Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

how do i continue to take the verbal abuse of his rage and not resent him for treating me like a piece of sh-t(oh yeah, he told me i was a piece of sh-t)? i know that SOME of it is the bp but i just don't think i have it in me to keep bouncing back to loving wife. i have to put up emotional walls to protect myself from the verbal abuse. the thing that aggravates this is i am seeing so much more clearly how manipulative my husband is and how little he values me. he isn't even physically attracted to me or so it seems. it seems what turns him on is trashy looking women. he describes them as beautiful but i'm just regular and he is learning to see the beauty in me. he has had to give up what he really likes and like me. poor him. i told him not to do me any favors. if he wants a sex kitten then go for it and leave me alone.

rcon, i feel your pain believe me...

I got a couple of books on Verbal Abuse and one on Adult Bipolar - they have both been very helpful.

If he is manic he is railing on whoever is closest - which is us... I got to the point that i don't care what he says, he's the sick one and it's all LIES. Don't believe a word he says or feed into it. I now ignore it or walk away - there have been times it escalated and I should have called the police - don't ever be afraid to do that. You can tell them he is mentally ill so he may get hospitalized. That's what mine needs. It would be for his own good, he needs the right meds and diagnosis.

Is your SO on any meds? Is he in denial?

Remember they are miserable and try to make everyone else that way. walk away, don't give him the satisfaction. There is nothing we can do or say when they are manic. NOTHING. Except call for backup... or get away.

rcon

too bad you are *holding him back*

what a jerk!

mine tells me the Same thing

I too, am wondering If I will be able to just get over the things he has said and bounce back to loving wife

I understand being in the place you are

I am sorry you are being treated like crap

You don't deserve it!

You asked how do you continue to take his verbal abuse and not resent him for it?

You do NOT continue to take his verbal abuse!

Of course you are going to resent him for it

Hopefully you won't listen to his lies for so long that you start to believe it and are so beaten down that you won't get help for yourself

Speaking from someone who is right there all up in right now

It hurts

be strong, try to get stronger, that is what I am trying to do

You are not alone and can come to talk about it

he is on meds and in therapy. he just can't shake the rage.

I don't know how you guys deal with that crap. My BPSO is not a name caller, he can yell at me about money and how he hates where we live, and blames me for EVERYTHING, but he never calls names. He gets mean about how I parent or keep house...so I understand the Mean part and the rageing...it sucks.

The thing is, they may be BP but they don't call their boss' or a cop a pice of sh!t, a person can control themselfs, BP or not, when they need to.

My husband never flipped out at the hospital, he would walk out of the room if something happened he didn't like, he never started yelling at nurses.

I do resent my husband for what he does, I do get bitter, I think that is normal.

I have to try and reach a better place, by looking at what he has done to get better, that he is trying.

I gave him 6 months to get treatment of I was gone with the kids and he'd be living in his car...It really did turn him around and he brings it up once in a while and I even see him bite his toung and stop himself from freaking out on me about money or the kids.

Post edited by: michellefaith, at: 03/23/2011 09:55 AM

rcon,

They are dilusional when manic and are like a rattle snake that strikes out at the closest thing to them especially when we corner them asking what in the hell is wrong or pointing out the bizarre off the wall behavior. Does he always have this skewed view of what's attractive or is it only when in a manic episode. My BPSO literally switches a switch to where all the love and interaction disappears in an instance where I'm left feeling blindsided but after 11 years of this I'm prepared because I know it's gonna happen. I don't get so much verbal abuse or cutdown anymore partially because I live super responsibly these days so there is little she can blame on me that makes any sense at all.

For the last 6-9 mnths she has pretty much said it's her not me but that still doesn't explain behavior/thoughts/feelings that are miles outside the box. I'm already divorced and have been for almost 4 years but we have been trying to work it out over the last 4 years almost before the ink even dried on the divorce papers. I show restraint at first be then allow myself to get sucked back in with her pretty smile and promises that she'll try to work on it. Well, needless to say, there is little success when you take 2 baby steps forward to only retreat 5 giant steps backwards.

I've had to come to the reality that even with her taking 150% responsibility through therapy, meds, and all the counseling the world could offer I'd still only have a wife that was 50%. There is no trust left because 70% of my wife's manic episodes involve blatant infidelity so the betrayal is overwhelming to say the least and even worse with it continuing to happen. I wish I could twist, turn or screw the bolt in differently but unfortunately it will only go together one way. I can't take it anymore so therefore I'm moving on. It seriously kills me that I'm not there financially to leave today but I will be shortly. In the meantime I keep my distance and know there are sunny skies ahead.

rcon, we have to decide how much we can take.. we have to keep ourselves heathy before we can take care of someone else.

If you stand up to him does he get worse? Even dangerous? There may come a time that it isn't worth it anymore. Everyone has their breaking point. And I am pretty old fashioned about marriage - but I do think there is a limit to what we "put up with".

i have never called the cops on mine YET but I am getting stronger to where I think i could do it. He has been so intimidating. There have been times I really didn't care if he killed me - that's not a good place to be. Don't be afraid to get some help for yourself - I had to get therapy and meds for myself...

den, i feel that way too. i will never have a husband that is 100%. i'm not asking for 100% but i'm not even getting 20% right now.

behind, if he isn't raging then i do stand up for myself. if he is raging i just get out the way.

michelle, it is controlled raging. there are certain people he would NEVER go off on. he mostly mistreats women. i have come to learn that.

My SO would rage on me, then get a phone call and act all friendly... WTF???

So yeah some of this is CHOSEN behavior!!

He has been known to hit guys that didn't do their "work" right, he is a big guy so people don't intimidate him, he intimidates a lot of others.

(((rcon))) I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

We are so tuned in to the importance of listening to our spouses and trying to please them that even when we know they are "off" and just being inappropriate it makes it difficult to just detach and not let the words hurt.

I can't hardly do it...I get emotionally affected by the words he says....funny when it's a compliment I blow it off....when it's criticism I am like a beaten child.

It makes me feel very alone weak and with no safe place to turn.

I read something the other day about loving yourself.

About imagining that you are two people a small person or a child and a larger person like an adult. It talked about visualizing that larger person comforting the smaller one and even putting it in the lap, rocking and comforting it and letting it know that everything would be okay. Maybe the small person can even comfort the adult and say something like, " it's okay I know this isn't how you want things to be-it's not your fault"

Deciding how much we can handle and how much is too much is a difficult decision.

There are those times where to stay we know for a fact we are just subjecting ourselves to more of the same and then on the other end of that teeter totter we're looking at a disorder and trying to balance out how much compassion is it safe to have?

Very difficult questions to answer.

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 03/23/2011 11:00 AM

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 03/23/2011 11:01 AM