Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

One minute he's telling me he might have to drop a class because he has been missing so much school, the next he's saying he's been better lately and not as bad (aggression-wise) as he used to be, I told him that he had been doing more stuff than he must remember and when I reminded him, big mistake, he said it was because of what I did/said that made him call me a bitch and in turn I would start to leave and he had to break something. I asked him to tell me what I said that caused him to call me a bitch and he couldn't think of anything, got rageful and swiped a glass glass at me, shattered it, and then proceeded to tip over my cedar chest full of treasures with more breakable items on top all over the living room.

He is now saying he wants a divorce (again) and laughing, telling me how good it felt. He said right after he did it "go to your mother's". I told him I'm not going, this is my home. Now he is going to make things impossible for me to stay.

What should I do? Should I go to prevent anything else from happening? If I go, that's no guarantee that he won't destroy the house. I guess if I stay, I'm going to have to try and deal with this better, not say things that provoke him. I know he is off the deep end on this, what I'm saying to him shouldn't provoke him. But any little thing does. I just can't sit by and let him tell me that what I say warrants him reacting in an over the top rageful way. Why can't I just say/do the right things so that he doesn't do this? I know he is not stable. He was doing really well today, too. We even went for a walk today and he just got done playing his guitar, which relaxes him normally. I'm just not cut out for this crap. I can't deal with it. He is hair trigger ready to fire at any time. Even when he seems pretty decent. I just don't know what to do. He is basically making it impossible for me to stay in this marraige.

Sounds exactly like my boyfriend. Instead of smashing things my boyfriend would rip up his clothes. Last week he ripped up every piece of clothing he owned in a rage that came out of nowhere.

I think you should ask him to leave and tell him to come back when he wants to apologize. Stand you ground and dont leave..unless you think he might get violent with you.

Doesnt it piss you right off when they LAUGH. UGHHHH. Mine does the same thing when he hollers at me and tells me he doesnt want to be with me.

I feel for you here...its a tough situation. If you go, dont come back until he apologizes.

If it were me, and it has been.....

I would call 911.

This is called disorderly conduct.

I would have him removed.

My ceder chest....is the most important thing that i have in this world.

HE KNOWS THIS.

One could NEVER separate me from my cedar chest. EVER.

I would not tell him I was calling.

That would not be safe at all.

Make him leave.

Get a TRO

Post edited by: livinginablender, at: 10/22/2010 01:52 PM

that is abuse. your reaction *why can't i say the right things* is a battered wife's response.

you are not to blame. you are NOT to blame.

I know I'm not to blame, that's why when I try to say how I feel and find out (from someone with an irrational mind) what it is in his mind that I'm saying that is so horrible and bitchy and he can't come up with anything he gets in a rage.

I had to take my older daughter to meet her dad for the weekend. When I came back, he told me he got rid of his cannibus in the basement. He was impressed that I didn't call the cops on him for this(I did in the past, once) and he understood what I was bearing all of this time, knowing that he had it and I never said anything. I took Angel's advice and wrote my feelings in a letter using some of the ideas she gave me and he responded in a way I really didn't expect. He showed me that he was getting rid of it, said he wanted his family to be "one", and is currently singing Christmas songs to our daughter and playing his guitar.

Also, (this is key) he only smoked 3 cigarettes today and was in dire need of one when the incident happened. I know this doesn't explain away his behavior, but it explains it because it's happened before, lots of times. I gave him his cigarettes before I left and like magic, he has turned into a human being again. He can never verbalize that if he doesn't have a cigarette in the next 2 minutes he is going to go over the edge, and I don't even think of it, I don't smoke. He previously told me to hang on to his cigs so he wouldn't smoke them all up in an hour, that's why I had them.

I am totally aware that this is abuse. I know I am living with it and you think I'm wrong to say that I say the wrong things. But I do challenge him in ways that a normal man would not take offense to but because he has this disorder, he does. I am wrong to expect an answer from an irrational person. He is obviously at a primitive level of thinking when he can laugh and say how good it felt to dump over my cedar chest. I need to either learn to deal with this better to save myself, pray that he starts to take better care of himself so he manages his bp better, or fuckin' leave.

IF YOU would have just been quiet and left me alone."

" IF YOU had not told me what to do.":

" IF YOU had let me....blablablanbla"

AND: AMEN to this:

"I have a mental illness.I'm not responsible for the things I say and do."

WRONG.If someone has a mental illness they ARE responsible to do whatever it takes to treat that.To take their medications.Not abuse substances.Stay in therapy for as long as it takes.Many people have mental illnesses and never choose to abuse another person.They are SEPARATE issue.Mental illness may exacerbate abuse but it does not cause or excuse it.

I understand. I totally get what you're saying. But that is not my reality. I can't remind him to smoke when he needs to so he doesn't go abusive on me. I can't make him tell the dr. how he REALLY behaves and that his meds aren't working. I can't control anything except what I do. I am so ANGRY right now, I apologize. I just feel like I'm living in a nightmare right now. Did this just happen? I'm wondering because he's sitting with our daughter, calmly eating dinner and she's giggling. He's telling me he wants to be "one" as a family when he just got done telling me, what, an hour ago, that he wanted a divorce. It seems like, at this point, there is no way he could ever separate the abuse from the mental illness. I can, but what good does that do me? My reality is this life, the way it is right now. And right now, he is abusive at times. From the sound of it, most of the people who tell their stories on this site are being or have been abused in one way or another by thier bpSO. It really just seems to be part of the MI because it happens to almost everyone. That doesn't excuse it, but the brain isn't right, the impulse control isn't there, the brain stem is in control. It's part of the MI as far as I'm concerned because the chemistry is fucked up. I don't deserve the treatment, but I'm also like a caregiver. I need to give the care that helps, not the challenges that tip the scales for him. He's not normal, never will be. I have to accept that until his meds are right, he gets a good dr., (the list goes on and on) he will not be acting like a normal person. I pray that he will choose to do the right things. I have seen him "normal". And I continue to see him as a man who loves his family and wants to keep it intact.

I have never been the kind of person to take shit from anyone. And now I find myself in the position of having to grow up, see the situation for what it is, and do what I can to help him know the boudaries and stay within them. Most of the time I'd like to tell him to go to hell, but that is not making my life or the life of my daughters better. It exacerbates the situation. It's so complex. I can't explain why I stay to anyone. It doesn't seem like the right thing to do, but to me, I guess it is because I'm doing it.

Also, I know that if I were to call the cops on him, they would put him somewhere for 72 hours he'd play the game and get out worse than when he went in. He'd never forget that I did that. It would equal an automatic divorce. Does this sound a little crazy? I'm kind of second guessing myself right now.

I'm ok now. He's calm and I think I will be able to deal with this now. Thanks for the crisis intervention.

I know what you are going through and I am sorry you have to experience this. I have been there. I agree that it does come along with the illness.

I also know that they can change and learn to control it. My hubby and I have had a couple of fights that turned physical many years ago. The police did come to our door and I wish I had known about the bp back then cause it might have saved him jail time and a criminal record. We spent a long time dealing with his record and finally had it expunged, it was a mess. In a way the times the police came where a good thing, it got us to the point that he no longer gets violent, when he starts to feel that way he leaves and I know to back off and let him go. We have not had any physical stuff in a long time, like 13 years. Not that I condone anyone being abused, I am just saying I know how you feel and letting you know you are not the only one to stay and put up with it.

Hugs to you, I hope things get better!

Thank you broken, I appreciate your input. The whole cop thing and getting a record is what I'm trying to avoid. I don't think the cops around here give a damn if you're MI or not. I've dealt with them in the past.

Thanks for the hug! Back at ya.