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loly2011 Posts: 2
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Hi, I am here because i started therapy friday. to my surprise, she told me i may be co-dependent. I was to go home and google the word, then write down the symptoms that describe me, if any. to my surprise there are quite a few. i don't know what to feel right now. i have been married for 20 years, 10 of those years have been awful. all this time i thought i was doing the right thing by staying and supporting my husband, who has a very bad temper. he yells, throws things, speaks to me harshly, says awful things, then "forgets" about it. My story is very long and i won't post tonight only b/c its late and i am tired, but i am hoping to find some answers here. i went to therapy on friday because i am seriously thinking of filing for a divorce but i love my husband. this is not easy for me. but now i am left thinking of my co-dependency problem. i have to read more about it, but what can i do in the meantime to break this? i always consider myself pretty independent. no one does anything for me. i do everything myself. guess i am feeling down. i went to therapist for help on how to deal with my husband, not this. thanks
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taylynn Posts: 1866
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hi loly! is your husband bipolar? Is he being treated? yes,please post more when you can. There is so much you can learn on here. I learned so much from people here. I'm sorry you feel down. We would love to help you however we can! HUGS and hope to hear more from you soon!  If you want to know where your heart is …
Look where your mind goes when it wanders …
***************
I had been conditioned to think
I had the power to save him
I had been conditioned to believe
it was my responsibility to prevent it
and truth is
i am not qualified to do either. |
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shjihm  Posts: 175
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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.htmlThis is an interesting article I found while googling "co-dependency". I do not know much about the subject but this article seems to make some sense. I would think that every situation is different and that only you can decide whether co-dependency (as addressed in this article) is a negative thing or positive thing for you. You may also want to investigate exactly what your therapist defines as co-dependency and why it may or may not be a problem in her eyes...as there may be a variety of definitions out there. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency Wikipedia also has some good info which addresses the idea that "Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking." So it kinda deals with the issues the other article has with the term co-dependency. Ya learn something new every day. Post edited by: shjihm, at: 06/25/2011 10:36 PM |
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behindthemask
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Welcome loly... I'm not sure about therapists pinning a "label" on people after the first visit... you may have some of that but it doesn't excuse your husband's behavior toward you - I've been married over 20 years and feel like you,, I was at the end of my rope, ready to leave, and actually did,, and my husband finaly woke up to some of what he was dong to hurt me - but it took me getting out of my comfort zone and establishing some boundaries,, such as,, "do not call me names" or "stop yelling" - I don't think he realized I would ever leave until I did, and it scared him. Then I felt safe making some demands for my own health! I was literally sick from all the blame and raging... he is on meds that help now and things are a lot better. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist but if you can be strong and stand up for your rights as a person it will make you feel better and help your marriage. If he has a mental illness, be bold and insist he look into that with you. That may take time,, so please read all you can about this illness, see if it may fit him, and other posts. It will help you be strong and understand what's going on hopefully better. HUGS |
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Ninra Posts: 194
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"Some believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. Codependency in nonclinical populations has some links with favorable characteristics of family functioning"-from the wiki article that shijihm posted I have to say, I can be quite assertive, Im an aries after all. I am also a massage therapist. And had an abusive relationship with my ex husband. And live on my VERY own with my two kids for the last three years. And have been in a realtionship with my SO for 6 years and plenty of breakups due to his undiagnosed something. I have wondered if I was co-dependent but because the mental illness and co-dependent realms are so arbitrary its really up to us to take what we like and leave the rest, Free Will. Education is key, try things on for size. Not only that but every relationship you have with someone is a different dynamic. For that matter, every family does and cultures too. Being able to grow while in a relationship with someone I love is important to me. My neighbor once said some wise words when I asked him advice on my relationship with my SO. "I cannot speak for the laws of love" Some people choose to have relationships that dont even have love in them (convienience). Does that make them sick too? Just some thoughts to ponder.Hope I wasnt too out in left field for you. I live in my own little world, but its okay, they know me here. -unknown |
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taylynn Posts: 1866
Senior Member
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I think it made perfect sense Ninra If you want to know where your heart is …
Look where your mind goes when it wanders …
***************
I had been conditioned to think
I had the power to save him
I had been conditioned to believe
it was my responsibility to prevent it
and truth is
i am not qualified to do either. |
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Lissa87 Posts: 379
Member
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co-dependency is not exactly the opposite of "independent". that is, it doesn't question your independence. What it does, question, though is what you call "love". |
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bailey19 Posts: 493
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Loly- Read 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beattie....or anything by her. If you learn not to be codependent it makes your life much easier...things don't bother you so much. It is liberating. It is hard to understand exactly what it means, but Beattie does a great job describing it and it is easily understood. Good luck. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
No need to drive me crazy, I'm within walking distance.
Never Make Someone A Priority In Your Life... When You Remain An Option In Theirs |
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Ninra Posts: 194
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tay- yay! thanx. I own Codependent No More and every page i read seems so negative and not me. a smidge is me but I keep peeking in the book for more info. bailey- what exactly did you tell yourself so that things bothered you less? I like liberation lol. One thing I started doing in the last year was with my SO's push/pull is that I would draw boundries becuase hed walked away so many times that I had nothing to lose. Now I know hes not well- i Feel like smacking my palm to my forhead- 6 fracking years later!!!!!!! I think there is a fuzzy line between empathy and co-dependency. Half the battle when I started out as a massage therapist was leaving my energy and the clients energy seperate. But when you work on someone, to really sense whats going on, there is plenty of back and forth energy. I was so worn down after full time for 5 years I had to take a hiatus, still on hiatus lol. So my relationship with my SO is such that I can sense him before he even knows whats going on. I cant help that Im super in tune with him. So really the only boundries I can make are that I will be supportive so long as hes getting help. I live in my own little world, but its okay, they know me here. -unknown |
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