Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hello everyone,

I am so thankful that I stumbled across this site. I am sure you guys are aware, that there is not a lot of active or up to date sites for the spouses of people who suffer from BP.

Anyways, I would love to jump in a introduce myself give my history. My name is Jason and my wife and i have been married for 12 years and together for 15. She was diagnosised our first year of marriage.

We faced issues just like everyone else on here; suicide attempts, drinking issues, hypersexuality, spending, overdoses, not taking meds properly, being in bed for days from depressive episodes and so on.

With a lot of hardware, going through multiple med combos, therapist, physicians and Christ. My wife has really done well and overall very stable for the paste 4 years. Of course, we have issues, like regular couples. But, in comparison to what life used to be like. It has been pretty great.

However, over the past year, my wife is on the decline again. She is functional and working, most of the time she takes her meds (due to nausea issues she states), her alcohol intake has picked up but not heavy by any means and she has been very confrontational with me. Almost, in a rebileous type of way. So for the time being I am backing down and not trying to be abrasive. She has been going out of her way and being aggressive about 'making me look bad' in front of the kids, family, strangers, friends and church members. For example calling me names or cussing at me in front of the kids, letting the kids know how much I have screwing things up around the house, she has been overriding or taking control over decisions that I have made and taking over roles that I have been doing for years.

She is a type of person to which she will go to any length to prove her point and recently, prove her dominance. Right now, I am taking the route of silence. Also, stepping down a little, as she has decided that I have been running things so wrong for years and years, that it time for someone to run thing properly.

I do have a plan of interaction if need be. But, for now, I am bitting my toungue as much as I can and letting her run with it. It hasnt been all bad, she has improved a lot of processes. But, she doesnt forget to let me know how much better things are now that she is in charge.

Anyways, that is enough for now. I would love to hear others experiences or if anyone else is in a similar situation or any thoughts in general.

BTW, divorce for me is not even a option, I love her and she is the one God gifted me with.

Look forward to any responses.

Jason

WElcome Jason,, my first reaction was, her meds don't sound like they are working right - does she regularly go to a pdoc? You may want to call him/her and get an appt, and address your concerns... are you able to talk to him first maybe? Then he will know at the appt what's going on without your wife thinking you are "attacking" her.. in that state of mind she may not appreciate your view on that.

Welcome! This site has been so comforting to me (wish I had found it sooner). I hope it will help you, too. I totally understand how you feel about divorce and her beign the one God gave you. Guess this is our cross to bear.

I don't have a whole lot of experience, so others may be able to help out more. All I can say is, don't let her off too easily. You probably need to start hinting at the least that she needs to get help. You know her best and know how best to approach the subject so that she doesn't get too upset, though.

Good luck.

Post edited by: patientlove, at: 06/14/2011 09:32 AM

Hi Jason, Welcome to the group! It sounds like along with getting advise you will be a great help to us here as well. It is always nice to hear a man's point of view and also someone who has been dealing with this lovely disease for a substantial time frame.

I know myself that I struggle with knowing what to do for my SO and what to have him do for himself. Have you acknowledged to your wife the processes that have improved and praised her for that? Does she respond well to that or is it more of a I told you so type response? My main concern with the silent approach is that in my case when I keep things to myself it causes me to have anxiety and stress about it where if I just talked to him about it and got it over with I think the stress on me would be less...

I would be interested in hearing the plan of interaction? I am always looking for tools in my belt.

How old are your children? How are they handling this?

Again, welcome to the group!

I have read, to give 5 positive responses to 1 negative, and ppl will be more receptive. I like that idea,, to start with a positive and lead into getting help... she may perceive that as a criticism. Nobody likes to be told they have a problem, especially with mental illness. I have to be careful with my husband how to address things,, he usually turns it back on me if I don't use tact.

Jason: Sounds like it could be mania creeping back in.... How often does she go to the pdoc, and do you go with her?

Thank you all for welcoming me and for responding. I can tell you all have a great deal of experience and all have been there as well.

I agree with you all, she is in a hypomanic state. She is not taking her meds as she needs too. She hates taking her Topomax, b/c she has memory issues with it and her functionality is slow. But, it does keep her from hypomania and rapid cycling.

When I say I take the silent approach, it is more of the verberal communication. She knows what buttons to push with me and she is so much smarter than I am and can argue circles around me. At one time, in a manic state, she convinced me that I was the one with a mental illness(no joke) (I am ADD, but not in the manor she convinced me in). Her therapist quickly brought me back to reality.

I have to be very selective with what I say, she has a memory of an elephant and will use it against me in a heartbeat. So, I am very, very selective with what I say and do my best to think about all my conversations well in advance whenever possible when she is hypomanic or manic.

As far as her doctor, it is pretty much a waste of time at this point. She is in a confident mind set and thinks she is doing no wrong and everything she does right now is the correct way. Either this hypomania will digress spontaneous, which is has before, or something impactful has to happen. Such as, getting in trouble at work, loosing friendships,or something to that effect.

Plus, I am somewhat pissed at my wife's doc anyways. He gave away some of my secrets of me knowing when she is getting sick in one session sometime ago. We all dropped our gaurd in that session b/c she was doing well and we were discussing bipolar peoples habits. He let her know what my observations as well as his that we shared with one another. (Such as, she dyes her hair red when hypomanic, blond when getting depressed, she wears more pants suites to work which are more snug and wears shirts that show just a little bit more cleavage than her usual style when hypomanic and she tends to wear more dresses when she it flat or on the depressed side.) So, she has abdapted to my exposed observations and it makes things a little more difficult. With this hypomania, she stayed her natural brunette with blond hightlights. Her clothes style hasnt changed that much as from when she is stable, so therefore it tells me she isn't that bad yet.

At this point, I can only watch and try to intervene when I see she has her guard down.

Post edited by: jtaylor1173, at: 06/16/2011 02:19 PM

welcome Jason!

I like your attitude, God gifted you with her. Sounds like she is either not taking her meds as prescribed or they have stopped working. Many times my bps meds had to be completely changed. I had to laugh when you said she has the memory of an elephant and will use it against you in a heartbeat! Mine was exactly that way too! Memory far better than mine, who would of thought as sick as he got and on all those meds...jeez..

I hope things get better soon, you have lots of good comments already I see so I won't add alot, but I would suggest the book, I'm not sick I don't need help by Xavier Amador which gives great advice on how to speak to them when they are not in their right mind..

best wishes and feel free to keep reading and posting!

Jason, welcome!

I would add a couple things. If you love her, you also have a duty to be assertive here, because it is for her own good that she is stabilized. You and your children have rights too. Bipolar is a serious mental illness and can really mess up a family. You have the right to a treated spouse and to know what you are dealing with at all times. I know that can be hard when the BPSO isn't cooperative, but I believe it must be the base agreement if one is to remain living with the BPSO and raising kids.

Here are the boundaries that are working for my husband and I so far:

1) HIPAA forms are signed so that I have access to husband's medical info, pdoc, and appointments. No secrets.

2) Meds are placed somewhere we can both easily see and access. Skipping meds = deal breaker. If the meds are causing undesirable side-effects, make an appointment with the pdoc ASAP and find new meds. If the pdoc is not sympathetic to the plight of the family as well as the patient, get a new pdoc.

3) We have created a list of things my husband says, thinks, feels, and does when experiencing certain bipolar symptoms. There are no secrets between me and his pdoc any more than between him and his pdoc. The list is out in the open for all to see. I show it to him when he starts exhibiting the symptoms and it helps him to see that what he is experiencing might not be his real feelings but might just be bipolar rearing its ugly head. It has taken some time but it helps him to be self-reflective and me to not get drawn into the drama. Your wife may not be dying her hair the same color but there will be lots of other signs. I like to suggest Julie Fast's website and books when it comes to recogizing and educating the BPSO about bipolar symptoms.

Again, bipolar is a serious mental illness. It may not feel that way when we are getting along or just coming out of a happy stretch of time, but when your BPSO is holed up in the corner throwing dominos at you so you can't get out the door to go to work, or off doing any number of the other crazy-ass things that come with being non-medicated, you'll remember!

Post edited by: shjihm, at: 06/16/2011 07:10 PM

Jason: OF COURSE everything is your fault...!!!

Read my 'Rules' for dealing with BP disorder:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-spouses- discussions/general-support/2729144-warhorses-top-10-rules