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10/25/2011 06:25 PM

please help

lovemyboys4
Posts: 36
Member

My husband of 5 yrs was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and highly recurrent depression. He is on wellbutrin, celexa and lamactil. We are in our mid 30s. To everyone on the outside we have a perfect life. I am a stay at home mom, he is a successful business owner, we have 3 wonderful children. However, behind closed doors I am living a nightmare. I am having a hard time separating his mood disorders from his abuse. I have tried to find support groups thru our psychiatrist, our church, nami, referrals and I have come up with nothing. He has horrible mood swings. He is depressed, highly irritible...snaps, yells, cusses at me in front of our kids and at the kids (11, 4, 1-all boys). I just remove them from the home or room when it happens. I have learned to not argue back. We are constantly walking on egg shells, not knowing what we will get. His dr told him to take meds regularly (he really is a little inconsistent and will go a couple days without doing this), to stop drinking alcohol (he still does this at least once a wk and when he drinks he binges) and to get help with a psychotherapist for childhood issues (he hasnt done this).

He is abusive to me verbally. I never know what will set it off. It could be nothing- it could be he is frustrated. He will cuss me out, tell me what a horrible bitch and mom and wife and lay I am. I think he has sexual addiction issues too....he will beg for sex but he orders it like a drive thru- he is a total ass to me then sends a text to me when I am elsewhere in the house saying "come fuck me" or come get your present....I ignore it then he gets pissed and when I fall asleep he will wipe semen on me and say I deserve it bc I havent had sex with him or he has stood over me and ejaculated all over my face and hair while I was asleep, he has spread his butt cheeks and forced me down while sitting on my face saying I was a hooker and deserved it, he has tried to rape me and I fought like hell back, he has pissed in a cup and thrown it in my face..... I can not tell what is his disorder, his drinking, or what. When we go to his home for holidays, he will leave me and the kids with his mom and go out drinking till 6am with his friends acting like he is in college. He has a horrible promiscuous past. At his work function (he is a business owner) he pulled my strapless top down and showed my boobs to his managers and consultant. I cried and left immediately. He got in the car and laughed saying it was no big deal. You can imagine why I dont want to have sex with him. I feel so degraded and unimportant and I dont trust him. I do not know what sort of group to visit but I need help. I need help for me and my kids. I need to learn how to set boundaries and how to deal with him. Can you please help me or direct me?

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10/25/2011 06:42 PM
Gypsymermaid
Gypsymermaid  
Posts: 959
Member

SSRI drugs induce mania, so make sure those drugs aren't SSRI family. Look on medical web site

10/25/2011 06:46 PM
Gypsymermaid
Gypsymermaid  
Posts: 959
Member

Also, call the 1800 number for domestic abuse. We have it in my State, don't know about yours. Go online .

How does he respond when you go and stay with someone else? Has he ever gotten violent?


10/25/2011 07:23 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2472
Group Leader

I know it is scary being a stay at home mom but you are not safe. Start to make a plan. Hide money.put valuables away in storage, your parents etc. You need to protect your kids and yourself. If you need to leave asap the hospital er can work with you and find a safe place. It is scary,but once you are out you will be able to breathe again and then figure out your next step. There are resources out there to help. This is abuse. Be safe and smart.

10/25/2011 07:27 PM
sewnup
sewnup  
Posts: 707
Senior Member

Celexa is and SSRI and made my hubby do some inexcusable things before too. The things your guy is doing to you is abuse. You have to make a decision for your family's safety.

This group is a safe place for you to vent, and ask questions, and read about simialr stories. He definately needs more help, and maybe you would think about seeing a tharapist for yourself. They may help you to understand more and guide your mind in the right direction.

I hate that you are haveing to endure these things. I am crying here. Oh, I wish I could get my hands on men like him!!!!!

Please keep us posted.

Stay Safe.


10/25/2011 07:38 PM
lovemyboys4
Posts: 36
Member

I was a successful business woman and know I could get a job and support my children and myself. I am just in a bad situation. He can be so nice, nurturing, caring but when he blows up, its just no normal nor is it acceptable. I dont want my kids around it, I dont want to be around it. Its selfish. I asked him if he would be mad if someone treated his mom this exact same way. He just says that I try to make myself a victim (as if thats a fun role?!) and that I am a bitch and drive him to it. I am trying to find support groups in town. I have family here. I am doing what I can to protect my children and myself and plan ahead in case he goes overboard. He was physical just once. It was a couple mos ago on what should have been our fabulous 5th anniversary trip to turks and caicos. He stayed out drinking till morning with strangers while I was asleep in the hotel. He came in and thats when he threatened to divorce me, took all my diamonds and hid them and couldnt even remember where he hid them the next day, pissed in a cup and threw it on me, sat on my face naked, verbally abused me and then when I stood up to go shower he grabbed my face and threw me back so hard I fell on the ground. He didnt remember a lot of this. He remembered bits and pieces and apologized and that was the straw that broke the camels back that made me force him to get help and a proper diagnosis. I just resent him now. I dont even want him to touch me. I feel like he cusses at me, degrades me and my kids and then he wants me to have sex?! I am disgusted by him. Can he not change this behavior? I talked with his mom about it (we are close) and she said she knew something was wrong with him years ago bc he is so irritable and depressed and quick tempered. What the hell have I gotten myself and kids into? He is so successful and showers us with gifts yet he is selfish and a binge drinker and abuser at the same time.

10/25/2011 08:42 PM
sososad51
sososad51Posts: 2398
VIP Member

Love, he is abusing you. There is no doubt. It will escalate. His binge drinking will fuel the mania. He is not committed to stability. I would develop an emergency plan and get ready to leave with the kids the next time you are threatened. Take this test to determine the level of threat that you are in right now. Be safe.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Post edited by: sososad51, at: 10/25/2011 08:49 PM


10/26/2011 07:29 AM
TarnishedHalo
TarnishedHalo  
Posts: 458
Senior Member

Love, alcohol does not excuse his treatment of you. Sorry but I cannot sugarcoat my advice to you. This man is unsafe to be around. He has went beyond mental and emotional abuse and gotten physical with you. He has also used sexual abuse. I agree with sosad, it will only escalate. I know this from experience. If given a chance, he will hurt you worse each time unless something changes. It is not sounding like anything is changing, correct? For you and your children, please find a safe place as soon as possible in case he binge drinks again and your threatened. It does not matter how many times he is nice, or how many times he apologizes if he hurts you or possibly your children afterwards. I wish you luck with this and am pulling for you and your children...

10/26/2011 07:46 AM
behindthemask

Hi Love... I have been where you are. I left mine twice and came back because he begged me, he didn't realize I would ever go I think. My kids are teens, so they didn't go with me the second time. I had to get away from the verbal abuse,, I couldn't go home that night.

Maybe getting out of there for a bit may wake him up to the fact you WON'T put up with the abuse... and then set boundaries.. its a lot easier to do that over the phone... that is totally unacceptable to pull your top down in front of others?? How degrading.. that is not something you should have to put up with. I'm not saying file for divorce,, but I think putting some space between you for a bit may help communicate with him how you feel. Its hard to do when you are right there on the eggshells.

My husband has been willing to do his part now, and sees me as an important part of the family now and not a whipping post (verbally) - sometimes they have to "snap out" of that cycle of abuse.

If you do get away do it without his knowledge in case he could get dangerous... that's when abusive men get the angriest.

BIG HUGS - pm me if you need to.... and welcome.


10/26/2011 07:58 AM
maggiesdream
maggiesdream  
Posts: 492
Senior Member

love, you don't deserve this type of abuse. The things he has done to you are unacceptable. It's not okay to be treated this way. The sexual abuse is horid. You have to leave him. And I don't tell anyone that. But please, please leave him. Do you want your boys to treat women like that when they grow up? Because thats exactly what is going to happen , not maybe but definitely, children don't listen to verbal instruction in life, they immitate what they see.

This is beyond setting boundaries. You have to get out of there , now. If he somehow manages to get help and STOP drinking, then someday you might be able to go back. But you can't set boundaries at this point, he is out of control. Start packing, go stay with your family if you can, do it now. Don't threaten to do it. Just do it. Threatening only calms the storm sometimes, you have to take action. My heart hurts for you.

Please let us know what you decide. I am here for you either way, but I fear for your safety and your sanity if you stay.

Peace and Love,

Jennifer

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