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06/20/2011 08:35 AM

When Is It Abuse???

behindthemask

This can be a confusing thing,, bc we get so conditioned in a relationship at times that we don't know really what is considered abuse. I took this from the emotional Abuse site, I thought this broke it down pretty good...

"When Is It Abuse?

There is a difference between having a bad day and being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more serious. Behaviors such as name calling, interrupting and acting selfish and insensitive are hurtful and worthy of criticism but they aren't all abuse, except when they are part of a pattern of abuse. Abuse is about power, it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.

The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatment end and abuse begins include the following actions:

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior - repeating behaviors he knows you dislike, switching into the role of the victim, ridiculing you for complaining of mistreatment. He doesn't believe that you have the right to defy him.

He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem - says you are too sensitive, you think everyone is abusing you, you're angry because you are not getting your own way. He is trying to persuade you that you have unreasonable expectations of his behavior, that you are actually reacting to something else and that you are using your complaints against him. These tactics are to discredit your complaints of mistreatment, which is abusive. His core attitude is "you have no right to object to how I treat you".

He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands you accept them. He feels entitled to forgiveness and demands it.

He blames you for the impact of his behavior - For example, if she is mistrustful of him because of his mistreatment of her, he says that her lack of trust is causing her to percieve him as abusive, reversing cause and effect in a mind-twisting way. If your partner criticizes or puts you down for being badly affected by his mistreatment, that is abuse.

It's never the right time, or the right way, to bring things up - Initial defensiveness is comon even in nonabusive people. With an abuser however, even time after an argument to cool off doesn't help. In fact, the time between arguments may be used to build a case against you.

He undermines your progress in life - he tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy, causes you to lose a job or drop out of school, takes advantage of you financially and ruins your economic security, causes damage to your relationships with friends and family.

He denies what he did - denying actions such as name calling or pounding his fist on the table

Justifies hurtful or frightening acts or says you "made him do it" - He may tell you he can yell because you're not listening to him or says he will stop one form of abuse if you stop doing something that bothers him, which often will be something you have every right to do.

He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways - even if it only happens once, physical aggression is abuse. If he raises a fist, punches a hole in the wall, throws things at you, blocks your way, restrains you, grabs you, pushes, pokes or threatens to hurt you, that is physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for safety to control you. Call a hotline as soon as possible if any of these things happens to you. Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in a relationship, it can escalate over time to more serious assaults. Any form of physical initimidation is highly upsetting to children who are exposed to it.

He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you - sexual assault or chronic sexual pressure is abuse.

His controlling, disrespectful or degrading behavior is a pattern - you will need to form your own conclusions about whether your partner's mistreatment of you has become repetitive.

You show signs of being abused - are you afraid of him? Are you getting distant from friends and family? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like you can't do anything right?"

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308453399&sr=1-1

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06/20/2011 09:24 AM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6816
Group Leader

Great post! Thanks for putting it up.

06/21/2011 07:38 PM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6816
Group Leader

bumping for 2much4me

06/21/2011 07:46 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13289
Group Leader


06/24/2011 08:54 AM
behindthemask


06/24/2011 09:34 AM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6816
Group Leader

The heartless bitches rant is the single best thing I have read about emotional abuse. Great find, BTM.

Everyone should keep a copy of that article somewhere. You never know when you might need to re-read it.


06/28/2011 02:27 PM
behindthemask

bumping - good info - its not always the Bipolar speaking.

06/28/2011 03:01 PM
Catbaloo
CatbalooPosts: 6816
Group Leader

A bipolar ass is still an ass, and as Warhorse always says, there's no pill for asshole.

06/29/2011 05:48 AM
behindthemask

bumping for cynamon

07/01/2011 01:51 AM
Ninra
Ninra  
Posts: 194
Member

This sounds like my exhusband from years back. He has made a vast recovery and is now a decent father and does not treat his girlfriend anything like he treated me. I recently told him that he is living proof that miracles happen. And that is HUGE for him coming from ME.

Take my word.

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