Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Subject: Grieving a Narcissist

Grieving the loss of a relationship with a Narcissist (N) has many layers. They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person. The problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of a Narcissist relationship, which are not understood by the 'civilian' population and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant relationship with a N.

In a healthy relationship break-up one grieves:

The dream of love not continuing.

The break in the continuity of the familiar.

The pain of saying goodbye.

The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting.

A sense of loss.

Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do together, broken memories of past pleasures.

Hope interrupted.

Well wishing put aside for self-survival.

Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a healthy relationship.

BUT GRIEVING A N THERE ARE OTHER INGREDIENTS, NOT AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC UNDERSTANDING, SUCH AS:

THE NIGHTMARE OF GOING FROM BEING IDEALIZED TO BEING DEVALUED.

DISCOVERING THE WEB OF LIES ON MANY LEVELS.

Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of NS (narcissistic supply*). That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.

The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda.

Not being believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-up.

Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one loved.

Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".

Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but always dangerous. [I'm not certain closure is possible. ~Invicta]

When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'. That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in one's loving prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond memories.

But with a xN, news of their present life always bring chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not important to them, was it all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's need for NS one cannot help thinking will they come back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss?

But in the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless NS.

After the detachment is physically complete with a N there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss.

Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole in one's life.

[*NS, 'narcissistic supply' is the wholesale attention, involvement, giving to the narcissist. ~Invicta]

http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/grieving- relationship.html

Post edited by: Catbaloo, at: 06/19/2011 08:01 AM

Thank you so very much. That is EXACTLY what's going on with me! Why this is so painful for me. I have had other healthy break-ups and they went just like described.

This post break up is exactly what is happening with me. Thanks for clearing up so muc of my confused feelings.

I clicked on a link about healing from a relationship on that site and thought I would share that here as well, it wpoke to me...

Common Misconceptions about Healing

---Dee Ann Miller, RN, BS ---

Before leaving psychiatric nursing to devote more time to advocacy work, I wrote some hand-outs for my patients. No matter what the trauma, no matter what the diagnosis, no matter if the patient was suffering from a chronic or an acute condition, I found that many profited from one that helped clarify some of the common myths about healing. Hopefully, these myths can help you, as well:

MYTH #1. Emotional healing is a process that's needed only occasionally, when one has been deeply hurt. NO! Healing is a constant on-going part of daily living. For everyone! It is required whenever we face a change or crisis. Much of it takes place without us being consciously aware that it is going on. Survivors often feel "different" or permanently "damaged" when, in reality, they are waging an internal war because of cognitive distortions that constitute unwelcome changes in the way things are perceived. Healing requires the adjustment to new understandings, new ideas, new skills, new behaviors, and a new self-concept that, in time, has the potential to produce a healthier person than ever before.

MYTH #2. There is a magic formula that I have to find if I'm going to recover. Sorry, there are no magic formulas! When I worked with children, I frequently sang a little song to them: "Look all the world over. There's no one like me." It's true for adults, just as much as children. In fact, life's circumstances can make adult processes even more complex. The way you heal and how fast you do it can depend on your personality, past experiences with trauma, how you perceive your present situation, your support system, and many other factors. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to heal. There is no normal timetable, no measuring stick. You are not in competition with anyone else.

MYTH #3. Professionals are the most important people on the healthcare team. NO! You are! Professionals have a lot of knowledge, but they are not God. They alone cannot bring healing, no matter how much they try. Their work, and yours, can be undermined by circumstances beyond their control. All of us have our limitations. The most important thing a professional can do for you is to provide a listening ear and an accepting, empathetic spirit.

MYTH #4. Healing is an event with a definite beginning and ending. Unfortunately, problems tend to recycle periodically, requiring one to face new issues related to the trauma, years after saying: "I think I'm over that." This can be scary, especially if one is not warned of the possibility. The stages of grieving may have to be repeated when reminders or other traumatic events trigger old garbage. This is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of normality. Our losses often involve sub-losses that may not be recognized until years after the initial trauma.

MYTH #5. Time heals all things. No, again! Ignoring pneumonia usually brings a slow, painful death. So does ignoring emotional or spiritual pain. While healing is an individual process, finding well-informed professionals, friends and other survivors who are able to support you can go a long ways. So can reading material. You DO need time, but time alone isn't the answer. Healing involves a lot of grieving over changes and losses. And grieving is very hard work. It's exhausting. So set realistic goals. Take vacations away from the active process, from time to time. Be kind to yourself. Expect things to get better slowly as you are able to take time for the pain.

http://www.advocateweb.org/hope/healing.asp

"Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen"

Thanks Cat.

Thought it might help to read this again now that you're further down the path of healing.

Big hugs.