Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

How do you deal with all of the hurtful things that your bipolar spouse does and says to you during his episodes? my spouse has been under alot of stress lately and I have given him his space, but this weekend he blew up at me again and blamed me for everything that he did wrong ( he broke some promises to some friends, blew off a dinner party that was planned for a week, and let me down by leaving me out of plans so he could entertain the neighbours. This time for the first time I left the house and went to a safe place. I left a note telling him how much I loved him and where I was and to call me. I know that it usually takes a few days for him to "come down" ( what would usually happen is that he would ignore me for a few days and act like I dont exist and then when he comes down he treats normally like nothing has happened) It is like he doesnt remember or know what he has said or done...

I love him so much but it is killing me waiting for him...All I want is for him to come to me, hold me in his arms and tell me he loves me..then we could talk about councelling or meds. Why do they hurt the people that they claim to love the most????

Post edited by: nancy340, at: 07/12/2010 08:17 PM

Nancy I think this is what brings most of us here is the fact that we are hurt over and over by our partners.

We are taught to try to detach our emotions when we are being spoken to that way but I'm not sure how much that helps.

I feel like I'm a person with feelings and that it seems almost unhealthy to act like I'm accepting a lot of BS from my partner.

If you can find a way to give some feedback maybe it'd be worth a try. Let him know that it hurts you. I don't know whether it will make a difference for him or not but maybe it can for us.

This past incident with my husband just a week ago I didn't try to play the tough gal routine. I let the tears roll down my face and let myself feel the pain. He said some really lame things and I had to weigh it-did I want to confront those lame things he said or would it just make things worse. I decided it would make things worse so I didn't take him on. That is an important thing to learn is to choose your battles.

The other thing is we all have a choice and it could be that we all come to the point where it just isn't worth it anymore depending on how much our partner is able to adapt for us.

My mother in law just tells me she developed thick skin and that the men in this family say crude things. It doesn't help me much to hear that. It sounds like making excuses to me.

The thing I always come back to when I'm getting behaviors like that from my husband is that it isn't love.

I don't really get into the thinking that it isn't him it's the disorder because how do you separate the two?

It's like that saying on Spongebob and I know it isn't the origin of it but when is it Mister Crab says, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" I haven't felt much like kissing my husband in the past and the words that come out of his mouth are the reason why.

Behavior so horrible to a spouse doesn't allow the spouse to love their partner-it kills the love.

It's a personal choice but I don't think I can be a healthy person and just overlook all types of behavior from my husband. I let him know I'm not happy with that type of behavior and I can't say that it has all stopped but we have had some improvement here.

I wish you luck and keep posting. It does help to talk about it.

Damsel

Nancy, first a question:

Why won't he take meds? Cause this is more complicated than it appears. Does he accept he is bipolar? Because if he doesn't believe he has a mental illness, why would he take meds? If he does accept he has bipolar, then what is his objection to meds. We have heard most of them here (or in our lives), ranging FROM "my friend/uncle/boss had a terrible reaction to one once upon a time and" insert what that reaction was here TO "the big pharmas want us all medicated" (a more political/philosophical objection than a fear objection). Lots of people worry they will become drooling idiots. Those folks need to talk with someone who is actually bipolar and on meds! Nonetheless, I understand why they have this fear. Our culture does a bad job of representing mental illness.

Figuring out WHY he is unwilling to take meds gives you a better way to get to the end goal: him getting treatment. Keep us posted. Sorry you are going though this.

Don't lose yourself to your bipolar partner.

Thanks you for all of the support...When my spouses bipolor is not affecting him we have a wonderful, loving relationship..He is aware of his disease, his father had it and was very violent. He has never been violent but after he comes back down it is like he doesn't remember what he said. When he has these episodes his whole demeanour changes...he has beautiful blue eyes and a very soft gentle face,but when he is manic his face changes and he doesnt look you in the eyes, it is like he knows somewhere deep down what is happening but he cant stop it. I have heard from councellors that they tend to "hurt the ones they love the most".

With me even though he is lashing out at me..it is like he wants me to stay away from him because he is afraid that he would be violent and he doesnt want that. When the bipolar is not showing we have a great life, he is so encouraging with things I am doing, and he tells me all of the time that he loves me and loves our life together and that he is so happy. Even as hurtful as this weekend was I can kind of understand why it happened...he had just spent the last three and half weeks watching the man that he considered his father be diagnosed and die of cancer...he seemed to be handling it well... and I thought that he was taking his Prozac, when I met him up north at our cottage he was with our neighbours around the campfire but he seemed a little hyper, the next day he was just really busy and it progressed from there. I went into town to get some stuff we needed to finish what we were doing...when I got back some friends of ours had dropped in to visit. I sat down with them and all of a sudden he got up and said that he had promised to take a bunch of the kids tubing.. ( this was at 4pm, our dinner plans were for 6-6:30 and it takes about 30-40 mins to get out of the river to the lake to go tubing). I was under the impression that my step son ( who is more than capable of taking the boat out and has done so in the past ) was taking the kids. Next thing I know he is off leaving me and are frieds there. The worse part is that most of the people he took were people he had just met ( the new neighbour and her sister and thier kids and some kids we did not even know but were friends of a couple of the other kids) and he left behind our friends grandson whom he has known for a long time and who he had promised to take. Needless to say our friends left after a little bit and we continued on with our dinner plans. When he returned he came to where we were having dinner and we told him to join us...he said he was just getting some lemonade and never returned. The lady whose grandson was left out ( and who loves both of us to death) went over to our place and told my spouse that she was disappointed with him that he would leave her grandson out and that she thought it was rude that he left me and our company behind for a bunch of people he really didnt even know. When i went back he accused me of going to her and "bitching and whining" He said that he had made promises to those people. I calmly reminded him that he had made promsies to our friends grandson and that it would have been nice if he had of invited myself and our company...he said that the boat was full, I then said so if our company had not of shown up I would have been left behind because the boat was full...he just kep backtracking but I did call him on it....the next day was worse so I left...

I am sorry to keep blabbering but you are right it does help to get it out.

As for his meds...he says that they give him headaches, he has Prozac which his sister says is not the best med for bipolar. He knows he has the disease and will usually take the pills when he is starting to feel stressed. However he was spending alot of time at the hospital and trying to work when he could that I think he just forgot or didint bother.

As for me, we have been together for almost two years, we have a great life with him, me and this three boys...when the bipolar is at bay I am so happy. I love him so much and while I am giving him some time, I still feel like part of me is missing...I am terrified that he is not going to call me or want me to come home. I made sure that the note stated very clearly that I love him and that I just felt we needed some time apart, and that I know what I want and he has to think about what he wants. I asked him to call me when we can sit down alone and talk like we used to. His sister is my biggest advocate and has helped me so much..she knows how much i love him and want to work things out....but...one of the conditions of my return will be going to the doctor and/or counselling to get this disease under control...but right now I feel like a part of me is missing...I miss him,,,I love him and I just hope he loves me enough to bring me home.

Post edited by: nancy340, at: 07/20/2010 10:00 AM

Oh, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.... "How do you deal with all of the hurtful things that your bipolar spouse does and says to you during his episodes?" You recognize that it is the disorder that is speaking, not the person.....

He knows he's BP but doesn't wanna take meds? He's only taking Prozac right now? REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA. It will only make him manic.

You have to get to a point that you put your foot/hoof down and say (ala WARHORSE STYLE... sing with me, sisters): "You don't wanna take your meds? Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out...."

The best time to address this issue is when he's in crisis, IMO. He will be much more amenable to treatment, which is usually a regiment of different drugs.

Still no phone call, the waiting is killing me...i dont know whether to take my chances and call him or just show up at home...i miss him so much

I wonder if he's saying the same thing.

Saying my wife left me and she hasn't even called yet.

It's hard to know.

Damsel

Sorry, guys, I can't miss anyone that much.....

Nancy: I'd be taking advantage of getting a good night's sleep.....

Post edited by: livinginablender, at: 07/13/2010 09:00 PM