Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

So M. gets back from his 2-week trip to China tonight. And as any of you that saw my last few diary entries know, he is manic as hell right now, and has been on a drinking bender pretty much since he got there.

[Postscript to yesterday's entry...he IMed during his layover, almost 12 hours after that conversation, and was still drinking! Being all lovey, but obviously wasted. With his coworkers, supervisor and director all there with him, wonder what kind of impression that made. Then he texted right before he got on the plane to ask "I don't suppose you'd pick up some vodka for Friday night? Uh...NO!]

So I have finally come to the sad realization that things are never going to change, and I don't want to try any more. I want to go ahead with divorce proceedings and put all of this behind me.

Here's my problem...I don't want to have that conversation when he's this manic. I know that if I tell him its over now, he's going to be furious and ugly to me, and I don't want that to be my last memory of him.

But he's so anxious to see me, if I try to put it off, he'll know something's up and badger me until I tell him.

So what do I do? I don't think I can see him and just pretend everything is ok, especially because after 2 weeks, I know the first thing he'll do is try to get me into bed, and considering that I think there's a good chance he was off trolling whorehouses on the night that he went MIA, there's no way in hell I'm letting him touch me. I thought about leaving a letter for him at the house, but I feel like that's a shitty way to break this sort of news to someone. Any ideas?

Funny cuz as I was reading I thought You should leave a letter to avoid the fight.

You don't have to tell him you are leaving for good and starting divorce proceedings. you can tell him you need some time to think about things.

Your not happy and can't see yourself living like this for another 40 years.

Say you love him and will be willing to talk to him when he is

1) sober

2) willing to start treatment for his BP (Idk if he is dx...dont know your story sorry)

Say you just need some space because his behavior is scarying you, and you'll be waiting for him to make the choice to change and get better...until then you wont be home.

I really think if he is manic right now he wont hear what you say, he is flying high and loving it and doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. It could go a billions ways and you know him best.

Be safe calm firm loving

This will give him time to calm down and think about what he has done, or send him into a mass breakdown and into the hospital or jail.....

This illness is very sad and its not your fault...you can't help him, only he can.

In the mean time ...make a plan to save yourself.

Post edited by: michellefaith, at: 04/29/2011 08:49 AM

I think Michelle is right - my husband was smoking pot every night for awhile, and at first I thought nbd, but then my oldest son had it and i thought - no this has to go - so I told him he needed to quit that, and get rid of his handgun (another story), and get treatment or I was gone for good... it scared him I guess he needs me, cuz he has been compliant about that.

He needs to know you are serious about him getting sober, and help for his BP, or at least get a dx...

If he refuses I think that would be your cue that things will never change.

Just my opinion, I like what Michelle said tho -

I NEVER fire a warning shot, NEVER!

(((Hugs)))

I think the trips provoke the mania with the time change and culture shock and everything goes 90 miles an hour there-at least in Japan it seems to.

I think for you as a couple that dynamic has the potential of creating alienation between you. I know the feeling-I just try not to let it get to me and go on-but I know that can be easier said than done.

Ah yeah the drinking too!

My husband calls so drunk he sounds like Mickey Mouse.

I'm fairly used to the whole traveling and out with the guys routine it's pretty much been a part of our routine since the beginning.

My husband usually goes MIA for an entire day on these trips too.

I don't really worry about it but everyone is different.

No whorehouse stories have slipped out here so far so I don't think anything like that has happened.

LOL Sally... I guess I could have gotten one and we could have an old fashioned stand-off... j/k!

ok gotta put this here too LOL!!

Post edited by: behindthemask, at: 04/29/2011 10:22 AM

Post edited by: behindthemask, at: 04/29/2011 10:23 AM

I would not fire a warning shot.

Discussions with a drunk / manic person

are futile.

He keeps putting the "boooze thing" in your face.

Like he is saying, nothing is going to change and you need to accept that.

ME, I would get his s***faced let him pass out

clean out the bank accounts get the credit cards

his car

anything else of value

and vanish into the night.

LOL

J/K

Seriously.

No warning shot

Get things into your name that you want to keep.

Get your ducks in a row.

Have a stash of cash.

If there is a history of DV , make a safety plan. There is one posted with a sticky at MDJ DV support.

You may want to check that out anyways, in it there is a list of things ( assets and paperwork etc )Before dropping the **D** bomb.

Intoxicated Bipolar folks do not play fair, and he will escalate when he realizes he is losing control.

Be smart

Be safe.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Oh I'm already out...moved out last July because of the drunken rages and refused to see or speak to him. Then a week or two later, he called, totally devastated, told me he'd seen a shrink and been diagnosed with BP. Once I started to educate myself, I realized that most, if not all, of the behaviors that drove me away were very typical of people with undiagnosed BP, so I agreed to remain friends and possibly give him another chance at some point in the distant future if he proved that he was committed to getting well. Its been nine months, and he just seemed to have reached the right combination and dose of meds, and found a therapist...and then this. (and I do have good reason to be concerned about what he was doing while MIA, found out after I left last summer via my browser history on my laptop that the dumbass used to research it ahead of time that he spent the night that he went MIA on his last trip to Shanghai last May in the "red light" district doing who knows what with I don't want to know how many prostitutes.)

Oh jeepers!

Ugh-so what are you gonna do?

This seems tough!