Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

So today is my bday and just turned 29. Its important to me cuz its my last bday in my 20s, and my hubby waited till 8:50pm to acknowledge that he didnt forget my bday!

I know we havent been okay for a while, especially he didnt come home on friday night, but thats no excuse. He would be the first one to greet me in the past. Today, I woke up and I knew I would hear nothing from him. At 3pm, nothing.

So I figured I have a choice- stay at home and wait on him, or go out and do something without him. So I left, called my friend, and went to the mall and got my free gift from sephora (my only bday gift i figured). We had dinner and a martini, then at 8:50pm, my hubby texted me saying he made something for dinner and what time im coming home. Then texted me saying he didnt forget my bday and that he didnt know what to do and where to start with all the things going on with us and he wanted to make it special for me but dont know how. Then he called and called, and texted me more asking why im ignoring his mssgs.

I didnt call or text him back. For what?? The night is over already.. I came home, and still no "happy bday" I told him I ate already and he went downstairs to eat 15 mins ago. Its 11:43pm, and he cant even say "happy bday" to me. Acknowledging is one thing, but saying it is another.. Even just a txt will do it... What would any of you do in my position??

Dear god i know this feeling *hugs*

Better late than never and you take what you can get when you can get it. Soooo, given that you are dealing with someone with a mental illness I would have bit my lip, texted back, gone home, thank him for the dinner, and make the best of it.

You also had another early option. You could have also called him late in the afternoon to see what was going on rather than playing games to see if he calls or not call.

I don't blame you for being upset...but you are not dealing with a normal person and these wait and see games will only end up getting you upset and hurting your relationship.

If it was a normal relationship I would have been really angry.

sadsad

Post edited by: sadsadhubby, at: 10/19/2010 12:22 AM

sadsad, I didnt wait on him thats why I left home (I took a day off btw) and celebrate my day without him.. Also, I already ate and on the way back home when he texted me about his dinner thing..

If its any consolation, my birthday was Saturday, and it bothered me that my ex-wife didn't acknowledge it that day.

I figured even though we got divorced, that after being together 17 years and since she had been contacting me expressing regrets, that I'd at least get a text message saying 'Happy Birthday'...

Sunday afternoon she texted me, to tell me that she hadn't forgotten, but that she thought she shouldn't bother me, since I had my 'real family' to celebrate my birthday with. That she had thoughts of inviting me out to dinner to celebrate, but thought it would be 'stupid' to suggest it.

Talk about mixed messages... So I can related...

Hey mshopeful, I know it must have hurt. I tend to agree with sadsadhubby, though. Bipolar people need to be more sensitive but they just "don't get it" alot of the time. If we choose to stay with them and love them, we are forced to put alot of our own personal feelings to the side, because no matter how right we are, or how much we wish it was different...unfortunately it will rarely change. If we choose to stay with them, we have to live for the good moments. I understand what you were feeling, though. I love my husband to tell me he loves me. I love for him to send me emails from work telling me he is thinking about me, occasionally. If I send him one first, he will usually reply with a one liner..."I love you too". That used to bug the crap out of me. He never would initiate it and then after I write him a wonderful note, he would squeeze out that one liner. The truth is, he isn't good at expressing his feelings. I realize that he "knows" I love him and he doesn't feel the need for me to express it through emails/lovenotes, etc. Because he is bipolar and doesn't express his love to me, verbally, very often. I long to hear him say it. He told me when I do send him one, he likes it, but he just can't think of what to say back, etc. Maybe your husband was sincere when he said he didn't know what to do or where to start because of all the things going on with you and him. It's wierd, I know. It hurts, I know. Another thing we have to be careful of, is letting other people like friends and family who may not understand this illness or what it can do to the brain function and thinking of a bipolar person--encourage us to do things. I have friends that will say, I wouldn't put up with that! Now, I do what I know to do. I try to encourage my husband when he does do something that he thinks is good, if I feel that he is TRYING to be sincere. (Even if it is weird or a "day late and a dollar short" lol) Example: Once he had missed giving me a gift for mother's day when our children were toddlers. I felt so hurt. So he showed up later with a gift for me that was 6 votive cups. Five were one color and one was another color....I didn't say anything but it was hard not to laugh. I'll never forget it. I love those stupid votive cups. I know it was "his best", at that time. So odd. But he meant well. Take care. I hope in some small way this will help you to understand or be of some comfort or help. Laura

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 10/19/2010 06:28 AM

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 10/19/2010 06:58 AM

Because they are selfish.. My husband has done the same thing MANY times. I read this thing the other day and I use it all the time now.

Bi polar people acknowledge that you have feelings and needs, but they will NEVER trump their feelings and needs.

My husband is supportive and or loving to me ONLY when he feels like it. He will acknowledge my birthday or whatever, ONLY if he feels like it.. Ignorant..

I tend to agree with the others, my husband needs alot of attaboys when he makes an effort of kindness. In your case, if my husband text me late about dinner and expressed not knowing what to do because of the strain the last few days, and I would have ignored him like you did, he would be put off and not wish my happy birthday when I got home. Now if I would have said having a drink with ____ will be home in a few, we would have had a nice dinner, he would have wished me happy birthday and we would have had a nice evening.

I can understand your feeling hurt about how he handled your birthday, but at least he did acknowledge your birthday and made dinner for you.

He was probably thinking I put my car off to stop and cook dinner for her birthday, and this is what I get, sc--w this. I am not saying he is valid to feel that way, but you aren't dealing with a healthy person, you said so yourself.

Hope you had a great dinner and drink with your friend though, we all need that.

JMHO

My hubby tends to have issues or get manic during holidays and special occasions such as birthdays. He has messed up many holidays and birthdays. I totally understand how you feel.

We do have to remember that they do have a mental illness. They can't be expected to function as we do. As hopful said, my hubby needs a lot of attaboys, too. And I don't mind.

There are times that I have to remember that he just cannot be as thoughtful as I might be and he can't always remember what I can. I take what I get and expect very little.

I do have to add that my husband is very loving and caring and gives me a lot of "I love you's" and attention. I don't think that part is a bipolar thing across the board. Because my hubby is about as bipolar as he can get (imo lol). But, he is very loving and kind... even if he does mess up from time to time.

And btw... Happy Birthday. Libra's rock. Mine was oct 1.

Well, my bd was a month ago and its the first time in 32 years I did not receive a call nor a call. Given that we have not talked for four months I didn't expect anything. God bless our son...in college 21 years and he remembered to call and send me a card. He is a good boy.

sadsad