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11/17/2010 07:01 AM

Do I have Fool written on my forehead??

Rollercoaster2969
Posts: 250
Member

Recap: Husband moved out in July. Begging to come home, I said "No", I have had enough. So he went to the extreme for me, Counseling, got on meds for Bipolar II.

Has been doing everything in his power to make this marriage work. Tells counselor I am the best thing he has ever had or will get, and he loves me with all his heart, and will not want to live without me..

Counselor/Us have discussed his affair 5 years ago, and he hopes I will get past it. Says he made a huge mistake, but thinks it has been long enough, and I should be over it.. Can't keep holding it over his head..Need to let it go so him and I can heal...Need to learn to trust him again..etc...

Just found out that he STILL has been having an affair with the woman! Even as we are in counseling! Sitting in the counselor's office, spilling his guts of his sorrow for the affair, and wanting to do whatever it takes to make him and I be "Forever married"!

It's not full time for sure because he is here all the time. He just says they never stopped talking to her, but I, being the selfish sneak that I am, looked at his journal for the 1st time, and saw talk about her and that is how I found out.

Says he still thinks about her and me, needs to make a choice, she understands him and he can say ANYTHING to her without fear of her getting upset. Said in one entry "Talked to "OW " today. Think about her some days and than my wife some days. Didn't tell "OW " that my wife and I have been physical, but I think it is just sex between us. [b](who is he talking about here? Sex with her or me???)

Now he claims he just had to see her to make sure that he had closure on it all so he could truly heal our marriage.. Whatever.. I wrote her this for email but haven't sent it yet. Should I? Her and I had big run ins 4-5 yrs ago, and I thought it was over! I am a frickin idiot! email below:

"I have eliminated myself as a choice. He's all yours. Just take him now so he leaves me alone. You would be doing me a huge favor. You two are both selfish with messed up morals, so you should be good together.

Time for you to enjoy the full "husband" that I have tolerated for 20 years. Enjoy!

Have a nice time in hell where you and your kind belong."

Post edited by: Rollercoaster2969, at: 11/17/2010 07:03 AM

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11/17/2010 07:10 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16963
VIP Member

I totally understand how you feel.

I have even felt the same way regarding some of my husband's male friends.

Let them become the focus of husband's rage. Let him take advantage of them. Share finances and living space with him and then see how much you want to feel the love and support the behavior.

I get it.


11/17/2010 07:23 AM
rch
Posts: 2639
Senior Member

Read that post living bumped about *being with a loser part 1 and 2* before you make any decisions to send anything to anyone.

11/17/2010 07:29 AM
fradeycat
 
Posts: 214
Member

What a great post!

I'm new here and feel very much the same way you do.

Everyone who thinks I am the crazy one about constantly claiming my husband is mentally ill can take him and put up with him. Let me know how it all makes out.


11/17/2010 08:41 AM
Rollercoaster2969
Posts: 250
Member

What I want to know is, What is wrong with me?? Why do I believe so fully when he tells me he wants to make things work and he loves me?

Do I have some significant piece of wiring missing in my brain?

If he has been carrying on with her all these years, than he obviously has great feelings for her and will never be faithful to me.

So what the H$#$ is my problem? I am the one who needs to be shot, not him and her. They are having a grand old time while I sit and suffer and work on this "marriage".

Constantly standing by his side, helping him to feel better, helping him in counseling, helping him when he needs me, wherever and whenever.

I am a moron.


11/17/2010 08:51 AM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3933
VIP Member

I hear you Roller, they want it all don't they. When my husband went outside of our marriage, I often thought how the OW would feel if she had to deal with all of the reality with our husbands. They pretty much get the manic one that spends $ they don't have and are totally different of who they really are. The OW never see the REAL person and usually don't know about the spouse waiting at home. Or they get fed BS that we just don't understand them like they do.

Do what you feel is right in your heart, I have been there and sometimes you just can't stop yourself!

Hopeful


11/17/2010 09:15 AM
Rollercoaster2969
Posts: 250
Member

Thanks Hope. I truly feel like I have no choice in this anymore. I HAVE to end this marriage even if it breaks my heart and it's not what I want. It has been chosen for me.

It really sucks that another human being can make such life altering decisions for me and my children. It's all about him apparently and I just need to get on board and realize that. I need to change my "Love, forgive and hang in there" attitude that I always thought was a gift that I had. I have no choice but to give up on something that I put my whole heart in, til death do us part, for better for worse.

I now wish I was as selfish and uncaring as so many people these days seem. Than I wouldn't care and wouldn't be fighting a losing battle.

Is it a gift to have compassion, love, forgiveness, understanding, Hope in all things? No-I have learned that it's a curse... :O(


11/17/2010 09:36 AM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13305
Group Leader

My compassion for people can be my greatest weakness.

Sadly, there are those who have taken advantage .

I think they see that compassion in me, and take until there is none left. It is not a curse, as it will NEVER happen again. Thanks for the lesson ..


11/17/2010 09:56 AM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3933
VIP Member

Roller, sometimes it feels like a curse, looks like a curse, but it is still a gift that too many are lacking. If you weren't so, you wouldn't be you, and that would be a curse Smile

There is nothing wrong with loving and standing by someone who is ill, but sometimes we need to do that away from them and just in our prayers. I read that we are their mirrors and thats why they get so angry looking at us. I also feel that we are their mirrors whom are standing in front of a mirror, and when we step aside, they still have to look into a mirror, but at least they don't see us there, so they have to look at themselves. Some do and some don't.

It takes a strong person to stay, but sometimes it shows greater strength to walk away, in order to heal.

Hopeful


11/17/2010 10:03 AM
karmarama
Posts: 9
New Member

It is NOT a curse to have compassion, love and forgiveness.

And I'm sure your children are grateful for it.

If your husband of many years is taking advantage of you it has nothing to do with you, and it's not because you're doing something wrong but because he is mentally ill!

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