Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

I am at another crossroads...in this same relationship with my bipolar girlfriend.

I have dealt with a lot already, and some may say haven't dealt with everything the best. But we are still together. We still have tried to overcome everything and move on. Despite the outrageous fights, suicide threats, etc..

Now there's an issue of trust and honesty. I need some sort of advice. Because I really don't know what is acceptable to deal with anymore. I have been in a relationship with this girl and I feel like it has skewed my views on what normal boundaries are in a relationship.

It goes like this. She has issues with trust. Not only that, but because of her impulsive bipolar behavior as she puts it..often times snoops through my computer. And I am talking everything. Most likely very often. E-mail, facebook, web history, caches..you name it.

She claims that it makes her feel secure to snoop and it is a compulsion thing. So we tried two things. We tried keeping things private on both ends. She didnt go into mine and i didnt go into her computer. We had passwords on them. Turns out she either found a way into it anyway, or she freaks out and demands we keep them open.

Ok fine. So it's open. I can deal with that...or so I thought because I really truly do nothing unfaithful towards her. However, to a bipolar person...everything is cause to panic and fight and freak out. I won't go into a lot of detail. But I am tired of having fights over dumb things because she snoops.

I also got tired of the snooping a while back and said,"know what, I am changing my passwords. You can browse through my history if it's open and i can do the same to you, but if you want to read my facebook message or e-mails then just ask. But no more snooping.'

Because I thought this was the respectful thing. Bipolar or not. I do have a right to privacy, trust and respect.

Thing is...she doesn't keeps things open with her for long. It is her who hides her browsing history. But demands she see mine.

It is her who demands we do not communicate with any Ex's. Which is totally fine by me. I have no desire to communicate with mine.

However, she has gone into my account and deleted people from my FB she felt threatened by. Then denied it.

SHE has on a few occasions searched for her ex's online.

SHE has sent a few messages to one ex in particular, the most recent of which was this last December.

And for the past few weeks everything was going fine until she brings up a conversation I have with a guy friend on FB. Then lies to me and tells me that she heard it from her friend. Which is not the case. She had KEPT one of my passwords without me knowing it...so she could go and snoop on me at whim.

She gives me no trust. Yet I do nothing to make her distrust me.

She demands honesty yet she herself lies to my face. To this day she won't tell me the real method of how she finds my passwords. She claims she watches me type. But I know she is lying. I am not stupid.

Is this deceitful and hypocritical behavior normal for bipolar and even if it is...am I expected to tolerate it??

I am extremely frustrated. Both with her and myself for staying in this situation as long as I have. I am not perfect. But I deserve trust. It wasn't ME who has cheated on every significant other. She has cheated on the majority of them.

Any suggestions??

Wow I really don't even know what to suggest to you.

I would be really annoyed with what you have described.

I do no think that behavior should be overlooked simply because a person has bipolar disorder.

Well I can tell you the trust issue is a tough one. I will admit I snoop on my bipolar spouse. I justify it because his choices are grossly affecting our marriage. I guess I could just quit snooping and divorce him, but I am not ready to do that.

Snooping is how I found out he got a $1200 title loan on his truck. He never paid anything on it and now they are threatening to repo it. He drove it out of town stating to friends that he is going to sell it and use the money (probably to gamble). I cannot imagine anyone would buy a vehicle without a title, but...

Suffice to say, this is going to affect me as his wife.

So I snoop...

Post edited by: MaggieLawrence, at: 02/01/2011 09:29 PM

It has been my expearence that people that do not trust are not worthy of trust themselves.

I had never snooped on anyone until my bipolar husband became manic and began to lie about everything. He also did things behind my back that were financially catastrophic for both of us. I began to snoop on him far too late, so he managed to cause us a lot of financial (and other) damage. He is gone, I don't live with him. If he were here I could never trust him again. He really is not trustworthy, It would be stupid and dangerous to trust him.

I don't snoop-I don't know why.

It's not an element of my personality.

her behavior is unacceptable. she needs to work on it. my bipolar husband does not snoop. distrust does go with bipolar but it needs to be addressed.

It sounds, Gregory, like it is unacceptable to you and that is all that really matters.

My ex had his comp etc on lockdown, but he was into mine all the time. I had nothing to hide, but he invented things out of nothing. He was very controlling, saying I cannot talk in FB at all because he believed it was a place to get sex partners??! Sure, but those kind of people exist everywhere. Did he really think so little of me?? Meanwhile, he would announce how his exes are all looking him up and he was gonna give me a taste of my own medicine??? What?? My own 70 year old sister was not able to talk to me in FB! My son! He said no to FB and that was that. In the end, weirdly, he set himself up an account in FB , marked himself as single, blocked me than announced I should get out he wanted a divorce. He used FB! Shows his paranoia. I hate mistrust. I will never again accept a relationship in which this lack of trust is the central issue. If the trust is not there, I also will not be there. It is insulting and I don't care what mental disorder a person has.

History usually will repeat itself barring miraculous intervention...

What she has done to her previous others? Will probably continue with you. Just saying.

I wouldn't put up with it personally. If I wasn't married I would be moving on I'm afraid to say. That may sound cold but at 40 yrs old, I don't have time for "changing" people - you can't do it. Impossible. Thay have to want to for themselves.

You deserve to be treated with respect, especially if that's part of your personality - and you will be much happier. Take your time, don't rush into a relationship thinking you can't do better... go with your gut.