Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Just can't shake this feeling. 20 years of focusing on my children and BP husband, going towards a goal, my dream life so to speak, and now it's dead.

I just wanted a best friend/partner to go through this tough life with. Loving, and supporting each other through good and bad.

He wants to come home and be that husband for me, but I am literally dead inside with no more hope of this being a good life, no matter what he says.

I never wanted much in life other than stable happy home and contentedness. That is where my true joy lies. Helping others is what makes me happy, but I have been screwed too many times.

Well, with that hope gone, where do I go? I know that I could meet someone and possibly be somewhat happy, but I have no intention of ever giving my heart so fully to anyone again, so what's the point.

Life is scary if you no longer have any hopes and dreams. I will function and do what I have to do of course, and maybe I will even laugh occasionally, but there is nothing exciting about living this life anymore.

He has literally robbed me of any desires, I am dead.

I will probably take him back and let him have his chance to prove himself, because my children deserve that, but I do not believe I will ever love him or give my heart fully to him again. I will be doing it only because I should.

Feels like life is over, there will be no more joy, just maybe an occasional "ok" feeling, and just waiting until the job is done and death eventually comes.

I know exactly how you feel I'm in the same place. I just don't know what to do with myself now that I don't work and the hubby split. I got married young and as big a trauma as dealing with a manic husband is-his absence leaves this huge hole. People keep asking me if I feel relieved but I don't even feel that. What I do feel is completely and utterly lost. And I don't trust myself to start over again because I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes. Plus I have no resolution-he isn't dead, we aren't divorced, he's just gone. Like a big black hole he's just sucked my life into his vortex and I can't see a way out.

Yep you've pretty much summed things up there.

Roller, I can relate to your feelings. I can not imagine how it must be to vested 20 years into this. I have and still am going

through different emotions from time to time. Once your relationship is actually over. You WILL go through a mourning process.

It is all the feelings and emotions of death. Just as you feel now. I have read your post for sometime and really have to ask you.

How is a unmediated bp parent good for your children? Or you? You have not been happy in a very long time. All the emotions

you are having are very normal. Truth is the dreams we had once committed all died years ago. Once diagnosed I had to kill all our dreams because I now knew these where not obtainable to someone sick. It seemed like every time I would change a dream/plan

something else happened, and since we broke through my process have learned I have not dreamed in along long time. Hell,I feel

I do not even know who I am anymore. What happened to this strong, independent woman I have been for years? I have always been a professional single mother. Nothing could stop me. I feel many times very weak. Then I think back to 4 months ago and realize I am slowly growing into a stronger person. Does it hurt? Like hell!! That is meant literally. Does it pass fast? No, I am still

going through stuff. Do I regret ending it? No, there was nothing to look forward to. No more plans of healing. No more structured growth. Just a hugh mess of bp crap all over my life. It is like you go from him to another process. I never realized how busy I was constantly trying to be the "perfect icon" partner. Now , the pace has slowed so much. Truth is I really do not have the desire to

be "she-woman" anymore,It exhausted me. What do I have to show for all my efforts? NOTHING

I know you have to do what you want to do. I just want to at least put some of it out here to think about.

What has helped me? The little things. What are your passions? Or used to be? I love to decorate, cook, make my house a home.

All of that died with him. It happens without knowing it. He was all consuming , and I truly did not realize how consuming he was until I was away from him. Stupid things where devastating to me. Going to the grocery store , and remembering not to buy his favorite foods. Walking by anything and trying not to remember him. Having a funny or interesting moment and not being able to share it with him. Watching our tv shows alone now. Yes, it hurts like hell...Please do not think about another man now. That is the least in my mind. I want to rediscover me. I for the longest time kept trying to remember who I was before him. I now realize I am not that person anymore either. Self discovery can be exciting in the unknown.I try to look forward of the undiscovered me.

I look at it as a journey, an adventure. I just hope you will really consider how you want the rest of your life to end up. For me no matter how hard this break up has been. I know this the only healthy I am going to get. Living with insanity was driving me insane.

I have felt, and still feel, the same way on lots of occasions. The whole thing is incredibly tiring, draining, frustrating, maddening, depressing, infuriating, heart-breaking, etc.

I get to the point where I just want to quit, but then I get mad. I am NOT going to be defeated by this disorder. A poem that a favorite teacher recited to me more years ago than I really want to admit comes to mind:

I can't; a poor pale puny imp

to lazy to work, and from every duty he shirks.

I can; a giant, unbending he stands.

And he can conquer who thinks he can

In spite of the throngs who doubt him.

Simplistic? Sure. But it does the trick for me. Some days it's a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and calling it good. It sucks big time, but that's the reality of it.

Here's hoping and praying that things will get better for all of us soon.

Sally, Loved it.I absolutly love simple.My grandmother always told me it was the the small things are what matters the most.I try to live that legacy.Thanks for the uplifting words.Well needed.

I haven't had true joy in my life for going on a year now. The things that I always took joy in just don't work anymore and other than my son laughing and smiling at me there is always a hole. What I hate most is right now could be a reasonably joyous time, things are going well, wife is acting normal, son is growing and doing great, other than financial hardships, life is decent but there's always that black cloud on the horizon and it robs me of enjoying life like I used to. I have to admit though, ever since wife told me she has forgiven me for a certain past bad act I have felt more hope than I have in a long time. I don't know if I believe she has truly forgiven me but she has never ever voiced that to me until a week ago, she always used that bad act as weapon to hurt me and she hasn't in a long time so maybe it is true and joy can return but once you shut it out it's real hard to open that window and let it back in.

Fred, found your words very moving.I am glad you are finding some peace in your life.I hope she holds true to her forgiveness.God knows you deserve it!

[Truth is I really do not have the desire to

be "she-woman" anymore,It exhausted me. What do I have to show for all my efforts? NOTHING]

Cshell-Your post made me cry and you are so right, 20 years of mentally busting my a$$ for what? I don't want to be the glue, or she-woman, or the therapist, peacekeeper, whatever ANYMORE.

I told him if he came back, he would have to take 1/2 of the load.. He will have to be a shoulder for me as well as I for him. If he ever treats me like he did for so many years, I am gone. He cheats,or even gets inappropriate with another woman, I am gone. If he stops therapy, or medication, or self improving...Me = gone..

I do not think he can do all this, and that will be my ending point because I literally do NOT want this anymore but feel since he is agreeing to everything, I owe it to my kids to try, one more time.. Maybe I will be surprised, who knows.. Doubt it..

As far as the kids, except for the grouchiness, which they hated, he is a good dad and they love him to death so I don't believe they will be better without him around so much. He is trying to get help so I feel obligated...

Your the Best C! (((hugs)))

It is an exhausting role to play for so many years, you feel that because you have put so much into it and held it together for all these years that you will be rewarded and it will all pay off in the end. This just doesn't appear to be the case.

I am trying to find joy in my freedom away from BP. Of course it hurts but it hurt when we were with them as well. At least you can organise your life and find some balance. I have found that now he is gone I have much more time to help the kids with their homework take them to clubs and actually do things with them. Before my life was spent trying to placate SO and tend to his many needs that there was little time for anything else.

In all honesty the kids seem far more relaxed and happy since he has been gone and we are slowly getting into a routine without him. We have had simple fun times on the lawn just kicking a ball about, without the constant worry of what mood he would be in when he got home.

Roller you will find joy again and you will feel better. When SO left 2 1/2 months ago I couldn't even grocery shop on my own as I was so devastated by his actions towards us I had to have my mum come with me.

Just try to take it slowly day by day and it will improve, its just an adjustment and it will take time.

Group hug for all of us