. I just said I'd think about it and he had to go charge his phone. I knew I still could not reason with him so I didn't bother. He also asked me what I thought of him joining the military. I said it doesn't matter what I say. He said he doesn't really know why, but my opinion matters. I said I wish he wouldn't do it.

He called later on to ask me about why I don't want children. I said that was a random question. He responded that his friends live together for over 10 years, not married and I guess recently had lost a child. It made him think about how mean he was during that one time he drove me to get a pregnancy test. I had nothing to say other than yes, you were a huge asshole that day. We talked about the idea of me going down there with him if he got his own place and got a job. I didn't say yes or no, just said I'd think about it.

I think he called about 6 times Tuesday. I cannot remember a lot of what happened to be honest... being without power for so long I kind of lost track of days I'm afraid! Plus, the inhalation of smoke and fumes from the fireplace and kerosene heater almost did me in too...

One of the more recent conversations he actually said, "Hey... I wasn't myself that day I left... was I? You were waiting for me to snap out of it...weren't you?" I said, yes... You know I couldn't say anything to change your mind...you weren't you... He also went on to say that he doesn't want to lose me... that he does want to be with me... but he needs time right now. He has to be angry. He has a lot of anger inside of him and he just needs to blame the world. I told him that's not going to solve anything and he snapped saying it's not my place to say that and ranted and vented at me. Lashed out. I let him for a while and when I was about to hang up, he got quiet... and said... Please, let me have peace right now. Let me be alone. I am blaming the state, your house, you, the tree outside, the rock in my shoe... I am blaming and lashing out at everything and everyone right now and I don't want to hurt you. If you came down here now, I'd just hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I'm so lost right now. I have no direction in life. I have many options. I just need to figure it out first. He's like if I want it to work, I can make us work. I know if I want us to work out, we can. If it is fate, if it's God's will... we will be reunited. However, right now I'm just too angry at what has happened. I know most of my anger is misdirected and irrational, but right now I just cannot help it. I cannot say we are in a relationship right now because I don't want to destroy you. Until I can get over this, I am in no position...

We talked for a while and eventually he asked what I think he should do. I counteracted with, "what do YOU think you need to do?" He said, "I need to find therapy. I don't know why I keep putting it off." I told him he needs to focus on HIS problems, not what he thought I did wrong. He agreed. I told him I could stop talking to him if he needs to be left alone. He asked me not to.

While it may not seem big to many, or even sincere... it really is big for him to say that to me. He never admitted it was him. He never admitted he needed therapy without me prompting him. He said it all on his own. I am proud of him for admitting it. I now want to see him do something about it all.

Tonight he said he is leaning towards the military. He said he wants to be with me and marry me, but right now he's keeping his options open because nothing in life is certain. He said he understands he may not even get in because of his anger issues and his medical history. He's not sure if he's going to end up trying, he has a few weeks still to wait for his passport before he can even apply... but for now we should just keep talking the way we are. I was at my wits end when he told me this. I know fully well that he cannot be accepted and if he was, he couldn't make it far... but I don't know, I got upset. I'm note even sure why. Perhaps a combination of him, of having no power, of sitting in a cold dark car, of just feeling tired. I told him I had to go and hung up. I cried and eventually calmed down. A few minutes later, he called me. He said he was not going to leave me alone in the dark when I'm upset (he knew I was in the car charging my phone and no one was around) so he just talked to me, he told me that he told his dad he wants to marry me, and if he (his dad) would be willing to sign the papers if we chose to marry. His dad said he'd think about it. He then tried to joke with me, we talked about light topics, like what did I have for dinner, old jokes we had together... After an hour he demanded I go inside and warm up. To call him when I am snuggled in bed.

It's hard to keep someone at a distance when while you aren't together, you speak to each other as if you are. I also know a lot of you are thinking, "rainflower, why aren't you putting your demands of HIM out there?" It's simple, as of now, we are not together... at least officially. We are in that grey area. He also knows I want him to work on his issues and figure out what exactly is wrong with him. I made it clear that I will not tolerate being blamed for everything last night when he called lashing out at me and his dad. Saying we ruined his life. I stated that if he is going to be mean, I was going to hang up and he can call when he is in a better mood. That I am sorry he feels that way, but I am not taking responsibility of his actions or his decisions. He first said, "so you only want me when I'm nice" but calmed down and said he would call me back. I guess that's when he ate something, talked to his parents and his mom told him what I told him. That he is an angry person inside that has a lot of anger he needs to let go. He did call back in a better mood and we talked for a while.

It doesn't seem like much, but he is struggling to control himself. I keep him at a distance still, so we will see what the future holds.

There could be some I am leaving out, but right now I am so drained....