Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

So my SO left about 5 wks ago, and came back last week. So he was gone for about 3 wks, and he stayed with me and my son in our house for about 2 wks. He showed up after 3 wks to see our son then started talking to me, apologizing, and asking for another chance. I said I want couples counseling and he needs to see a psychiatrist. I thought he would say no, but he said he would do it if I think it would help him. The following day, he texted me asking if its ok to bring in all his stuff and I said no. Well he showed up with some of his clothes and I didnt ask him to move back. My son was excited to see his father so I thought its good for my son but I kept my distance still. He thought we were in good terms cuz he agreed for counseling and psychiatrist and asked me to set it up for him because he does not know how it works. Somehow, I feel like its not good enough for me. A week passed by and he was good helping me in the house and I didnt have to get my aunt (80 miles away) to watch my son that week cuz he did it (he worked from home).

Somehow I felt the need to go through his stuff and I found a restaurant receipt for 2 people. It was a good japanese restaurant. My heart dropped. He was all about he is broke and could not afford the gas for his V8 car and been borrowing money from people for gas and food (cuz I cut him off for the whole 3 wks, actually until now). His job is based on commission and has no base. He said that money has been a problem and that he has no money to take me out and that he was unable to make it up for my bday last year because of money (I told him any restaurant would do it, doesnt have to be a fancy restaurant). Excuses of course. He was able to take me out in the past even when he has no job. I confronted him about the receipt and he got mad. He said that his trainer at work went with him to see clients at home and it was not successful. He said his trainer suggested the restaurant after his failed appt that day and he paid as a gesture of appreciation for teaching him stuff and rescheduling her appts that day to help him with his. And this occurred 2 days before he showed up to see my son and talked to me in person to work things out. I cant really explain how I feel about this and I dont know how I should react to this.

I verbalized recently that I feel neglected and unloved, and that we dont do things anymore and he does not suggest things to do to strengthen our relationship. He said it was because we dont have much time cuz of our schedules and limited money, etc. So I'm just thinking that if he is smart, he should realize that he has a wife that has been providing and been feeling neglected, and eating out with his trainer and paying for it (when he has no money) as a gesture of appreciation is not going to look good on him. Where is his gesture of appreciation to me? For all my hardwork, taking care of the house and my son, providing for them, house chores, being understanding when he was giving me hell, all my sacrifices, and giving him the car he wanted, etc! He had made no money for the last 3 months he is in that job and always saying he has been working hard but no luck. And for the past 2 months, I was working extra 10 hrs each wk to pay for babysitter/my aunt so that he could work and make money. I've been eating fastfood/drive trus and bringing lunch to work so I can save money, while he was eating good, trying different restaurants with his trainer, and paying for it.

The last time I sat down in a restaurant for lunch was with him before he left for 3 wks! And I found 2 more receipts of restaurants for 2 people, and I feel that he is not in a positiion to be buying people's lunch when he cant even take his wife out and provide for his family. I dont know how to take it from here. I'm posting to get opinions, should I give him another shot since he is willing to see a psychiatrist and let go of him eating out/paying for her? Sorry its kinda long..

mshopeful, you need to concentrate your energy on figuring out a way to get him INTO a psychiatrist where he gets a proper diagnosis and any meds he needs. I think that all your efforts to try to tell him your emotional needs now will fall on deaf ears (or he will listen for a short while...). He needs to get to a pdoc and get a thorough workup and diagnosis. JMO.

Thanks Marriedtoit. I wasnt sure if I still wanted to work out even with him seeing a psychiatrist, then I realized that I did, but then I found out about him having fun paying for other people's lunch when I was working hard to pay bills, driving 2 hrs to work, and taking my son to his appts weekly. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. Trust is not there anymore and I dont know if I can get over it even if he is on meds. I feel so confused.. I want to give it a try, but then when I think about this incident, I feel just hurt and disappointed..

I was told by a pshchologist, about my son,, that until we got his adhd under control, counselling wouldn't do any good. I agree with 2it, before even mentioning YOUR needs or requests, he needs to be evaluated by a pdoc and put on meds, or different ones - maybe even be inpatient to get him stable. If you want this to work,, right now he is sick and has to be helped first - this is when we take the caretaker role 100%. And it is tiring, but worth it if you want a second try. He may see your help as compassion and maybe be softer on you - who knows...

I am aware about the whole caretaker role, but do I really want to be a caretaker in a relationship for the rest of my life? When would it go both ways? Has any of your BP spouse at any point become the caretaker when on meds? He might be a different person when on meds, but I know that there would be a time that he would be off meds or needs meds adjustment and who knows what would happen until he gets stabilized again (thats just based on some people I know thats taking meds). Or maybe he'll do great and will find the right meds and dosage right away by luck. I dont really know what will happen, and also scared to find out. I guess I'm kinda losing hope with all the times he let me down and all his profanity and verbal abuse etc. I feel like I have nothing more to give.

MsNOTsohopeful....

Re-read your last post. You tell us he is cursing at you and verbally abusing you. You fear he will never be there for you. You fear meds will never be enough...

I think your subconscious is trying to tell you to let this guy go...

Post edited by: marriedtoit, at: 07/16/2011 12:31 AM

mshopeful,

I am in a similar situation. My husband of a little over a year was diagnosed with BP about 7 months ago and it has been devastating on our relationship. My needs have not been met in OVER a year, due to his severe depression and outbursts. He's been frustrated with himself- his inability to work due to anxiety/depression, his inability to emotionally or physically be a husband to me- and it finally came to a head a few weeks ago. You can look back at my discussion "Just Seperated" to read my story, if you'd like. I have had very similar thoughts about being a caretaker for the rest of my life, worrying constantly about the state I'll find him in when I get home (dead or alive). He's talked about suicide once to the point he had to be baker acted and then attempted another time and had to be hospitalized as well. It's been a rough road, but now that I've been accused of a million horrible things, and been called a ton of names, I've decided to just leave permanently. Obviously I don't have a child involved, so it's a bit different for you.. but if you are having thoughts about this caretaker role and whether you want that forever, then I urge you to really listen to yourself. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't leave and should work it out, but he quickly makes it clear that it wasn't healthy for either of us to be in that relationship. He's getting help now and sounding a lot more stable, but it doesn't last long. Some people luck out and get help and are just fine.. others, not so much. It's a gamble.

Are you seeing a therapist? It has really helped me work through my thoughts and feelings about all of this.

((hugs)) I hope you figure everything out and know you are not alone!