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09/28/2011 04:22 AM

How Much Change?

Posts: 100

Good Morning Everyone,

Okay, so I've been talking with a counselor for myself (thank goodness) and with my husband's counselor (once) and his pdoc (once), and reading here and elsewhere and what I'm coming to realize is that regardless of whether his meds work, all the meds are going to do is stabilize his mood. Meds are not going to control his manipulation of me, increase his desire to join the 'real world', socialize appropriately with others, etc. Is my understanding correct in this?

And if this is the case, I've decided that the paranoid, control-freak, master manipulator, lazy, dirty guy is not someone I want to spend the remaining years (God willing) of my life with. I can't take it anymore. But somehow, I can't stop feeling guilty about leaving him..... I'm working on that and I know I'll get there.

I think he knows where I'm going with all of this as he's gotten to a point where he doesn't go to bed until I leave in the morning (around 5 a.m.) Guess he doesn't want me slipping out overnight. He's still watching every move I make. Creepy.

I'm going to talk with an attorney so I can get my ducks in a row before I ask him to leave. I'm thinking I'll be able to put up with him a few more weeks -- maybe a month -- before I get to the asking part. My counselor and I are going to work on honing my skills so that he doesn't suck me in to his word games, pity parties, etc.

Any thoughts?


09/28/2011 06:23 AM
Posts: 13289
Group Leader


good to see you again

thoughts ?

Sounds like a good plan to me, as long as you believe you are safe.

It is good to have choices.

I understand the guilt, wanting to **take care**

and what will he do without me...all that.

Been there

done that

and ya know

these guys function and move on without us.

That has been my experience.

09/28/2011 06:31 AM
Posts: 100

Thank you for getting back to me. Good to see you too Smile

I am SO hoping that he follows that typical 'move on' scenario that you guys have written about in your postings. I know that, for now, he seems to be holding on for dear life, but if he follows the pattern that I'm seeing in this forum, as soon as he's out, he'll just move on to the next sucker. That would be a great relief to me, as I'm sure you know.

Any thoughts on my understanding about his meds? That they may stabilize his mood, but won't change his behaviors?

09/28/2011 06:38 AM
Posts: 13289
Group Leader

Sometimes they will

and sometimes they wont.

09/28/2011 06:39 AM
ellswimPosts: 203

Jea- One of the things that I was attempting to gain from the retreat I attended last weekend...was closure and letting go...without him. How does one gain closure without ever having the necessary process? When the process is not available...what options are there to let go and not feel guilt ridden?

A woman from Spain took me aside and wrote in my journal:

C I'm Sorry

C I forgive you

C I love you

Thank you Thank you Thank you

Every time he pops into my head I repeat this about 5 times. Blanca said to do this for 40 days.

I don't know just thought I'd offer what works for me as far as guilt. Even though HE left me, HE is divorcing me, HE is the issue, I still feel so much guilt for moving on while he is manic. I feel like I am abandoning him while he is sick. We have no other choice. THey are drowning swimmers, and they will take us under.

Love and peace Jea

09/28/2011 06:54 AM
Posts: 100

Wow Ellswim,

You've really got me thinking here.... my counselor told me yesterday to remember:

1. I didn't cause it

2. I didn't break him

3. I can't fix him

4. If he loves me, he must let me go.

Also, he's always calling me 'his rock'. And all I can think about now is that he's the rock around my neck pulling me under. And yet, I too, feel like I am abandoning him when he's so sick. But I know he really doesn't want to get better; I can see it in the way he is behaving. He isn't keeping a journal to track his behavior/actions, he isn't asking questions of me, nothing. What he is doing is trying his best to fly under the radar so I don't ask him to leave..... but sooner or later he'll explode again. And then we'll see.

So, I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you for 40 days.....

Getting anxious, chest is tightening. Time for x....

09/28/2011 07:06 AM
Posts: 22

Post edited by: chickymom, at: 10/09/2011 09:05 AM

09/28/2011 07:49 AM
Posts: 100

Dear Chickymom,

I really don't want to be his babysitter -- he's 55 also. I don't like yelling, demanding, nagging (not that I think you do like it). it's just not the way I want to spend my life. I am so sorry you have so many health related concerns yourself. Since I am the sole wage earner in our home, I do have insurance. And I do remind myself nightly to be grateful for my job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach (even though most of the time I can't eat because I'm so anxious). And thanks very much for the encouragement -- I am trying to take care of myself. I want my happy life back, full of friends and family who love me.

I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

09/28/2011 09:16 AM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Chicky: Have you read the 'Rules'?

Jea: I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your personal story. I tend to pop in and out.... The 'right' meds will stabilize him. The wrong ones will not. But you still have to ask yourself.... Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?

09/28/2011 07:29 PM
Posts: 1866
Senior Member

jea, the tightening in your chest sounds familiar. so does the guilt. I think Chicky gave a very truthful and realistic answer to this. It sounds like you both are having a rough time, this makes me sad. It also sounds all to familiar. My ex bps is 55 too! I just want to say HUGS to you and chicky both and thank you for sharing.

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