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03/13/2011 12:48 PM

He blocked off *his part of house* removed door

Lorriekay
Posts: 141
Member

So after being threatened to be dumped at night in a motel in Arizona or dumped at the airport, when we got back from our road trip I told him I wanted to leave with our son only to have a safe place where our son could stay in his school, we could have some physical space. He said Well I am NOT getting treatment so if that is what you are waiting for.. too bad. I told him well since you are telling me *This is who I am going to be from now on* ... that I just couldn't stand up to it any longer.

His reaction was to say don't leave . you stay on your side of the house, I'll stay on mine and we will do the *We are Separated* thing

He also said *If we do it right our son won't have to know*

I didn't really *agree* but decided to take him up on his offer of sending me and my son to Disneyland for two days. That gave me a break from him since things were Very Bad.

He also threatened to try to get 100 percent custody of our son IF I didn't agree to his idea that he get our sone exactly 3 1/2 days and I get our son 3 1/2 days.

He also said he would not help me financially in ANY way to get a place to go to.

If I stay physically in the house taking care of our son while he goes on his 5 upcoming out of the area business trips

I stay *mom* at home business as usual he will continue to financially support me

BUT in his idea we ARE INDEED SEPARATED

he told me by phone while I was at Disneyland we are separated Financially and No Sex

On the phone I felt the need to remind him we are Married and that it goes without saying that we are *still* married and I hope that doesn't mean he will try to find other women

He said *no I am not going to fuck anyone*

and I said *Good well that is one thing that will be a forever deal breaker . that is my boundary*

He says sarcastically *That is YOUR BOUNDARY??!! That is my boundary and if that happens,it's over*

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHILE I AM AT Disneyland

He changed the Door to the granny flat *his part of the house* and turned it into a WALL

He had the handyman remove the door and Drywall in the space so his area is completely blocked off. He moved his recliner into the garage

I came home and ALL the shit from the garage was in the backyard

The garage is open to and adjoining the granny flat and where his office is etc.

he says it's his Man Cave

and again we are separated

and says *Well this something we have been planning on doing!*

This way it's a Granny Flat in case ur parents need to stay here or whatever.

blah blah pretending he didn't totally cut himself off from me

Pretending I can't see it's his Fuck YOu (to me) manic bullshit

The one wall in the garage has Graffiti from teenagers (it has always been there from the previous owners)

The graffiti is from kids who put it there during their time spent here for a Christian Youth Ministry. The graffiti is kids name and Christ/God type grafiti

My husband told me *he was going to paint the wall* but God told him to leave it there (like it is)

In fact during this whole episode it has been a Revelation from God

Back in Dec God woke him up in his sleep at 2 AM telling him to write a book

then he never slept again and each morning at dark AM, 2 or 3 in the AM or perhaps 4 AM he would be writing chapters or entries of his life story.

finally getting to each of his family members and all the dysfunction

plus the chapter on his mother and her suicide

during ALL this he made ONE mention of ME saying he was *in fight or flight*

and *I'm not sure what my wife thinks of all this*

that is all he has wrote publicly on his social media sites

He hasn't mentioned his abusive behavior or psychotic behavior OR trying to kick me out

no mention of that

I wonder does GOD tell him to break up his marriage

As if he is doing anything for it Not to be over. he is doing everything for it to def be over

I told him that it seems like he WANTS to be divorced and that I am not sure he even wants to work it out out by his actions and him not wanting treatment

Last night I told him that I felt like besides GOD that I and our marriage should be his TOP priority

He said *Oh y0u think that, do you?*

He said I don't care about HIM

He said *YOU TOLD ME you wanted to Leave*

So we are separated now

I told him *Well You Kicked me OUT TWICE already*

I am just feeling like I need to leave because of your erratic behavior. This is NOT want I want.

He said *Fine, then we are even . I told you I was leaving and you told me you are leaving*

I haven't asked in detail what he means by we are financially separated

I assume that means he Changed the PIN number on our account so I can't clear it out

Which I would never do.. which I told him I wouldn't

which he told me he doesn't believe me

Really? This whole entire time (11 years) I have had NO access to our money or even known where it is or HOW to access it

about 2 weeks ago he said *that is going to change* and took me to the ATM and showed me the PIN number and even let me try the number.

I assume now that means he has changed the PIN number and back to me not knowing

So in reality this changes Nothing for me as it has Always been this way

I have never given him ANY reason for him not to trust me

I reminded him last night I have been a good wife to him. I reminded him last night that whole 11 years we have been together he has Always told me what a good wife I am and what a good mother I am.

I asked him was that not true? SOO??

Why is he doing this? Why does he hate me now?

He said it was true.

He can't see that I only want to leave physically to another place because of his verbal abuse

He thinks I don't LIKE HIM, hate him

It is SO sad because when I was at disneyland for 2 nights and 3 full days essentially because on way home I attended my grand daughters birthday party

while I was away I actually missed him

HIM.. not a fantasy person him. Of course the him that I once was married to him

It is hard because I can't honestly say I love him the way he is now or the way he is acting

He said on the phone while I was at D land

*I have been sick since DEC*

I said *yeah*

I had hope he would get treatment.

After the roadtrip out of state when he tried to dump me at a motel at a night (and divorce me, again)

my reaction after being beaten down emotionally after we got home I told him I was leaving

When I did that he decided he Wasn't going to get on meds

So I guess that is my fault too

I am beyond sad but not outwardly showing it

Today I got up and took my son to Burger King for breakfast for Cinni Minis, a Boy Toy LOL

We have since been finishing the last of his homework for independent study

He went on independent study for 7 school days and 11 days in a row including weekends so that we could go on the road trip

It was supposed to be we go to phoenix so he could do his legal work for his friends

After the *fight* at the roadside rest stop he Yelled

*We are NOT going to your parents*

The plan had been to go to my folks house in Tucson after we finished his work in Phoenix

So that didn't happen

AND there was NO WAY it COULD have happened.

as it was he BARELY got the work completed. Like 5 envelopes of documents prepared and discussed etc.

He was going going the whole time even to complete that.

He was crashed out in the RV when he was finished and he asked ME would I drive over and deliver the documents to his friends

The plan was to have the documents signed and notarized before we left but he just left the documents for them to do that and for them to mail them back

there just wasnt time

the plan to do all this (phoenix and the legal work AND go to my parents was just a manic idea of impossibility) (as it turns out)

Plus I think he has no plans of ever seeing my parents again

He hates me and instead twists it and says I hate him

If he just would take meds it's possible he could be Thinking differently within a few weeks

I don't know whether he just doesn't want to be controlled by ME because of asking him to take meds

whether he is afraid of the actual meds like he says. (the side effects, fear of being drugged and not being able to work)

Not wanting to accept his diagnosis or be labeled

And my latest thought is that he doesn't want a *record* of him having a psychiatric illness so that he can take my son from me or for him to have an advantage over me in custody or a divorce

I really am starting to believe that

Or he truly thinks his *talking* as in his *counseling* sessions will be enough to get him through this

See he has been like this before so he tells me before I was with him

Since he didn't get treatment he thinks he can get *through this* again

So I don't know WHY exactly he wont get treatment

Possibly all the above

but most likely it is just that he is MANIC severely and manic people don't listen, can't see and refuse treatment

maybe it is just that simple

It doesn't matter why

It doesn't matter what I want

He just says *I have NO EMPATHY*

He says *That's just Part Of my Thing*

His grown son agreed to attend one of his counseling sessions with him

Nothing new really came out just his son unleashed all his hate and resentment at his dad (my husband)

His son DID say he feels he has to Protect my husband by hiding his behavior from everyone

My husband said he just *took* everything his son said and what a *gift* he was giving to give his son a chance to say to his Face everything he has done. How much he has hurt him

i guess that is true

My husband said it is bullshit he is protecting HIM by hiding my husbands behavior . that he is Protecting HIMSELF because he is embarrassed by him.

that is prolly true.

The counselor asked his son *how do u feel about your Dad having trouble right now. How ur Dad is feeling*

His son said *Boo Fucking Hoo*

He is just like his Dad and has no empathy

My husband told me *Everyone who loves me can't stand to be around me right now*

Why OH Why won't he get some meds?

I am wondering if now is the time to reach out to HIS family and tell them what he is doing to ME

But his family esp his grown kids don't like me (well they like me) but are jealous of me and our son thinking Why the Hell does our dad deserve to be married again and have a son when he just fucked US up?

so I am not sure what the outcome would be of me reaching out to them

Other than to tell them that he is refusing treatment and threatening me to kick me out on my ear without my son

they *might* agree to take me in to one of their homes. He might agree to take meds if I physically move into one of his family member's home

Is this a good idea?

He does seem motivated to repair his relationships with his son and daughter

he is also actually quite connected to his son.

even though his son is so resentful his son wants to be connected and close to his Dad

they have had lunch with each other very regularly over the last year and have even shared a legal case together

They would for SURE , for positive be able to Relate and SEE and Understand what I am going through

I think they would take me in if I asked

BUT I don't know if it would backfire against me with him thinking I am *turning* against me

If I went to them it would be like I am leaving physically but not leaving YOU.. only for you to get help

I am not sure if this would help

If I move out and turn to my family I believe we would for sure get a divorce

There is a chance if I turn to HIS family he would be forced to see I WANT reconciliation but for him to get help

So far I have been protecting him and not telling anyone

I HAVE told my daughter and her husband

I have also told one set of our friends (they are friends with BOTH of US

WELL he *just* called on the phone and sounded happy

He said he went to church and was able to unload a lot of that crap about his mom and that he doesn't know how to explain it

I told him I like to hear him happy and that I truly want him to be happy

He said *I think I am getting there*

He said he is having a client meeting, and asked are getting closer to getting our son's homework done

I told him we are about an hours worth away from getting his homework done

he told me yesterday he was taking our son to the movies today (after we are done w his homework)

this is a long standing activity they do almost every weekend.

I over the years *sometimes* go With them, but often have stayed home using the time as *me time* getting a break from our son

because I was always with him (homeschooling)

So he says he will be home in the late afternoon and to take our son to the movies

I told him I wanted to come, too and asked would that be okay?

He said it would be PERFECT

so it sounds like he is ready to play nice at least for the moment

Of course he will turn in a second and is unpredictable

still untreated

still unwilling

still unstable

still accusing, turning my every sentence back on me

and LYING outright to MY FACE about ME.. to ME

as IF him SAYING it makes it true

him saying * I AM NOT going to have u drunk around our son*

this is the best he can do to rationalize his behavior

WOW fucking WOW

I have RARELY ever drank alcohol during our marriage. We would have bottles of liquor or wine in our pantry that just sit there for half a year or a whole year

stuff he bought btw.

He doesn't drink (that much except one when we go out to dinner) he doesn't drink that much either. He told me he knows he has the potential to become an alcoholic so he is afraid and stays away from it

Good at least for that!

bUT TO accuse me of it! Well I am 46 years old if I was going to be a drinker or a prescription drug user LIKE HIS MOTHER I would have already done it

Funny how he choose that accusation of me as his *fuel* to fight with me

His big defense to say something bad about me

WOW. WOW

I have been a homemaker daily day in and out for 11 years. Having One margarita occasionally when we go out to Mexican food and even then not everytime

like once a month or once every other month.

I did drink this past christmas at the christmas party at my daughters house.

ONE TIME ALL YEAR did I get tipsy

and boy did I get tipsy. because I have had weight loss surgery and it affects me fast.

HE HIMSELF was having shots of Patron alcohol WITH everyone else

Later he was SO angry at me saying I was drunk and was I having fun

I asked what is so wrong with loosening up ONE time a year at my daughters house AT a PARTY

When I am with my Husband who I know will not get drunk. no one driving

The next day I talked to my daughter and her husband and they couldn't believe he got mad at me and they said *Wow he was doing it, too*

He said I passed out

I reminded him *NO you TOLD me to lay down on the couch so I DID*

I reminded him if I was passed out I wouldn't *know* that he had TOLD me lie down on the sofa

He told me everyone was making fun of me

I asked my daughter about it the next day and she said *WOW.. everyone was having fun*

I think he is saying this stuff about me drinking to prepare to use against me.. for custody?

I am not sure WHY

other than he has NO Ammunition against me so he is paranoid about everything

Funny thing HE is the one buying and drinking more alcohol during his episode.

he usually doesn't but it is CLEAR he is self medicating

He also likes the *thought* of buying and drinking beer (over the years) he buys a six pack and it just SITS in the fridge) he just like the *idea* of having a cold one but doesn't really like the taste

I told this mutual couple friends of ours about his accusation of me drinking and he said (our friend and handyman)

REALLY? wasn't he just the other day Trying to get you drunk?

Not really drunk but a couple of months ago he was Trying to get me take Ambien because he knows it alters me and then it makes me uninhibited in bed .. with SEX

so he was having me take it (because I WAS having insomnia) even though he knew it was making me eat food without remembering AND making me be overly active sexually in bed with him everynight

He got MAD when I told him I wasn't going to take the Ambien anymore because of the side effects

When I went to MY doctor (at my doctors appointment) I told her I was having insomnia but that I could NOT take Ambien. I told her I about the reaction I was having to it

It was part of my husband's mania to want me to take the drug. and part of his mania when he got angry at me stopping it

He said

*GREAT .. this stuff makes my wife want to have the Best Sex I ever had and Great YOU WONT TAKE IT!"

That is when I knew he was out of his mind and truly not himself as in not in his right mind

a few days later when he knew I was seeing my doctor he finally relented and said . you have to ask for something else for sleep. you can't take that (as if it finally dawned on him)

I reminded him that he had got Angry when I decided not to take it

I was hoping it would help him SEE and realize his manic state. but it didnt

so I can't believe he has the Balls to say I am using alcohol and that I Pushing his buttons reminding him of his Mother.

His mom was a pill abuser, alcoholic and killed herself

I told him I am NOT your mom

he just says I know

but then keeps saying I am *presenting* as his mother and am triggering every response in him

Yeah.. blaming me for his psychotic behavior

Just HOW am I presenting? I had a Back Injury a Severe back strain removing the laundry from the washing machine. He was There when the injury occured and I cried out

I have degenerative joint disease. I have herniated discs in my neck and lower back. I have not had a bad back episode since the year 2000. I have had a few lesser episode but this one about 6 , 7 weeks ago was SEVERE

I couldn't move. I have had every bad symptom. sciatica pain radiating down my buttock legs. moved to my inner thigh whenever i make a movement to

bring my leg towards my body (adduction)

Then it moved (the shooting pains) to my mid back

Then my right arm was numb.

then it moved to my neck with shooting pains up the right side of my neck

all the while these symptoms moved over the weeks to different areas and the deep sore pain was constant

He took me to urgent care where I prescribed pain med and muscle relaxant

in 11 years I NEVER took pills unless prescribed and even then I do the OPPOSITE and always try to take less, to cut in half or whatever

SOOOOO the first night of my injury in excrutiating pain he filled my meds and came home and refused to let me take Both the vicodin AND the muscle relaxant stating he talked to the pharmacist yada yada then he spent the next week

arguing with me and controlling my meds telling me I don't know how to take them. I am not doing it right.

I am not obedient. Why don't I listen

That he Cant trust me to take them the right way.

That I am PUSHING every one of his buttons . so here I am with an Acute back injury and he chooses this time to have a raging manic episode

treat me like a total Asshole . Scream at me THIS close to my face for days on end with his face red and his veins bulging

this is the time he decides to get OCD and stuck on that one topic of *my pain pills*

REALLY ..

???

I am a Health professional

I KNOW how to take meds

I KNOW you take muscle relaxants (to relax the spasm) and pain med (to relieve the pain) the more pain u are in the more u tense up your muscles

In addition I began taking over the counter Motrin on my own

Oh YES, I made a decision on MY OWN because I happen to know something

I happen to know that for an acute back injury you take an anti inflammatory (NSAID)

and not only do u take it but you keep taking it for weeks to get the full effect

He yelled at me for that!

wELL I told him I know a thing or two. he said the dr didnt tell me to take motrin . i told him that was a drive by urgent care doctor and I have a license that gives me the knowledge to know to take an NSAID

PLUS Its my back and I have had these episodes before

I told him I am not Stupid

He told me *You act like it*

So because his mom was a pill abuser that became his topic to focus and blame me on

It is really amazing and so clear to see

the very things his MOM was is what he accuses ME of during his Manic state

Devil

do u think with his *mom* issues that for 11 years of us being together he would have had a problem with me abusing alcohol or pills by NOW .. certainly he would have called it to my attention by NOW.. if it were true?

he is truly crazy

when we went to palm spring aeral tramway (as part of his repentance to be a more involved father)

that he has been depriving our son of these types of activities for year

that he is a changed man (crying real tears)

Well when we were up there getting into the Tram Cube he says

See that man with the Jewish Cap

He is going to end up standing next to YOU

He is going to talk to YOU

etc. .. all these type of things where he *feels* and God tells him

and *You are going to think I am crazy But it isn't an accident that this or that has happended*

Or *don't you find it weird that this has happened?*

Constantly assigning meaning to everything that isn't there (psychotic features)

and Grandiose statements such as *I am a Missionary*

no you arent

I am a World Class Attorney

no u aren't

I am in the middle of a multi million dollar business that I am creating (solar energy)

no u arent

sorry that didn't work out

but u did get ripped off a couple thousand dollars during it

Plus huge spending spree (part of manic episode)

big screen t.v and TONS of other non stop spending

with me of course given the amounts he wants

And being VERY

gregarious and outgoing with strangers. going up and wanting to Pray for Everyone and having *words of knowlege* from God about them

getting them to tell all their troubles and then pray for them

Handing out money to everyone (like people he runs into, strangers.. he is Helping people)

part of his ministry

He bought a huge stack of $2 BILLs to hand out to people (like for tips) just to see their reaction or whatever

Just weird stuff

and Gambling (LOTS of lottery tickets. lots of scratch offs)

Like a million times more gambling than usual

Hyper sexual.. a man that has low sex drive suddenly wanting sex w me (the ambien thing) and even after that

Talking Vulgar (never done this before) as in sex vulgar and just in topics

in front of our son that he would never say before

Cussing a lot and freely F bombs in front of our son Now Suddenly saying it is bad , its just words

and not caring if our son hears it (well I DO)

and HE Always DID

Meanwhile he trying to read the scripture from the bible to us each morning

and saying something about He fucked her where the bible says he was *with her* or something like that

why is it necessary to say that. he is just trying to explain that it is okay to say bad words such as fuck because even fucking is in the bible where it mentions lots of times people having sex

well it is just shocking that my husband has to say that.

Total personality change where he is behaving not what he has always said he believed as his Christian faith

I know he is not himself

I am writing all this to document his specific behaviors and examples in case I forget

Besides venting I want to be able to give specific examples in case I ever need to defends myself

Ermm

I took pictures of his handiwork with the wall and his living space he has made for himself

too bad he has deleted most of his ranting telling me

*I am not going to leave a paper trail anymore*

Ermm

Reply

03/13/2011 01:10 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16982
VIP Member

Oh my!

03/13/2011 03:10 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16982
VIP Member

This sounds like something my husband would do with separating the house...

Also with saying this was always the plan....

I always feel like saying if it was always the plan at what point were you going to let me in on it?


03/13/2011 06:26 PM
gotvodka
gotvodka  
Posts: 95
Member

omg this sounds just like my husband when he was in his first mania. im so sorry you are going through this. its unbelievable how they turn into completley different people. Stay strong! Dont let the things he says get to you its just the mania talking.

03/13/2011 10:48 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13320
Group Leader

Holy S***.

This is scary.


03/13/2011 11:54 PM
desertdiva
desertdiva  
Posts: 43
Member

Ah crap Lorrie - I'm so sorry you're going through that. You know when I was reading your post I kept thinking I could have written a lot of that myself. My husband thinks he knows everything, doesn't need pyschotherapy (he calls it "psycho-babble"Wink, doesn't need meds, and that he is right and everyone else is wrong - including me.

Tonight he rambling on and on about how he could have had this, that, or the other - but it was his family's fault, court's fault, etc.. In other words not taking accountability of his past actions. I get so tired of hearing this same crap over and over.

Then he gets the guitar out and decides he's going to work on this song he's writing. Never mind the fact I'm watching 60 minutes. I have to listen to the same stupid chords over and over and I'm kicking myself for getting him the stupid guitar. He does know how to play pretty well but I get tired of him saying how he missed his calling, he can do this song better than so and so, etc...

I kind of feel guilty about "ragging" on my husband sometimes, but truth be told, he's not as great as he thinks he is. I guess it feels good to vent.

While my husband hasn't blocked off part of the house, he has this thing where if I say something even the least bit critical about him, he gets all huffy and storms back to the bedroom. It's okay for him to rant and rave about all my "flaws", but God forbid I call him on one of his.

I truly hope you can get some peace. I'm not going through near as much stuff as you are, but I know where you're coming from. Everyone on this forum should get a medal for what we put up withBlink

Blessings,

Leslie

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