Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

I'm going to check on a job tonight. I feel vaguely optimistic about it. If it is good stuff I'm going to attempt to move out in the next week or so. The job will be three hours away so commuting isn't an option, I have a friend to stay with where the job is.

How do you go about up and moving out of the house, no longer a home, that you have been sharing? Am I supposed to just take what I need and leave the rest? Do I need to worry about trying to get everything I want out to make sure she doesn't do something stupid with it?

I have crazy anxiety issues about any big changes, so...

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU LEAVE.

It will be near impossible to get anything after that unless she let's you.

She may be civil about it but you never know. Things change fast when you aren't doing what they want you to.

I was married to my first husband for 22 years and when I found out he was having an affaird and had a child by this woman I left the house and all my belongings thinking that he would be civil. I lost almost everything. My childrens baby pics and old video tapes can never be replaces.

All the rules change when you move out, so take what you don't want to lose and then let the rest go. Soon you will have all new stuff!

You might just take a duffle with what you will need for your trip.

There maybe less of a chance of triggering any abandonment issues that way?

But like Sally says.....if there is anything really important to you it might not hurt to keep what she said in mind.

When you leave a marriage, possession becomes 9/10th of the law. Although, later in court, you may get some of your stuff and a fair split. No promises, because meanwhile she has access to it all. You cannot prove you lost what is no longer there to find. She can sell it, wreck it, hide it, claim it. I had to start over 100% because I left in the night with only some clothes. He did not care at all that I had nothing, and I could not get it out. I had rights, but they did me no good. He enjoyed that I was doing without. He made false promises. He bullied me. He said I had to get some stuff out on a particular day which happened to be our 2nd anniversary date, and when I came to get it, he was enraged and scary harassing. He said if I did not come that day, he would get rid of my son's baby pics (not his child) and all the momentos of my dead mother. I had to go. To lose that stuff would have devastated me. But, like I said, when I got there, he was completely abusive. If you think bp is bad now, wait til you are really gone! That is when the you know what hits the fan! All psychological weapons come out and the emotional abuse can blow your mind. Here is what I suggest. Make a list of what you really cannot accept losing. Pack it. Think it over. Then make a second list of what you feel is a fair split. Pack that away, into storage if you have to. Leave the rest. Change your address at the PO, and make your move. Kiss it all goodbye, because it will be gone. Once you are out of there, it will be over .. I wish you strength. Good luck with the job. Find peace.

My husband has left and come back so many times over the last three years that he has either lost, sold or given away most of his personal stuff. When he left this last time he took stuff the first day and then came back a second time and took the rest. He still has three pieces of furniture here.

I have known Since September that he was escalating (he was also pawning or selling anything in the house of value he could find). I started putting away anything that was important to me (and some that is VERY important to him when he is not manic)!

My house is almost empty of important personal possessions belonging to either of us. I am just protecting my interests either way. When he knocks on the door again I don't know what to expect. I am using the emptiness to fix some things around the house that need fixing and to repaint and reconfigure. I own our home, but he could try and get something out of it if he decides to divorce me.

What am I saying? Sad as it is, start protecting your personal possessions now - don't wait until it is too late.

My situation is different as we were not married. I moved out everything at once (I didn't have too much stuff either). I think that if you are ending this relationship, you should take everything you need. i d say everything. I know the anxiety of big changes - i had it a week ago, before i moved out. Now that i need to meet with my ex (tomorrow) bc i accidentally took his shirt and forgot my mittens that i love (they were a gift) over there. Meeting up to get back/return stuff is hard. Exchanging formal emails to arrange the meeting is draining. I think it would be much better to move out everything at once so that you don't attach yourself to her. The big changes are hard, but it may be even harder to get out of it at a slow rate - it makes you feel like you are out and abandoned, yet still not free. As if nothing is over. at least that s how i feel... Good luck to you!!!

I'm not trying to end the relationship, just put myself in a situation where I don't feel I'm being taken advantage of.

I hear you, LonelyHubby. I was going to leave the furniture he left out for him to pick up, but decided it might be awhile before I see him - whether he is coming home or coming for the furniture. So I put his furniture in a storage room.

I am scraping the walls and repainting in order to redecorate anyway.

It made me sad to see his desk as I came in the door every day. I found myself looking to see if it was still there or if he had come to take it as part of a nightly ritual.

Now I have refocused my energy on how the room will be re-done - while I wait.

You might need to end the relationship unless you are OK with your wife cheating on you. She isn't working on your relationship and says you are her best friend. That doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds more like an "arrangement" she is happy with. If you can deal with that then stay and play. If you aren't OK with that go and start a new life. She has layed the cards on the table, now you need to decide what hand you're going to play. Don't leave with the intention you are going to change her mind. You need to leave to make a better life for yourself. Best of luck.

I've just started reading "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. I'm interested in where that takes me. I've realized that the previous path I was trying to follow was just acting to enable her further.