Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

I've been off and on with my bipolar girlfriend for 3.5 years. She is so damn charming that she convinced me (a once straight woman) to fall in love with her. We've been lovers and also best friends, but she comes and goes. She's been emotionally abusive a majority of our relationship, but she says she loves me because I'm the only one who truly knows her and who puts up "with her s**t". This is true. Back in Jan. of this year she tricked me into visiting her and that there would be NO men with her. I drove from Arizona (I was on vacation) to LA to see her, and yes, there was a man. She ended up having sex with him knowing how it tore me up. She promised she'd drive to San Diego to see me the next week, apologized, then sent me a text that she was busy with a client. I never heard from her for 6 months. Recently this July she contacted me because her boyfriend was in jail and she missed me. We became closer than we'd ever been. I'd drive from San Diego to LA every single weekend to see her. She'd become my best friend. When her boyfriend mentally abused her, I was there. I helped her financially. Everyone said she was using me, but I didnt' feel used because we were so close. When I'd get upset, she validated my feelings and acted like a true friend. She did my laundry and took care of me while I was sick. She had the boyfriend, but she also had me. But I was the stable staple in her life, and no matter what, wanted to keep the friendship. Last Wed. she said she went off her meds because they were making her fat and tired (not true. These were the words of her abusive boyfriend). Saturday I went to see her and she was cold. She told me I'd invited myself up, that she loved her boyfriend only and that I needed to deal with it; that I was rude and crossed HER boundaries, and asked me to leave. It was cold. I reacted hurt and she said it wasn't her problem. She wouldn't answer the phone and said she'd call me when SHE felt like it. It was completely opposite to all summer when she swore she'd never disrepect me again, that I was her best friend, etc. She texted me our friendship is over forver because I blew it. Then she texted she'd call, but never has. It's been 4 days and I'm afraid it'll turn into 6 months. This happened to fall 4 days after I'd helped her pay her rent & get her a job; however, I'd helped her earlier this summer and she was still sweet and loving. She's told me I'm the only person who "gets" her and that she loves me; now she's telling me I blew it and she's gone. I'm sick inside. She won't respond to my texts or my calls. What do I do? I'm dying inside. I am codependent as hell and am out of control inside. I feel like I'm dying. It really felt real what we'd shared all up until last week. She CONSISTENTLY validated me feelings; her actions matched her words; she was there! She told her mom and others how close we were and how amazing our friendship was.....and now it's gone????

Post edited by: reina4df, at: 10/21/2010 01:29 PM

bipolar behaviour .. this is how it goes. I am sad for you. It is gone for her. Even if it comes back some day. But can you sit around waiting for that? I advise you to heal. To let go. To stop making yourself subject to her illness.

(hugs) to you, 'cause you need them.

reina4df, I am so sorry you're going thru this. I know it's very, very tough. First of all, welcome to the board!! I'm so glad you found this place to vent.

I would start by saying that when my husband secretly went off his meds, he had his worst mania followed by his worst depression ever. And that may be what's going on with her. I can't tell you if she was using you or not. I hope not. That will be up to you to decide.

I think I would just take some time to decide if this is right for me. If you want to try and work thru the relationship at some point, she will have to be willing to go back on her meds.

Try and take some time for yourself and enjoy life. Don't isolate yourself and stay home. Do some things that are fun. Try and take your mind off of things and try not to think about it all the time. Once you've had a little time, you may be able to gain perspective. Then you can make a decision. I just wouldn't rush back into anything.

HUGS!!

(((((((((((((reina)))))))))))))

So much heart ache. We are here for you.

BTW... I am from the 619, and my Chargers are a real disappointment this year.

Welcome to the group.

Honestly, It may be months before you hear from her...because she is in quite an episode.

In the meantime you need to concentrate on yourself...and i see you acknowledge you are codependant. Tackle that issue while you wait. The person having that episode is not the person that you know...so contacting her is not useful. She isn't in there right now.

Right now, take care of yourself. Do things that you know you like to do...or always wanted to try...and cry of course....you are somewhere in that dark hole...i know it is hard to find yourself in that place. Just take your time...and love yourself.

Thank you. :]

Thank you so much for your support. I am codependent as hell and am blaming myself for everything! One of the things I need advice on is this.....I/we both have MAJOR abandonment issues. We've had two arguments about it over the summer and she SWORE she woudn't leave me; that she cares about my feelings; and that her old behavior is not her anymore. The last time she told me that was 10 days ago. She was apologetic all summer and owned her own problems while still listening to me and forgiving me for my part in it. Last Saturday we had the same argument. She told me she loved her boyfriend, not me, and to deal with it! She told me she'd die happy if he killed her and laughed. She told me she'd done nothing wrong to me and that if I had an issue, it was MY problem. She asked me to leave her house; she told me I was actually uninvited to begin with. I said mean things & she said them back. It's been 6 days. I've apologized over the phone & texts, but she won't talk to me. She owes me $. I feel so hurt and so used. What is real? The woman I loved all summer who promised she was my best friend, or the woman who's showing me I mean NOTHING to her. Please help me because I'm confused, scared, sad, and feel used and dumped.

reina

none of it is really her .. since she is mentally ill .. her illness is in charge .. but the thing is .. can you take it? should you even? it sounds gruelling ..

" We've had two arguments about it over the summer and she SWORE she woudn't leave me; that she cares about my feelings; and that her old behavior is not her anymore." One thing I need to say about that statement is...it doesnt matter if your spouse has bipolar or not. Nobody can promise you those things. Trust me I have learned my lesson with past boyfriends, and after awhile you learn that you can't expect people to say that to you and mean it. People change, situations change, and feeling change.

Reina, I think you set yourself up for heartbreak being involved with a girl that is dating you, PLUS a guy. I think she's having her cake and eating it too. Dont you want to be with someone that gives all their love to you? If I were you I would have told her to get rid of the guy if she wanted to be with me.

But now that she's gone I think you should give her space...no more contact and maybe try to work on your co-dependency.

I hope this message didn't sound harsh in any way. I just want the best for you!

reina

I agree with blonde on this one.