Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

What do you do when you are almost positive your husband is bi-polar (indicated by years of depression and mania, copious pot smoking, anger and anxiety and a serious breakdown whereby he threatened others including my colleagues and to kill himself and afterwards says he was just angry at me because I slept with another man after telling him I was going to because I was tired of 7 years of marriage in which he refused to have sex and he said that it was fair that I would go outside the marriage for sex but that we still loved each other and wanted to stay married - three weeks later he says I duped him and went on a rampage that caused me to involve the police and the man - who was out of the picture - had to get a restraining order against my husband.)

But he won't admit it and tells me that I should stop making him the problem. My fear of him going off the handle is real and exacerbated by my own baggage from a previous abusive relationship in my early 20's (in my early 40's now)that I went through extensive therapy to deal with. He says its my issue that I am afraid as he has never hurt anyone, but he doesn't seem to see how serious his threats and actions were that day. I had to call the police and I took my kids to my parents for several weeks. Our situation is complicated by the fact that I had sex outside the marriage so he has a reason to blame me - but I seriously believed that I was saving the marriage since he so clearly and repeatedly did not want to have sex, and several times seemed to not care if I went outside the marriage (I only did it once, but talked about it for years with him and begged him to go to counseling or do something about it.) I know that was wrong of me, so please, I am not looking for judgment. I am just trying to understand how to approach him now that everything is falling apart. He does not want me to be a part of his mental health care (he is in therapy and on meds for depression - Celexa) and keeps telling me that he is not the problem. I don't think HE is the problem, I think his disease and his not caring for it is the problem. I know its his responsibility, but I am feeling so helpless right now, any direction is appreciated.

fungible,

welcome to our group.

what kind of herapy is your husband in? if he has not been diagnosed bp, he will need to see a pdoc. they are the only one who can make a diagnosis, and medicate if needed.

feel free to continue to post here. we are not judgemental. you will not be judged for how you feel.

there are a lot of ppl in this site that know a lot about bp. they have lived with it.

you mentioned children. how old are they?

the 1st thing to remember is to take care of yourself and your children.

please keep us updated. we are here for you. you will find that you can vent, cry, make friends here.

again welcome

joyce

Thanks Joyce. My kids are 3.5 and almost 7. I am trying to take care of myself, but living with him and the uncertainty of his actions makes it hard. I have trouble eating and have to control my crying. He seems to have forgotten he once loved me. He is being seen by a PhD therapist who has sent him to a psych (at least that is what he tells me) who he is seeing tomorrow. I am afraid that he doesn't honestly report to his doctors what happened or is happening as he doesn't seem to think it was as serious as I make it out to be. He says he doesn't trust me or like me and thinks we should get a divorce, but doesn't want to leave our home. Yet last week he was talking about re-writing our Ketubah (our marriage vows) as our marriage has changed and the next 10 years will be different. There is no consistency in his words or actions and there is no light behind his eyes anymore.

you really need to go to his appointment with him.

if he is bp, he could see things different that how others see them.

my hubbys pdoc, won't see him unless i am with him. she is great hubby is now more stable than in all the 9 yrs we have been together. there is still the wait and see feelings, that it all may start again.

if he is bp, and really wants to get help, he will allow you to go to his pdoc appointments with him. he will take their advice, and take his meds as directed. pot could be his way of self medicating, but it is not what he needs.

think of your children. how is this affecting them?

joyce

He won't let me go with him. He says its inappropriate. He says he doesn't have mental health problems other than depression.

you may have to set the limits. if he wants to work on his marriage and his problems, he will need help.

do you want your children to grow up thinking this is the way they should act, or be treated? children learn from their parents. how involved is he in their lives?

there are many stories of people on here, that have managed to live thru bp and go on to have happiness. it took a lot, but they have made it.

sorry to say, some have not. these are the ones that the bp partner would not or could not, take responsibility for this horrible disease.

keep posting. it helps to vent.

are you seeing a therapist? this could help you out a great deal. i know mine does

Yes, I have a therapist, he has a therapist and we have a couples' therapist. He may not want to work on the marriage... not sure I do at this point either. I am thinking very hard about my kids and that I don't want them to grow up in this environment. He has always been fairly involved with the kids (but reluctantly and as though it was a chore) After this incident, however, he seems to be very focused on being a good dad and wanting to be more involved with the kids. It does help to vent. I will look at some of the other postings to see if anyone else has a similar situation... thanks Joyce.

Welcome Fungible! Joyce gave you great advice. He must be willing to help himself before any progress can be made. Until he's willing to work with you, the best thing you can do is learn some coping skills and give your children as much stability as possible. Look through the posts on this board and you will find a wealth of wisdom that's been shared.

Just know that you're not alone and are always welcome to vent.