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09/13/2010 04:24 PM

If you had it to do all over again, would you?

PolythenePam
PolythenePam  
Posts: 31
Member

Just wondering. I've been thinking about this a lot since my SO took off. I think for myself if I knew what I know now when I was 15 and first met him I would run for the hills.

However, there were plenty of signs early on, I just didn't recognize what was happening. And it was the 70's and we all were doing drugs back then, so a lot of his behavior I attributed to that. But I saw enough to smell trouble and still hung in there for all this time. Through some truly hellish situations. Frankly I think there may be something wrong with me too. I don't know if I could even have a relationship with a normal man. When my hubby and my relationship was going well it was absolutely super. We could be extremely close. Maybe that's what kept me hanging in. Maybe normal marriages aren't supposed to be so intensely tight.

Anyway, I keep thinking that if I met him now-without our history-I would never consider a relationship with him. But I do love him and we have a history and children. And damn it he NEEDS me and I believe in marriage being till death us do part. But then I question my own sanity for clinging to the hope it will ever work-especially now that he's gone.

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09/13/2010 05:20 PM
broken626
broken626  
Posts: 402
Member

Same here with the questioning your own sanity. I believe in marriage being till the end and it makes it really hard for me to give up, I ment it when I said my vows and giving up on him feels like failure. Thats why I am still here.

Would I do it all over? I dont know how to answer that. I have had intense love with my husband like I have never had before (this is #2 for me pluse dated) I think if I knew for sure I could feel this kind of intense love for another man then no I would not do it with my so again. The heart break alone is unbearable and I dont wish it on my worest enemy. But the Love is wonderful, and my kids I would not change one thing about any of them. (ok maybe they could listen a little better)

Thats a hard question to answer!


09/13/2010 05:31 PM
PolythenePam
PolythenePam  
Posts: 31
Member

The hard part is all my friends and family are horrified that I'm still married to him. If I have to hear "you could have done so much better..." one more time I may just go commit myself somewhere. A couple of weeks of crafts and talk therapy might be just the ticket. Of course I'm out of work and insurance so that won't be happening. I'm tired of the constant struggle. I do have 2 great kids so it wasn't all for nothing. And I still love the jerk. Wish I could do a memory erase and just start over. Sometimes life really is just too hard.

09/13/2010 06:41 PM
Mary2009
Mary2009  
Posts: 685
Member

I want to say, I would do it again but I can't. It shakes the foundation of my belief system to say that. I really believe all experiences are valuable and help us grow. I am not a big believer in regret and I'm not one to ask, “why me”. However, there have been many days that I not only regret marrying my ex, I regret ever having met him. Now, I just regret the marriage. I am working on accepting this as a valuable experience but honestly, I'm not there yet.

09/13/2010 06:46 PM
Rollercoaster2969
Posts: 250
Member

Wow~ I have asked myself this question over the years, and the answer is always "No. I would not do this again if I had known." So sad, I have beautiful children, and love them to death, but I NEVER wanted to be a single mother, and it is an injustice to my children to be in this situation. I believe, me personally, I am only as good of a mother as my environment and relationship with my husband allows me to be. I am not supposed to work all day to support myself and kids, than come home and be 100% a great mom raising stable, honorable kids. I am a firm believer in, "A Happy wife makes a great Mom." I can take care of myself, by myself if needed, but kids need more than I can give as one person, so No No No, and still NO.. lol

09/13/2010 10:39 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13289
Group Leader

There was a time, I would answer yes.

That time has passed.

NO, I would NOT do this again. I am still somewhat pissed that it was not disclosed when we got married.


09/13/2010 10:51 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11199
VIP Member

Anybody who has EVER been diagnosed with a mental illness should DISCLOSE it. But would I do it again? Sorry to go against the grain, but yes, I would. And maybe I am the one with mental problems because it was really awful for a long time. I do think that it is relevant that I had just finished a three year relationship with a super-manipulative Narcissist (caps because he is the textbook definition of NPD). I was off-balance. I am a strong person. I am not shaken from my beliefs or opinions easily. But I think, in retrospect, that I was the victim of a classic narcissist for three years, and then my husband came along (not depressed or manic for many many months) and he was super-understanding and super-loyal.

09/14/2010 02:11 AM
fedupSue
Posts: 31
Member

Another big NO. 22yrs is a long time and I just do not have the stamina to want to do it again. The signs were there, but not having known anyone with BP I didn't see them.

On reflection it has been like some sort of endurance test, where eventually I have failed. I think because you have been in it for so long it is difficult to accept failure, you remember the great times but they're gone and I don't think you will get them back. My SO has gotten far worse this past 7yrs and I wouldn't have even considered him as a partner if I'd met him then.


09/14/2010 05:07 AM
heartbreaks2009
 
Posts: 312
Member

oh boy. good question. my answer is and always be, "why the hell did I f7ck up my life" I truly did when I married him. Our situation was a little different, dating for 4.5 months PREGNANT, in love. yes, all the red flags were there, the stories, the info about his past. It was all there in front of me. Blinded by love. Thinking he had changed, after all he owned his own home on the water, was a successful business man. What could be wrong with him now. whoa nelly. do you have 5 years to recount 5 years. so in short, I would NOT do it all over again, I would run for the hills. But the one blessing I have is my beautiful, sweet, empathetic, emotionally intelligent 4 year old son. he is my life. which I must share with someone who isnt right in the head. that scares the hell out of me and rocks me to my core everydaySad

09/14/2010 05:09 AM
heartbreaks2009
 
Posts: 312
Member

to add, I have FINALLY decided to go through with starting divorce proceedings. I am going to try to salvage what I have left of my life. I will be picking eggshells out of the soles of my feet for some time. I need to save my own child from the shards of shells that he is already starting to tread on at FOUR years old. that just aint right.
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