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07/22/2010 11:01 AM

Are his perceptions distorted or I am that bad?

Posts: 10
New Member

Every time my husband gets upset about any little thing, it turns into a several hour discussion about how everything has to be "my way". My best guess as to what he's talking about is that I told him a while back that I was not going to put up with being yelled at anymore. To him, this is me trying to change who he is because HE doesn't see anything wrong with yelling at me, but I DO have a problem with it. He continuously accuses me of always thinking he's "wrong" and tells me I don't let him have an opinion on anything. I've asked him for examples and I still don't really know what he's talking about. He says "of course you don't - you haven't done ANYTHING wrong since we started dating, right?" He says he just does things differently and he accepts me for who I am, but I can't do the same for him. I suppose this comes from me not being content with no sex life whatsoever, getting frustrated with him talking about how much everybody in the world sucks everyday and us basically sharing nothing as a couple anymore. No, I'm not ok with that. I hate when I start to question myself and think maybe I'm just that blind that I can't see what a selfish person I am. I just don't know anymore what's up and what's down, what's right and wrong. Am I just really the type of person who can't see what they're doing wrong? Or is it his bipolar distorting his perceptions of things? Is there even any way of knowing that?

07/22/2010 12:17 PM
Posts: 55

Welcome to my world Michelle. I too am so confused (i.e., confusedindenver) and have often questioned and doubted myself, and my own sanity. This illness is very confusing and you hit the nail on the head when you said you don't know what's up, down, right and wrong. I compare it to a snow globe all shaken up; there is you in the middle of all that snow, not being able to see reality, because you are being given so much misinformation and it is always you who is to blame, you who is wrong, or you who is sick. You might know the sky is blue, but you can be convinced after hours of hearing his arguments that the sky is green--know what I mean? You are in the right place; my butt was saved last night because I honestly thought I was going to lose it, wondering myself what is right and what is wrong, and a very good friend here had me laughing so hard with her horror stories it brought me back to reality and the truth of what is happening in my life. Keep talking and sharing here; I am proof that it really helps.

07/22/2010 12:26 PM
damselndistressPosts: 16953
VIP Member

I don't understand why every issue becomes a question of our own personal intent and purpose.

My husband will automatically jump to the conclusion that he is being disrespected if something like the thermostat is touched.

He starts giving me the devil eyes and saying all types of things.

Now unless the kids are touching it ours must be possessed because the temperature moves all over the place.

For some reason yesterday it was set at 70 and it really set him off. Everything set him off from that point on.

For whatever odd reason I just got this smile on my face talk about a strange reaction-no I do not enjoy this. It's like a weird grinning and bearing it type of thing like I know where we're headed now.

We do this same thing and our psychologist had said my husband was histrionic. Things get way distorted and extreme for them like they imagine you have food rotting all over the house if they get an odd scent up their nose etc etc. It doesn't take much at all to get him on a roll over here.

Maybe this is connected to bp I don't know. But when issues come up just like at your house my whole being comes into question it seems.


07/22/2010 12:46 PM
Posts: 19

I totally agree w/confused... Sometimes i don't know what's up or down either. This illness seems to very drainning... you have to really love someone to put up with the little things that turn into "life altering" events! I am learning all of this & still trying to educate myself.

damsel you are so right about the jumping to conclusions.. my bf does the same type of stuff and will put words in my mouth that I never said.. they seem to read to far into stuff sometimes. They want to feel like they are in control I think, but because all of these types of things and conversations pretty much can involve moods... well BP is just that, a mood dissorder. This ALWAYS makes thing difficult. And what is funny(not funny haha) is how they never think they are over reacting!!!!

07/22/2010 12:52 PM
Posts: 10
New Member

This issue came up again last night when I was hungry and exhausted after a long day. After asking him what we should do about dinner and getting the usual "I don't care" response, I suggested we just go out and get something. Apparently me saying I was hungry a couple of times was me being passive aggressive and expecting him to get up and either take me out for food or cook me dinner. And I just thought I was trying to figure out dinner! That was me wanting him to drop what he was doing (which was watching TV) because I wanted something. He told me - "if you're hungry, then f*&$^&g eat". It then turned into a 3 or 4 hour thing where I was told (again) that I can't accept him and everything has to be my way. I made the mistake of engaging in this argument because they've been happening so often lately and I'm just fed up. I tried to defend my intentions of just seeing if he wanted to be a part of dinner, but then that turned into a discussion about how because my expectations are that families eat together and to him it doesn't matter at all, that "I'm right and he's wrong". It's so incredibly frustrating.

07/22/2010 12:55 PM
Posts: 10
New Member

haha, the putting words in my mouth thing is SO true, Mel82!! When I say "I never said that!" he'll usually say "you didn't have to". When I try to clear up my actual intentions, that's when I apparently don't see anything that I do wrong. But they're MY intentions! I should know!

07/22/2010 11:31 PM
Posts: 1981
Senior Member

OMG it's so funny that damsel mentioned the scent thing. Every time my hubby is manic he says the bathroom stinks... smells like urine... so strong it makes him sick to walk BY the bathroom. One of the MANY things he says when manic. Including the "dump" we live in and how he can't live in "this environment". He gets on the same old song and dance every time. Even if the house is SPOTLESS!!! One day he came home and started the whole stinky bathroom thing. I looked at him in the eyes and said that's bull$it because I just cleaned it. The floor is even still wet with Mr Clean. Now, let's talk about why you're manic. LOL

As you can see, they can distort anything they want. The house is clean? Nope. It is disgusting and they can't live in this environment.

It's nothing personal to you. They're projecting or delusional or whatever. But, as time goes on you begin to see patterns. You can predict what they'll say just because you sense they're manic.

At least that's pretty much what goes on around here. Wink

07/23/2010 04:22 AM
Posts: 274

Michelle, it's almost the opposite here. My wife is the rigid one who has to have everything her way. And that's not me being dramatic, it's the way it is in the house. She won't admit it, ever, but if I don't do things her way there is usually some sort of explosion. I just got back from a 2 week trip and she has "adjusted" a bunch of things and I am now expected to just fall in line with them. eg: My son's bath time was always my thing and we had a routine, while I was gone she changed the routine instead of just going with the one I had, now I have to follow the new routine even though there was never anything wrong with the old one. And my resistance at first was me "being obstinate".

Because of her distorted thought processes I generally refuse to get dragged into arguments with her and when she starts getting spun up about something I'll usually just give her an "ok" , "whatever" or a " alright" and just do whatever it is that needs doing in her manner just to diffuse the situation. The problem with that is she then accuses me of being childish when I just say whatever and do whatever it is. I tried to explain to her that her tantrums were the childish thing and that there was no point in me arguing with her so that was why I would respond the way I would and she actually told me I should fight back, stand up for myself and all that. I attempted to reiterate that there was no reason to fight back since for the most part they always ended the same way and I would rather end it sooner than later. In her distorted mind this another instance of me being a passive weenie apparently. It's frustrating for the most part but I have to admit sometimes her distorted perceptions actually make me laugh a little on the inside. Twisted I know.

07/23/2010 10:56 AM
KasiahelpPosts: 233

the problem perhaps is that we can't 'negotiate' with a BP. it's the eggshells. so if you would wish to discuss your relationship (sex life, and I FULLY understand or whatever) you will come into the terrain that it's all your 'fault'. unfortunately that stops us from communicating. because as you say, they can twist things such that we question our own sanity. or worth. mine's in a 'perfectly' normal great time again...unfortunately I am still hurting from the previous months. and no matter what, I still cry at night for where is my partner upon whom I can count, in MY sickness and health. I'm glad no drastic changes were made during his 'height'because it's 'ok' again. but I also have knowledge and sadness and I'm 'only' 47..isn't it soon for my hormones to wreak havoc? and what then? I'll be dealing with his, as usual...

07/27/2010 10:57 AM
BearMyCrossPosts: 70

It still shocks me to know that I'm not alone. To know that all of you are living what I live everyday. The people around me don't understand because my husband comes off as being the happy-go-lucky guy...but they don't understand that he acts like this to lock them out of what he really feels. When no one is looking I get the brunt end of what I call the "You are so selfish and rude, you ruined my life when you..." episodes. The latest involved him thinking that I'm buying “secret” items at the grocery store that he feels we don't need. (Mind you I've always done the groceries, all the cooking and meal planning). The smallest things end in conversations about divorce, him taking the kids away so they won't learn my selfish ways, and how wonderful of a husband he is and how any of his past girlfriends is better than me. When he talks to others he says that I have a problem and I'm overly sensitive. He doesn't yell but he says really nasty, rude, mean things or twists events, statements and reality itself to prove twisted thinking...if any of you have the book "Nasty People" when my hubby generally acts like the "Invalidator", you can read through it and see if it fits your situation. I am by no means saying that non BP are perfect...BELIEVE ME...EVERYBODY HAS PROBLEMS, but dealing with him really does make me feel crazy and self conscious.

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