Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

almost 6 months since we broke up and 4 since i moved out.. i still feel hurt. and i terribly miss him time and again. I hate to admit but i do think about him everyday and i find myself hoping that he will get back and that we will work things out. i try to escape these desires. it s not that i want to engage in such wishful thinking, it just happens, so i repress which is not the best strategy, i know. sometimes i also explain to myself why i don t want it. yet i still find myself time hoping. then i feel hurt, i feel like i ve been lied to, i feel that everything was fake. i also feel that the person i knew died. i sometimes wish to contact him. recently i ve been thinking about it more and more. i ve been thinking of sending him an email. but then i fear his rejection, i don t want to give him power either by being weak and not being able to walk away. i sometimes worry about him too, i feel upset when i think that i have no more place in his life and that other people have taken my place (that is that other people became more important and that he confesses to others). i have recurrent thoughts of being unimportant, abandoned, worthless. i find myself ruminating about the fact that i did for him as much as no one ever did for him. and i loved him for what he was. i hate these thoughts, it s bad to think that way, but they come to me time and again. i sometimes think that i want closure, i want to tell him how i feel - we never had closure. and then i think again about writing him. bur i keep withholding myself. i know that if i do it, it won t be a closure. it certainly won t, it would simply open all my scars again, which are not yet healed.and then, i don t know if i send him an email whether or not it will get to the person that i knew, may be he changed completely. may be he forgot me, may be he didn t spend one second thinking about me since i moved out. lately i ve been asking myself about the fact whether or not he misses me, i want to know, i want to ask him. sometimes i feel guilt too. i don t want him to think that i ve abandoned him. because i didn t. i would of never done that had the break up not happen. i always cared and did my best, i still care.. i do. it upsets me that he would contact me every once in a while but he would never talk about what happened, he would never say that i mean a lot to him, or anything of that sort. and i get upset because i have no clue why he would approach me. may be it had nothing to do with the fact that he values me at all. i wish my therapy had already began - it will start in the first week of june... soon... i feel distressed... it takes lots of energy to withhold from contacting him. i also have the fear of loosing him which is irrational since i ve lost him a long time ago. i can t stand the idea that he doesn t miss me, doesn t care fore me, doesn t want to see me.

i am sorry for rambling. it seems like i keep cycling in the same loop... why can t i forget?

Lissa

i know how hard it is, i struggle with alot of these feelings..we split 2/12. Lately I have been able to repress and not think about him too much...I don't care if it's bad or good, at least I'm not sad right now. I will get pangs of sadness..i'm 43..i'm getting old..this was/is my husband..and now I'll be alone forever.. that's what goes thru my head alot. I have not felt guilty this week..thank God, that's the worst..guilt for making him leave...guilt that I can't/couldn't handle it it...guilt i didn't do things different somehow...

it's hard dwelling on these negative thoughts. I go thru good days and bad..Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for you!

thank you taylynn for your kind words. the reason i said that repressing is bad is because it always end up to rebound with a much bigger amplitude... i think that you shouldn t think that you will be alone the rest of your life - if you would want to get into another relationship, you will certainly able to do so.. i think in that respect you have all the control - it depends on what you want. i am happy you are not sad right now, i hope you get helaed from all of it very soon. thank you for your support again... i really appreciate... hope tomorrow brings a good day for all of us..

Hey Lissa: Did you read the thoughts inside my head? I know how you feel that's for sure. I think Blender may have said once, or maybe it was Warhorse, 'there is no closure with mental illness'...

Tay: 43? OLD??? Get outa here....I'm 44, and nowhere near old!

One of the things that keeps me trapped is that my XSO used to say all the time how people always leave him, and he is so upset that he doesn't have any success with relationships, and it's so hard for him to get a gf...

Yet there I was, willing to work on it, happy 'enough' most of the time, and it was him, who was so critical and even critical of me for not leaving...

Easy, re "there is no closure with mental illness" - very well said... sad but very true...

Also, same here for me, my ex was always talking about people leaving him and about the fact that no one wants to deal with bipolar. when he broke up with me he said that with loosing me he looses pretty much everything and that no one except me was able to stand with "all of his shit". this holds me too. it holds me in 2 ways - 1) i don t like the idea of him thinking that, like others i left him... it pains me as i didn t; 2) i feel for him... in a way, i want him to have me..

i hope things get easier for us soon. hang in there! and thank you for your support!

Bingo...very familiar...

I am having dinner with mine tomorrow...I'm still not sure if that's a good idea...

And you ladies want these guys back BECAUSE??????

Lissa: Read Wayne Dyer's 'Your Erroneous Zones'. It will teach you how to take control of yourself emotionally, and not pin it on someone else's approval or disapproval.

Great to see you back Warhorse...and the answer is...good question...

hey Lissa we've all been there, and you will still go there until you reach the enough is enough stage, then you'll go wtf did i waist my time with that pathetic self centered piece of shit, when i could have out there and opening my heart to someone who deserves and appreciates me, you'll get there.. it took me thirty years to wake up but as i always say i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, i was behind the door when brains were handed out!