Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

I made the mistake of telling family, friends, co-workers some of the problems with my xbps. I have mentioned this b4, but I knew he had bi-polar but I didn't attribute any of his behaviors to this. I was very naive to the disorder and really only learned about it since being on here. The hard part is most people in the real world don't understand this at all. Just like I didn't. I thought he was a complete asshole. and so did everyone I know. friend, family, etc. thought I was crazy every time I got back with him. No one understood, including me. We didn't ever do anything with any friends.. he didn't have any. And I would not take him to a social function because he might flip out and embarrass me in some way. We split up and got back together all the time..if it wasn't him leaving on his own or me asking him to leave, but we always ended up getting back together. With new rules and ways of treating each other and no more lying, lot's of I love you's and kinda a honeymoon phase for a short time. The all hell would break loose again. Sometimes in a week, sometimes 3 mos. I'm not the type to put up with someone being mean to me. I get mad. I got to where I knew ways not to trigger him. But things would go awry anyway. It got to be when he'd come back, I wouldn't even tell people/friends...because they all look at me like I'm crazy. just divorce him, that's the simple way out. That is not the easy way out. I didn't get married to just give up that easily. But it was emabarrassing like I said. Cheating, raging, terrible words, texts and emails and even the gall to blame it all on me! It became to much for me. Now that I have learned all of this about this disease, it makes me sad. Sad that I didn't try to help him more. Sad that I didn't insist on going to Pdoc with him, insist on watching him take meds, not to argue, etc etc etc..I really had no idea...I guess I started out wondering what people tell others about their spouse? do you explain it? I just wish I knew more b4 things got where they are now. I'm beating myself up about it I think, I can't seem to get this off my mind..I think my naivety maybe was a blessing in disguise?

I am still learning about BP, but I would encourage you not to feel guilty/sad. We try so many things to "make it better" but it is mental illness and it is what it is and there is really nothing we can do about it. I had all kinds of hopes of it magically getting better until I read the stories of women/men on here who have been dealing with it for 20 years. I have since decided that I can't do that. I thought I could make it all better for him, but until HE gets to the place that he will be open and talk to me, a pdoc and willing to do the med thing, nothing is going to change. Don't feel bad, even though that may be real tough. Some things we just can't fix. God bless you.

It is a situation -disease- no one can control and few understand

I told people the truth (about my boyfriend) and many were sympathetic- it might be because I am older and people are more aware because we just lived longer and experienced more.

I kept the secret about my mother being schizophrenic when I was a child- years later when I was older I started to tell the truth. I was in a class in college (I was in my 30's) and a woman wrote a story about her schizophrenic mother. I felt less alone.

You are going through pain and loss- it is a lot to deal with. I cry still.

Yes, you are beating up yourself -wondering what you could have done. I still do it also.

This is the place to find support and understanding if your family & friends don't or can't.

I tell people to do whatever it takes to get through this-counseling/crying/screaming/exercise/writing a journal.

I realized when I got older that my mother never had a life-she was haunted by demons-and I was able to feel sorry for her- I was angry with her for a long time.

I didn't have a mother-and that is still a great pain in my heart.

I wish I had a simple answer to release all the pain we are all feeling-

It is difficult and painful.

Keep posting if that helps. Let us know how you are doing.

Sherry

Sister: We're all walking down the Yellow Brick Road together... No one on the outside will EVER understand. Don't expect them to....

Should you have done other things to help him? Yeah. But you didn't know what was going on or what those things were. So don't beat yourself up over it. Did he know? Probably not....

It's a lonely walk. Which is why we are here together. I never met true sisters until I got here. They understand me. They understand you. Please turn over a new leaf.... Now you know.... You know what is happening, and you know you can't talk to 'ordinary' people about it anymore.

He is gone now, or he is back? Medicated or unmedicated?

no, he is still gone..i don't know if he is medicated, but my guess would be no. he has been gone for 2 mos. now..i'm not going back, i can't do it..but i just trying to get thru this part. It's hard cause some people I know saw him and of course tell me how terrible he looks, like he is really sick..(which he is) but he knows to go to the doctor, he knows, he has lived with this along time.

Thank you Bailey, good point about the one's who have dealt with this for 20 yrs or more..mine has only been 4-5. It seems like even with meds a lot of people still have a really rough time.

Sherry, thank you for your post, I'm sorry about your mother. That has to be so hard. I think it helps to know they are sick, and can't help alot of the behavoirs, but knowing that makes it harder (at least for me) cause I know now how ill he is. and I feel like I abandoned him. and I love him. so it's hard. I know there are no simple answers, I think just talking about it and getting feedback from "sisters" (well put warhorse) is what will help me.

Taylynn: There's not a damn thing you can do until he decides to accept respnsiltity and get medicated. It is HIS illness, not yours. If he wants to come back, he has to follow WARHORSE'S rules... #1. Take your meds....

Taylynn...I keep getting that feeling that I'm abandoning my husband too, but I keep telling myself that I have to take care of me too and that I can't fix him.

In my situation, it didn't take a rocket scientist to recognize that my husband was a self centered jerk who was frequently rude to anyone around. For Example: Sales clerks in stores who are expecting a simple thank you for your help were often dismissed with "go away now". (Yes he actually said this - more than once). I used to be absolutely mortified by this behavior. One day I realized - I'm not responsible for his actions. He did it, he said it, he's the jerk. I'm only associated with that behavior if I tried to justify it or make excuses for it. Let people draw their own conclusions. And if its that he's a jerk, then so be it. All part of accountability.

For those that I didnt feel comfortable sharing the details with (sales clerks, colleagues etc), I found it helpful to look at them and simply say "some days I wonder why he says/thinks the things he does" or "I don't like it when he does that" etc and change the subject! It acknowledges the bad behavior, distances yourself from it, and creates an agreeable point with the other person.

Hang in there.

Menders: Did he ever get help?

mine didn't say stuff like that to store clerks, but he was not friendly with them at all..like they might say thank you! and he would barely not or acknowledge that...I always thought he seemed so unfriendly to people in general. He didn't like most people...especially the neighbors, and for no reason at all!