Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

okay so what its been a month, of him abandoning us... slept with another girl, told me i was horrible, wanted to start a divorce, and forced me to finally say alright. Now that i have started my new life on my own, hes "woken up from a long night of drinking to realize what he has done". He is scared and he cannot figure out why he did all those things, he doesnt understand why it all happened. he swears even if i give up on our marriage that he wont. hes going to get help, go to therapy, get in a sex addict group, and get on meds. he calls me when he can from ship (deployed) and crys. I told him straight up hes mentally abused me long enough. I am no longer willing to help him any more. I am no longer willing to live like this. If we dont work, i would rather it be when my children are to small to understand. for the first time in our relationship i have complete control. the last times he did this i begged for him back and accepted him back like nothing happened. Something inside me snapped i think, i will always hope one day he will change. but is that really realistic? even with medication and therapy... whose to say this wont happen in 2, 5, 10 years from now. we are only 23-24 years old. Should i really wait and see? should i wait until im 35 to have to start my life over? I just dont know.. is there any hope he can change really? has anyone seen them change? hes never been on meds since we have been together. i wonder if that would even do anything. im confused, stuck in a battle of my heart and head. I do want that fairy tale ending, where our kids can have both parents in their life forever. i know the good person in him can be that guy for me. but when the crazy man comes out it is just to much for me. not to sound conceded but im pretty much the most awesome wife ever. I have done anything hes ever asked me too, and i have so much to offer someone who isnt freaking psycho. where to go next.. i dont know. i made it clear to him while he is gone (10 months) i will not be his wife. I made it clear i wont start the separation papers yet, but one more mistake and they are filed/done. hes begging for one more chance. well thats the only chance i can really give him now. hes on his own now. his last chance is to take the next few years to show me he deserves to share my life with me. as unfair as that is (not really) im starting my OWN life, and he can be the one to suffer/try to win my trust back. although i highly doubt he can do it..

I would say if you have become comfortable on your own, stay that way and wait for someone who doesn't have bipolar! Now that you know the signs...

It sounds like he got tired of that gf, but who knows, if he will try that again when he tires of you again?? I say NO while the kids are young - Had I known and had the strength I would have done that a long time ago. I too think when they are older it is harder, the longer he has been in their lives.

Just my opinion there, I hope you find peace in the decision you make...

Post edited by: behindthemask, at: 04/14/2011 01:24 PM

This is a hard spot for him to put you in.

If you do get back together how do you trust him.

You're looking at investing time to have to go through everything all over again.

It's a tough call.

He mentioned going to a sex addicts group. If he's dealing with the bipolar symptom of hypersexuality then that will really avail him or anyone else nothing.

sooooooo hard love, so so hard..think of it like this: He could get on meds and everything be perfect for a while..say 3 yrs later, he does this again..(and based on my own history it was every 3 to 4 mos), not years...he could quit taking meds, which seems to be all too common..or he could get used to meds and they stop working and have to get them all switched up..or he could be on meds and still be nasty (like mine) well, i should clarify, he said he was on meds but I never saw him take them...soooo, think about can you deal with this when it happens again? When the kids are older and understand? Do you want to go thru this possibly time and time again? Or maybe, just maybe you will find an awesome husband some day that will treat you how a husband should treat a wife.

maybe write a list, with the positives on one side and the negatives on the other...

even if you decide to take him back, we will still love you here!

T

wastedspace- to be honest im not sure really is its hypersexuality that comes into play when hes manic. I havent been able to find information about it thats clear. in our whole relationship, manic or not its been an issue. he shows all signs of a sex addict. he has cheated mainly during a manic episode, but its happened when he wasnt too. thats been an ongoing issue all the time. but i def think he cannot stop himself when hes manic.. which is why he needs to be treating that part of him as well.

my ex was always on meds, yet very unstable. in the last 2.5 years i went through 3 break ups. he never changed and his behavioral patterns remained the same. one thing that is important, i think, to understand is that meds do NOT change behavioral patterns. Only intense therapy can give hope for that, and that would take a long time. Also, i think that the number of previous break ups is a pretty good predictor of how likely the break up will happen again. I don't know, but i think that after 3 break ups, for example, chances are really high that if i get back with my ex that he will break up once again. That s a stereotyped behavioral pattern. As soon as they get overwhelmed with whatever they get overwhelmed, they re gone. and then they come back when they need you.

Jneal: There is no fairy tale ending.... But I will tell you this. The right meds can make the difference between night and day. But it may take a very long time to get there. Depends upon a couple things: 1. How much longer are you willing to put up with this? 2. Do you want to implement Warhorse's rules? Take your meds, etc., etc.

I didn't get to be an old Warhorse for nothing....

You said he'd deployed.... Military or civilian?

He's military. Can't get on meds until he's out. Which is in less than a year now. He should be out after this deployment.

Jneal: Why doesn't he try to get help while he's in?