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03/06/2011 12:12 PM

Rage- and the Blame Game

jet4me2fly
Posts: 2
New Member

I was wondering if anyone has a spouse who has issues with anger and rage and blames all their life's problems on you?

Yes, my wife has been on medication on and off for 10 years. No, she does not feel she needs regular therapy.

My wife is unable to regulate and control her emotions. She will take some small slight, or a perceived slight, blow it out of proportion, spin reality, and rage about it for days, weeks, or months at a time. Almost daily.

Of course most of the anger and rage is directed at me. I am the so called source of all her problems. I am on the receiving end of nothing more than emotional abuse.

I understand having a healthy relationship takes two people engaged in the relationship meeting each other's needs of love and connection, certainty, variety, significance, and growth and contribution.

I am at a point where I have exhausted all resources. I have given all I have to give. I have endlessly tried to help her but she is unable to take ownership of her issues and get the help she needs.

Post edited by: jet4me2fly, at: 03/06/2011 12:12 PM

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03/06/2011 12:24 PM
bigcasino75
Posts: 41
Member

I was there before when I was married. In the end I stode my ground and she walked out and later moved back to her country. You can only take so much till you have to stand up for yourself. My breaking point when I knew it was over was when she tried to chock me to death and I had scratch marks on my neck for 2 weeks. dont let it get to that if she dont want help you can not make her take it. free will is a bitch like that.

03/06/2011 12:31 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16953
VIP Member

I can relate to what you are going through with your wife.

I have had a very similar experience with my husband.

It has been exhausting and painful for me to deal with.


03/06/2011 12:36 PM
effie1959
 
Posts: 128
Member

I completely understand where you are at. My ex boyfriend would get mad at me for no reason , all delusional and out of the blues.

I walked on egg shells and he broke up with me, (one more time) January 2nd.

Since then, nothing. I am reading a lot , trying to cope with the loss. It is like a death. You never know what is the best: enduring their pain or being away from our partner.

We love them and it is so hard.

We never stayed apart as long as this time, so I guess this is it now.

Courage


03/06/2011 01:02 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13289
Group Leader

Oh the rages.

the total lack of sympathy

lack of honor

total lack of truth

intimacy

accountability

responsibility

that is so all about control

domination

manipulation

guilt

shame

the chains that bind.

creates a trauma bond.


03/06/2011 07:26 PM
michellefaith
michellefaith  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

Oh honey How I know the blame game, its nuts. Everything and anything is my fault...He hates where we live..my fault..hates his job...my fault. If he can't blame me he will blame my parents or the grand ol US of A. He blames the goverment and the coast guard for his first break down.

Makes me wonder if all his EX's that he blames for things really did the things he blames them for.

Its a painful place to be...my only hope is that he is so afraid of lossing me and the kids he is taking his meds..it helps but he still gets manic...I'll support him as long as he is getting treament.

Get a support system talk to your family and friends... have a plan.

I had to get firm with my husband to get help...no more walking on egg shells...get your shit straight or get the hell out!


03/06/2011 08:52 PM
jennifer63

Hi jet,

well the rage part of the illness sucks i think everyone here has gone through that, and it takes away your self esteem, you don't have to take that! even tho you feel you can't do anything about it, i know from my own experience, when my bp ex was raging at me and blaming me for everything, it was so hard not to let it get to me, but it did coz we are only human, so what i did was left the house when i could and went for a walk to get away from him, and just didn't talk to him, or aggravate him at all.

A couple of times i let fly at him, and let him have it, and once i actually scared him! lol, but that is not the answer, the only thing you can do is get your wife into hospital if you can, and they will make her stay on her meds, it's not a long term answer but at least you can get some peace even if it's only for a short while, to get your head around the situation. Jet they do your head in, and they don't like taking their meds because they like the euphoria that goes with the illness (assuming she has bipolar).

When they are high or psychotic, they have immense confidence, and use it negatively to take their shit out on you, so i hope you can get some peace you deserve it! walk away if you can even if it's just down the street until she has calmed down or has a mood change (which changes every 2 secs when they are high or psychotic) good luck and vent whenever you need too. This is a great site, and there are many compassionate ppl here going through the same thing xoxox


03/07/2011 12:32 AM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13289
Group Leader

Last night, a man was blaming me for something someone else did, and I said firmly, " That's bullshit." It felt good.

My XSO would rage. Blame. rage. Oh yeah...

When the police would show up, he could control himself.

This showed me that he was CHOOSING to abuse.

Post edited by: livinginablender, at: 03/07/2011 12:40 AM


03/07/2011 03:53 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16953
VIP Member

My husband is the same way.

I called his parents over a few times and he manifested right before my eyes.

One day he raged in the morning threw some things around ran he would run all the time even if it was just a few hours or for the day. I never knew if he was just never coming back by the look on his face.

I called his Mom. He was home by the time she called to check on him that time.

He said, "Oh yeah that was just going out for coffee."

I thought going out for coffee my ass.

And that is the reason why they just thought I made things up or had a willd imagination.

I would call crying telling them this and that he did it again,

He's yelling etc etc.

He would talk to them all calm.

He got all their sympathy with he is not happy with me his marriage sucks blah blah.

Oh the whole thing just pisses me off.


03/07/2011 06:38 AM
behindthemask

Until they want help, nothing changes. We can only say/do so much to help them "want" that help. Maybe it takes something drastic, like actually losing the family? Or that may just make them rage even more.

They want us to fill this empty void of misery in their heart that humans can never fill and we will mayb literally kill ourselves trying.

I've realized I have a choice how I respond, I will not rage back, it makes me sound childish. i will try to stay calm while trying to listen, usually from what I read, the rage stems frm their misery and abandonment issues, and they feel the need to control everyone around them.

There is a breaking point and in the end, you only have you, so take care of YOU first.

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