Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

I am a twenty three year old woman with mild depression, and I am

in a very turbulent relationship with a twenty eight year old

man with bipolar disorder and HIV. I don't know where the truth

begins and the sadness ends. One thing is very clear, however.

It can't be healthy.

I fell for him about a year ago. He's very smart, and he is overall

very kind. He's creative, but over the past few years that has been

stifled by addiction and the termination of his previous relationship.

Before I started coming around he never got off the couch, never

had food in the fridge, and would let bills pile up until the water

and electric would get shut down, sometimes in the dead of winter.

He's come a long way in the past year, but is still unemplyed and

struggling to get control of his addiction.

He told me six months ago that he loved me, but was not in love

with me. I didn't take this well, and honestly I feel like my

own insecurites about possibly contracting HIV from him as well

as the devastation of rejection caused the current situation.

We tried for friends, which i did not want to do because I have

a hard time being friends with lovers until my own feelings for

them subside. Instead, we have been perpetuating a relationship I

can't help but deem toxic, as it has taken a toll on many aspects

of my personal and proffessional life. It's a cycle. That's the only

way I can explain it.

We reconcile. He says he loves me, we share the same intimacy

we did when we first got together, I feel secure and validated with

his affections for me.

Things start to get a little hazy. He gets agitated and irritable,

and I respond by giving him space, or allowing him to vent to me

about whatever is on his mind. He apologizes and says sorry,

it's just my head.

Things get worse. I start to feel rejection seeping back in, get

jealous of his ex who he still maintains contact with, whom he

mentions all the time. Or maybe I get suspiscious of whether

he is using again, or I start to feel taken advantage of because

he doesn't support himself or can't get around without me, but

I bottle it all up, because I don't want to feed his fear

of worthlessness. And as my frustrations grow, his moods

worsen.

Everything comes to a head. He tells me he is not in love with

me, doesn't want a relationship, hides behind his prior statements

of self-worthlessness and insanity to justify bad behavior,

(Bad behavior as in borrowing my car and going to sleep, stranding

me at work, or "not knowing what happened" to money he borrows

from me, or overreacting to something small) and then

usually cries or throws his hand through a wall.

after I succumb to the rejection and remove myself, he contacts me

with veiled threats of suicide and poems about hopelessness.

He explains that he never ever wanted to hurt me, whether

it be giving me HIV or subjecting me to his anger and sadness.

At this point I miss him. And I mean him, the smart, caring, funny

and creative blue eyed man I fell in love with. So I usually

return to a tearful reconciliation where he apologizes and self

depricates far past the point of humbling, and then it starts

all over again.

I love this man very much. And point blank, I need help either

ending the cycle or learning how to deal with the disorders, because

as is, this is not working. He refuses to get on medication to deal

with his depression, saying that it either doesn't work at all or just

fuels suicidal thoughts. I need some clarity here. Am I trying to force

a situation that will never work? Am I being used or taken advantage of?

Or is his behavior dircetly linked to his bipolar disorder, with my own

neurosis and behavior acting as a catalyst? I want to be with him.

I want to make it work. What do I do?

I've got to be honest with you and tell you I really think you're putting yourself at risk being in a romantic relationship with this man.

Did he tell you he had HIV before you got involved?

Have you been tested yourself?

I think he deserves to be loved and cared for but with the way he is hot and cold with you I think I would take the opportunity to distance myself from him.

With the HIV I wouldn't want him to feel abandoned either but as far as my life goes I would move on.

What is his prognosis?

Start planning for your future now you are very young and this man will most likely not be here for the duration if your life.

This story is very sad but I want to see you choose life.

Support him however you can without hurting yourself.

I think you need to get the strength to let go. You are going to lose him either through HIV or his mental illness. A person who is mentally ill and refuses medication, is not relationship material. You are beating a dead horse, and besides he already said he did not love you. I think this is a sinking ship. Let go.

Shadyegrove, you HAVE to think of yourself here! Is this ONE person really worth all this?

There is no easy decisions here. You will have to decide if this person is worth losing your life over cause that is a possibility you HAVE to address before you move forward!

Also, he has said he does not love you, now is this person still worth dying for even if you doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved?

You are the only one that can decide all that, but I can tell you I would not want to be in your shoes at all.

I wish I had better advise. (((hugs)))

shadygrove- do you have a therapist? you need some one-on-one help. there are support groups i'm going to be very straight with you. get out now! he has already told he doesn't love you. don't you deserve to be loved. i think you may be on the path of self destruction. you are in a relationship with a bipolar, hiv positive, addict that doesn't love you. do you even use protection when you are intimate? i worry that you don't. find the strength to let go and the courage to love yourself.

Find an alcoholics anonymous group and join. They could help you break the cycle. This is an addiction, just like this man's addiction to drugs. You are not responsible for his bipolar. You are not a catalyst for his actions. HE is responsible for his actions and feelings, not you. The only thing you are doing wrong is enabling his behavior and accepting his abuse. He behaves this way because of his drug use and his bipolar. He is buying drugs with your money, not losing it. He is using you. Nothing you do, or stop doing, will change him. He has to change himself and as he has told you, he will not change. He does not want medications, but meds are what it will take for him to get better. You have to let go of your addiction. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves and he will only drag you down with him. Good luck to you, I know you are in a very difficult place.