Sometimes when Im feeling lonely..or when I feel the need to torture myself a little bit more, I'll imagine him here with me. I picture him laying asleep next to me...or standing in front of me with that look that says "ok..what are we going to do now?" And I get rushes of the old feelings back. The bad feelings. Theres nothing worse than having him stare at me like that and then I think "oh crap..i gotta think of something fun to do right now before he gets bored and flys off the handle"..or.."he's got a strange look on his face..I wonder what hes thinking about. I wonder if they're normal thoughts or if maybe he's thinking about how much he wants to leave" Its called walking on eggshells, I know. I have pictures on my phone of him sitting at the computer desk with a strange look on his face..and instantly its like a trigger to look at the picture. What was he thinking when I took that? He doesnt look happy..I wonder if he wished he were somewhere else..or doing something better. Its good to not have to worry like that anymore. I think I have ptsd from all of it. I wont even put my clothes back in the closet because it triggers me. I had to clean alllll 150+ shirts of mine out of MY closet because he was using it for something. Anyway...It took everything in me to even put a duffle bag in that closet the other day. I dont even like to go near it. |
