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10/11/2010 01:46 PM

lost and broken

confusedanddesperate
Posts: 10
Member

i am a husband and father i have been married for 16 years and with my woman for a total of 21 years my son is 10. My wife when she became pregnant, we were so extremly happy and excited as any couple would be but into her third tri mester became ill having thoughts of suicide. It was diagnosed as post pardum depression. she was treated and continued therapy. When my boy was born she only worsenend and the battle began. She would have thoughts of harming our son and her self ended up in the physc ward for weeks to a month when my son was around two or three .Then things got better for a while only to take another turn which my wife began a spending frenzy which put us into bankrupcy . My estimate in timeframes may not be so accurate but we soon learned years later that she was misdiagnosed and was actually bipolar. we have had many ups and downs through the years as any marriage does but also the fact of her illness has made it harder to deal with .We have always had a great loving trusting relationship through the years and alays thought of our relationship as special,always able to work thru the tough times .Just in the last year things have taken yet another turn .I should say in the past i was never one to be in favour of marriage councilling although did agreed to it only to discover that they said things to us what i knew they would and could have saved us money ,anyways we did go for councilling that my wife wanted so bad and we were givin small tasks or tools if you will to work on us but we never actually followed thru with .Our marriage has never been violent and always seem to be able to work things out.Back to this past year , my wife had become very sexual which was quite a shocker as we were intimate but always or should i say usually at her pace.She began reading many romance novels (obsessing)reading up to as much as 5 books in a month.This was frustating in the begining as she would not do to much of anything else but read.She began to talk dirty to me and or ask me about hers and my sexual fantasies .At first i was shocked but welcomed it because of our previous situation usually being rejected with sex as she has been depressed for a vey long time.So i would discuss her ideas or fantasies with her and was considering things to keep sex in our relationship.Only now have i dicovered that this thought process has taken yet another toll on our marriage and for the very worse ,she began to hang out with my frinds girlfreind at the time who is half her age and began going to a certain club which has a bad rep. The first time she went out i had no problem with as i have tried to encourage her to get out and enjoy herself once in a while.Three weeks later was asked to go out again and i had told her i didnt want her to go as i learned more info about this club and didnt approve .Basically i pleaded with her not to go but she didnt care and went anyways.I was extremely upset and called some freinds to confide in and they said dont worry she needs her space blah blah blah .I sat up after my boy went to bed and had many drinks with my self worring about what my wife might be getting into.I tried to stay awake until my wife returned home but ended up falling asleep. When i woke from the couch my wife was in bed and i woke her at 4 30 am she had got home at 4 oo and was very very drunk she said she was nt drunk just very tired. I left it at that till the am she would have slept all day had nt i woke her at 200 pm next day. she was hung over so bad and was very disturbing as she is on medication and normally does nt drink more than 2 drinks usually. I asked how her night was and hoped it was good because i said if she ever pulled that again it would be the end of us (out of anger), she agreed she would nt do that again. a week went by every thing seemed ok with us untill i was on the computer sun. morn and she had left her email box open only to discover a name i did not recognize opened it and was instantly heart broken from what i had found .I found emails from her in persuit of this man she had met which was actually the girlfreinds date and had been caught by the girlfreind kissing and groping each other in the parking lot she had made some suggestive remarks in the email to this guy and it was clear she had cheated on me and was in persuit of going further with him when i woke her to confront her she was completely shocked andended up blaming her illness and had thoghts of suicide which she ended up back in the hospital .My innitial reaction was so angry as you could well imagine but said to her there is no way that i am going to let this destroy our marriage.our family since she was admitted back to the ward once again i have done everything to support her and be there for her to show her how much she means to me and how much i love her and how much we need to get through this to keep our family together.I have put every thing i can into his to save our marriage but kept finding her in more lies about her discretion she claims she is remorseful but hasnt actually proven it in words or actions .Now through me pushing for answers have leared that she has been thinking of this guy almost daily even though he probably has no interest for her other than sleeping with her maybe and moving on to the next.I have been destroyed by this and cant imagine having to leave. I have told her we must continue and get through this as she means the world to me and will not give up .She has said she will not contact him any more and said will try to get through this her, guilt and shame and my trust she has broken and hurt she as caused.But still it feels like she doesnt really care about my feelings as much as i dofor her and is not affetionate towards me which is now my problem .I am the one that was hurt and damaged and even thouh she says she will try makes no real effort to come to me.That has caused some huge concerns for me and i have told her how i feel . if she truly wants to fix or make this work she should be showing it like me right? now that i have been complainong about her lack of trying she is now saying maybe she is having a mid life crisis and does know how she feels for me says she loves me but doesnt think in the way i deserve .Is it her illness? is she having a mid life crisis? is she falling out of love with me? im i trying to hard? is it worth saving ?i love her so much i cant imagine leaving her and my son he will be devastated. My god iam so hurt and confused i started thinking i have done something wrong she says no its her i realize i have taken things for granted in our relationship and am willing to change but should i is that the right thing to do. She married me for who i was .am i being an idiot in staying do i give it more time and see if she will come around one day do i leave and be lonley and hurt or continue to sit on hold to see if she will have a change of heart? she keeps saying one day at a time she will try.Am i exspecting to much to soon . iam a nervous wreck and have lost myself in all of this i cant focus on anything I play in a band wich i haverecently quit itook months off work to take care of her and the boy i have drained my energy so dry i am so stressed and tired what should i do or am i doind the right thing pleaase reply with any advice or opinions i am grabing at straws now signed lost and desperate
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10/11/2010 02:02 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16953
VIP Member

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We do have others here in similar situations and we'll do what we can to get you some help with this.

Welcome to the group.

Damsel


10/11/2010 02:05 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3932
VIP Member

Once my husband started taking meds that the pdoc prescribed and was willing to work on things I agreed.

I have been with mine for 19 years (17 married) and we have two boys ages 11 & 12. He too went outside of our marriage and I was devastated. He has always been so conservative to the extreme, I just knew he was not well and in his right mind.

Your feelings are totally valid and I am sure others will chime in with their experiences.

For me, as long as he is willing to do the work, I will too. As soon as he stops, I probably will too.

My husband did the same 14 years ago, before getting sober, before kids, and before being diagnosed bp (which I think he was in mania then) I was able to forgive him and move on with our marriage, so I know for me, it can be done.


10/11/2010 02:46 PM
confusedanddesperate
Posts: 10
Member

ithink she may be done and doesnt think she has anything left .her feelings arnt coming back she says ,but i cant come to terms with that i feel like i will take it to the bitter end to milk every last bitout of my family unit that i can i have become so insecure

10/11/2010 02:54 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16953
VIP Member

Try as hard as you can to relax and take one day at a time.

These situations can really put a person on edge especially fearing the loss of your relationship and being unsure of your future.

Try to think in terms of nothing drastic has to happen tomorrow.

It's very easy and rightfully so to just go into a state of panic and worry with these situations and usually there is time to try to work things out in most cases.

Damsel


10/11/2010 03:02 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3932
VIP Member

Confused, it is really hard when something or someone that you have always been SURE of and secure with is taken away from you for whatever reason. Unfortunately yours it BP.

I know for me, Togetherness was something I could always count on with mine, especially since 14 years ago it was promised to me. That has changed now once again, so for me, I just take it one day at a time. Thats all any of us can do, there are no guarantees unfortunately, thats what makes our decision making really hard. Heck no relationship has guarantees, yet alone one with a BP.

Your wife is probably so disgusted with herself and her actions that she does feel like giving up, I know my husband is, but we keep treading along and we are not making any major decisions right now. On days that I get really upset remember his past actions by something said or happening, I just stop myself and no THIS TOO SHALL PASS! And it does.

I know I want to keep my family together for my boys sake as well as mine, thats what keeps me going.

Keep Strong!


10/11/2010 03:26 PM
confusedanddesperate
Posts: 10
Member

thank you so much i am glad i made a decision to reach out on a site like this i have talked to a few freinds and my sister and they have not got the same understanding that we all share with each other(biploar spouses) thank you again

10/11/2010 03:34 PM
confusedanddesperate
Posts: 10
Member

thank you so much i am grateful to have joined this site as i do not get the same response from freinds or family and it makes me feel worse by them saying i should leave her .that is not what i want to hear nor is it what i want to do . i understand they are trying to be caring for me but it is not making me feel better with their advice yours on the other hand is thank you again and may happiness come your way soon tooo

10/11/2010 03:51 PM
hopefulcb
hopefulcb  
Posts: 3932
VIP Member

Well thats what this site is all about SUPPORT, I know there are many of us on here, that are exactly where you are. Thats whats great about this site, is there is always at least one person that is telling your story at the time it is being told, which really helps alot!

Keep posting, you will feel better, and I agree about the family thing. My sister and some friends think I am crazy for putting up with all of this, but they are just ignorant to the illness and don't want to learn about it. I keep those conversations with them to telling and asking how the kids are doing, its saferDizzy


10/11/2010 04:16 PM
rch
Posts: 2639
Senior Member

confusedanddesperate

Hold on. You can take one day at a time. Stay as calm as possible for you and your son. Your wife is mentally ill. She is not doing these things to abuse you or to ruin the marriage. She is disconnected from consequences and cannot properly feel what you and I would feel.

That said .. Only you can know if this marraige can be saved. In a long marriage like yours, it is worth trying. But bipolar is serious and damages relationships. So, you need to always take care of yourself and try not to lose yourself.

Is she on the proper meds??? It sounds like she is not. Do you still have enough sway to get her to the psychiatrist and get that adjusted??

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