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11/08/2010 08:22 PM

How long time to get over your ex......

mem2514

Most know I was married for almost 25 years and recently had a friendship relationship for a few weeks. In either case I have a difficult time distiguishing shedding tears over "loosing an ex" versus "loosing the life that I imagined having with the ex".

I cry over the fact that I gave so much of my heart in return for dreams that never came true.

I was fortunate to spend so many years with my wife that giving my heart to her allowed many of the dreams to come true...yet my dreams ended before its time.

With my new friend I found myself in grief not because I probably wont see her again, but because for a brief momment I gave my full heart and I let my romantic imagination get the best of me thinking about the life that could of been. I imagined the world I could have shown her, places to see, stories to share, and finding a potential partner to grow old together. The life that could have been...and never was. That is what I shed tears about.

I undoubtadely am going to have a difficult time in new relationships...always dreaming about the future of a life that only existed in my dreams and thoughts.

sadsad

Post edited by: sadsadhubby, at: 11/08/2010 08:24 PM

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11/08/2010 09:53 PM
rch
Posts: 2639
Senior Member

sadsad

Here are some honest thoughts:

I think you need to stop trying to make any one else, or any idea of anyone else, fit into a picture you have in your head. I think maybe with the friend, you went way too fast, even in your own thoughts? The idea that you were falling in love so fast, and that she has somehow been unkind or unforgiving or bitter? seems like an over reaction .. and maybe those feelings are best tacked on to your ex wife. I think the friend was probably simply not as into the thing as you hoped, but these things also take time. It might have scared her that you had this intensity. It sounds like it was just way too fast.

It is normal to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. You lost those. But do not throw the baby out with the bath water. You had those positive years and that excellent son.

Grief takes time. But it is not permanent. And I guess, there is never any guarantee that anything can last forever. Maybe we are meant to take the lesson and move forward. Maybe, we are not meant to have romantic forever happily ever after in every case. But, the only the lesson that the relationship offers?

I hope you can consider these thoughts and not feel offended. Just my thoughts ..


11/08/2010 10:58 PM
mem2514

Offended? Hell no, what you say is what most of my friends told me when I was moving at the speed of light. I am so impatient to get over this as quickly as possible that I have to make sure I don't make a mistake and end up with a not so good person.

You only confirm what others say...and I am just going to have to stop dreaming, wishing, and come down to earth and slow it down. Remember my slow down puppy...I just didn't listen to others as I should have.

thanks

sadsad


11/08/2010 11:27 PM
Lena
LenaPosts: 578
Member

I think it were not normal if you weren't grieving the loss of your marriage and all the things that could have been. I am "more worried" when people just forget their former life and fall in love with someone else "far too soon".

My now-ex-husband has been gone over 2 years now and I am not over it ... I am not grieving all the time any more the same way I used to. I am accepting things, but I don't feel I am ready for a new relationship. I hope that I don't need to spend the rest of my life alone, but I am not looking for anyone. I hope there is a destiny and what is meant to be will be.

Take the time to get to know yourself better, your are worth it.

Post edited by: Lena, at: 11/08/2010 11:38 PM


11/08/2010 11:31 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13285
Group Leader

This guy, freaked me out. He was intense.

He touched my hair. Within 5 minutes of meeting. Did not ask to. Just touched it. NEXT: he was making plans to give me paint. Yeah, five gallons of paint for my house. He was planing to give me his blackberry as he was getting a new cell phone in a few weeks.

This freaked me out, I did not know him like that.

Intense.


11/09/2010 08:58 AM
Sally84
Sally84  
Posts: 1118
Member

WOW, that's strange, he touched your hair???? I have a very large personal space so the touching of the hair would have been a total turn off to me too! Well you went, had an "interesting" time and got away! NEXT! Smile

11/09/2010 09:11 AM
blonde0337
blonde0337Posts: 600
Member

Lol living...I went on a first date like this once. He made SO many plans for us in the 1 hour we spent having coffee, I ran like hell in the opposite direction when that date was over.

I wouldnt do that again.

And sadsad..I do the same thing you do! When I start to like someone else I draw this huge picture in my head of how the future will be with this person. I picture myself living in their apartment..travelling together..holidays together..even fighting with each other. And then when it all comes crashing down because the other person isnt interested it hurts 500x more because you've already gone through the scenarios in your head. Im so bad for that...


11/09/2010 11:24 AM
sallyo
sallyoPosts: 3681
Senior Member

sadsad: Give a new relationship more time; you're still in mourning over the loss of your long marriage. Be careful about getting into a rebound situation and moving on before you're ready. Patience, my friend. You'll get there.

11/10/2010 04:50 PM
lovelaura
lovelauraPosts: 256
Member

I think it will take a long time for us to process the way our relationships ended. It isn't normal. There is not a deterioration of the relationship...one day it is there...and the next day aliens basically abducted our loved one. How do you get over that?? How do you process that??

It is just going to be a grieving process that wont be normal. Our ex's are not dead. They are out there...and we still have one eye open worrying about them. The other eye trying to focus on our "new " future. And it is very very heartbreaking to have a relationship disolve into the air like that.

There is not going to be an easy way out of this hole. Just time unfortunately...and finding some way to make sense of this all.

Hang in there though...you will meet a special person when the time is right and you will know it.


11/10/2010 07:20 PM
Mary2009
Mary2009  
Posts: 685
Member

Lovelaura, you are so right. I really do have one eye still open with worry for my ex. I'm hoping time will lessen that. He is no longer my first thought upon waking but he's often in my thoughts throughout the day.

Well said, Evangeline. It's hard and it's painful but we really do have to provide our own closure. I believe being on this site is part of my closure.

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