Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Well I don't know if he's off the Depakote or not but last night was BAD!

He worked late came in and went ballistic.

Says he's happy til he comes home.

Was going through the house throwing things.

The kids had been playing in a big box and he opened the door and threw that right out into the little patch of ivy that grows around the house.

Was just on a negative everything is horrible rant.

I just sat quietly had been helping 9 year old with homework.

He started looking for reasons to hit the fan.

Asking questions had everyone eaten?

Yes I had fed them.

He was messing around in the sink. (I had already done dishes 3 times and cleaned out the sink once but there were still a few dishes in there from I guess the meal I just fixed)

Then he got on a hygiene kick. And ordered the children to take baths. Youngest had already had one that day and he said that wasn't good enough.

So I took littlest two in and sat with them while they took a bath. I just got away from him and after the bath trimmed daughter's bangs helped her with her homework and attempted to comb her hair out which is a fight.

Then I had to come in the other room for something and he tried to give me a high five and tell me he was sorry to be so grouchy but he seemed pleased as if he'd gotten what he wanted to order me to do something and have me do it? Sicko.

So I ignored him and went back in the other room and felt very depresed.

This is where I got stupid.

I left the house and went up to the post office late after dark. I just wanted to get away. Well it got scary and I won't do that again. As I was coming out sure enough there was a guy walking down the street with a long coat on hands in the pockets and I about crapped myself right there. I didn't have my purse left it in the car just had my cell phone in my hand. I had to cross his path to get to my car and told myself to just keep walking get in the car lock the door. I actually looked his way as I walked directly in front of him and said "Hi" but I know my voice was shaky. He was like, "How ya doin'? I didn't look up just grabbed the handle of my car opened it got in locked the door and drove away with my heart pounding.

Ugh I am so thankful that guy wasn't the one who would have hurt me or robbed me or whatever and I won't challenge my odds on that one. Won't be doing that again.

Damsel

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 10/21/2010 10:34 AM

I went out last night. The last two times I went out, I was scared shit****too.

I feel like, the one that was soposed to protect me is the enemy.

My trust has been so shattered.

The fog was bad, and it was scary driving home too.

When I got home, I cried.

I had a weird reaction to that.

When I got home I was thanking God and praying for that man that didn't do anything to me. That he would be okay and taken care of and just thanking God for whatever reason he chose not to take advantage of the situation and yeah it would have been at least 80% my fault for putting myself in that situation. I know what is down there and I went anyway. Bad move no matter how upset I was.

I found myself doing things that were not safe too.

I wondered, am I out to harm myself ? Have I got to a place where I am so consumed that I no longer give a s*** about me ? I went ahead anyways, and lived to regret it.

My instincts are all screwed up, I know it and need to be aware of it.

My Daughter sent me an e-mail this morning telling me that going out last night was not safe for me. I wanted to rip her head off. I am not a stupid old lady, and I was mad that she spoke to me as if I am the crazy person .

She told me she was GLAD I got scared, because it was not safe for me to be out.

I think, my family is all f-ed up.

We no longer know where the line is, the balance is.

Here is my kid, the one that will get in the car with a stranger off the internet, telling me I am not safe. WTF.

My Son, he thinks I need to drink booze. Thanks Son. THAT is not safe . LOL

We are a mess here.

I think we need a safety meeting. OMgeezzus.

Yeah I had some self destructive thoughts as I went out I'll be honest. I did not care what happened to me I wanted it to be over after that night and thinking is this what I have to look forward to all over again>

I've been through it before with him and don't want to go back to those days for anything.

Then standing there at that automated postal machine I came back to my senses and had this flash that nothing was worth what I was doing to myself, but it was too late. I had already put myself in that position.

As I started out I didn't see anyone or I would have waited inside and even made a call to someone anyone so I wouldn't have felt so alone and unprotected.

But then bam there I was practically face to face with who could become my assailant and the only thing I could think of to do was act friendly. Duh!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Yeah, I get that.

Damsel, is is a bit more calm this morning ?

I guess I'm expecting an instant replay tonight.

I may just submit and ask him what he would like me to do.

I'm tired of fighting it but there is no doubt I am feeling depressed about this.

I think he only slept 3-4 hours last night.

You know, we get so confused. When we were together, one night at some ungodly hour, I got in my car and drove, and I was headed straight down the long lonely road. No cell phone, had forgot my id and purse, had the wrong shoes on (cold and had on thongs), was crying and could not see straight. Screw him. I had to get out of there because he would not, and he was bound and determined to torment me until dawn. Screw him. Putting me in jeopardy like that .. and I do blame him. He screamed to get out!!! He called the police to say I had assualted him (I had not, but this was one of his neat tricks to make me leave in fear). Once the police got there and I was not home, he told them I was suicidal (I was not), and so they searched for and found me .. Screw him! I looked like I was nuts in my stupid practically bare feet and no id and crying. They asked if I was suicidal and said maybe I should not go home, and then left me there on the side of the freaking road. Since I had no where to go, I went home. When I got home, he was * o sorry baby*. Screw him ..

and damsel ..

(hugs)