Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

My H and I are divorcing after being married for 26 years. Cheating is the main reason for us parting ways. Every time he was caught cheating, he could manipulate his way back in and I always fell for it hook, line and sinker!! I'm sure those who have faced or dealt with cheating spouses have heard most of the same promises. Such as, "I know I haven't been a good husband; let me show you I can be the husband you deserve. I will do ANYTHING you want, please give me another chance. I SWEAR it will NEVER happen again. You're the best wife a man could have, I'm sorry I let you down; let me make it up to you." ETC......

All of the paperwork and most of the other stuff (separting bills and money, signing over vehicles, closing bank acct, etc...) has been completed. For the most part we just need to wait for the divorce effective date to roll around. We have never really separated in the past, much less filed for divorce. H has hinted fairly recently that he would like to work things out and I have told him that I have no idea what the future brings, but I want to go forward with the divorce. (We have talked in the past about people divorcing and remarrying)

Anyway, my point or question is that if H starts in with his manipulation, I feel I can reject him now because I can see things more clearly. And I really don't want to go through anymore affairs and all of the hurtache that comes along with that. I simply do not love him as I did before. I love him as someone I have been with since I was 19 and as my children's father. But I am still concerned that the manipulation will make me teeter at least a little and I might give him some hope for "us" in the future. It is difficult to completely let go...you know??? I know I can never be with him again, but it is so hard to give that final push that puts them out of my life forever. Do you know what I mean? That final Good-bye? I know that we will see each other at our kid's weddings and loved one's funerals, but I am concerned I will try to allow him or that I want to keep the door open, just a little, because I am afraid to let go of some reason to have contact with each other.

We have had a few arguments through the divorce process, but I have to say for the most part it has been peaceful. He has hurt me so badly that I have wished for him to hurt as well. But, I am close to his family and still see and talk to them. But I know it is healthier to eventually break ties for the most part. This way when one of us meets someone else, it won't hurt as much.

Sorry, I'm rambling...Back to my question: How do I resist his manipulation and do what is right and what is best in the long run?

Time. It takes time. It takes distance. It takes resolve. It takes revisiting that sick sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that says "here we go again." Don't wallow in the feeling, just revisit it long enough to strengthen your resolve. But, mostly it just takes time.

I have been divorced from my first husband for many years but am still afraid of him. I remember the "feeling." I know he poses no threat to me but the feeling never completely goes away. He lives a few miles away from where my husband and I live. I have had to see him for family functions. We have kids and grandkids. Weddings, births, deaths.

You said that you still have contact with his family and knew that eventually you should break ties. Remember that your life will take off in a different direction. With time I think you'll see that it kind of takes care of itself. Girl, I know what you're going through it's tough but you're gonna be okay.

I wish I would have had a group like this when I was going through my divorce. The internet was not readily available back then. Boy did I just age myself or what!

tracy, the question you are asking is what I am going thru right now. I gave him hope, (not meaning too) but by being too nice and by responding to his (pushiness) on it, kind of a learned response from being with him..I'm not afraid of a final goodbye anymore. Only was afraid of putting him over the edge. But in my fear for him, I gave him hope. I so know what you mean by the manipulative comments they do. He asked me on the phone last night, what will you do if someday I am happy and in love with another women? I told him I would rejoice and praise God. That all I want is for him to be happy. This is NOT what he wanted to hear apparantly. But I don't care right now. I told him I am not talking about this anymore, I have been clear and goodbye. (lot more stupid stuff said by him in the process of course) You will have to watch that, and really limit most contact I would say. What Sierra said is the same with me. I still feel a fear when he calls, when I see him, etc..and I was never even hit! I don't think this is an issue with you as far as the fear from what you have said. Another thing she said, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that says "here we go again". I get that right now..I don't like it.

Resist by limited contact..I say limited because I know you have kids..but they are grown, so really you shouldn't need to talk with him.

hugs! I can't imagine what you are going through! In a a way I can and can't, but I have been there with the manipulation. It is hard to let go and move on BUT YOU ARE DOING IT. I wish you the best through this tough time but I hope you know that things will only get better from here!

Tracymomma, You don't deserve his violins now.

You deserve to be treated with respect and fairness, isn't that the way you treat others?

Your gonna have a better life with a healthy person by your side. Me too! We just have to believe we do not deserve anything less! Then we will be able to recognize and eliminate the weeds the minute they pop up. And trust me girl, theta are a lot of weeds out there. So we gotta retrain our brains, really discipline ourselves to recognize the signs of an abuser.

Our bp 's could get medicated, go to therapy, go to specialized therapy for abuse toward woman, there is so much they could do....but the truth is, they like the way they are. Otherwise thy would change their lifestyle.

Post edited by: Gypsymermaid, at: 11/04/2011 06:00 AM

Post edited by: Gypsymermaid, at: 11/04/2011 06:01 AM

Hi Tracy, hang in there girl and stick to your decision. For me, I remember all of the nasty stuff and lies the ex said to me so I won't fall for his crap ever again. I even printed out one of his love letters to his other woman and can dig it out if I need to reinforce the fact that I need this man out of my life. I also keep thinking that this man is not even someone I would chose to be friends with so why would I go back to being with him.

I agree with Sierra and Taylynn, time and limited contact will help give you the clarity you need. HUGS!!

Limited contact is a must. Wish you could get around having to deal with him tracy. I think it would really serve you well if you could.

Thanks everyone. I am working on that. I will eventually be moving back to our home town and I don't think he can move here because of his job.

I appreciate all of your comments and advice.

Tracy