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07/02/2010 11:56 PM

Starting to figure it out

Belle121975
Posts: 135
Member

Hi all,

As this is my first experience with a BP BF or EX-BF I am kind of learning by trial and error.

It's been 2 weeks since I have heard from him at all. I have been worried all along but my worry got the better of me tonight so I contacted his sister-in-law whom I really really like. I was just starting to get to know her & the whole family dynamic before all hell broke loose. I sent her a text just asking if he was okay. She told me that she hasn't seen him but that they are playing phone tag. If she is telling the truth they haven't seen one another in 2 weeks and he doesn't go 3 days without seeing his family. His Mother lives with his brother, sister-in-law & neice. I guess this is all part of his mania and staying away from the people who really love him? I am not sure.

It kills me to think that he is trying so hard to erase me & us. I feel like I did something horrible like spend all of his money or cheat on him. I actually was the first girlfriend who really really tried to show I cared. Man, the collateral damage this disease does is no joke.

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07/03/2010 12:54 AM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11201
VIP Member

Belle, I am guessing you guys are both in your 20s? Because bipolar usually flares up (in a serious way, often the BP person is committed) in 20s and again in 40s. For others reading, NO, I am not saying you will have perfect harmony in other decades...

If you read for any length on this forum, you will undoubtedly conclude you dodged a bullet and be thankful he is gone. As a spouse who met her bipolar loved one in his mid-40s, I confess to having fantasies of how I could have intervened when he was committed in his early 20s and would have got him to get diagnosed and treated then. Yeah, fantasy land.

All that aside, I would never suggest you write him off just because he is bipolar. In this case, though, he ran off on you, so I would just ask you to think about why you really want him back? If he is undiagnosed and cycling and sometimes raging, you might not want him back, even if the urge to correct him about your prior relationship remains strong. I would also flat out try to insist that you IGNORE whatever he says about what you had before. He is unstable and he will say a lot of things if you continue in a relationship with him. So if he is trying to write you out of his past, mourn that for a few weeks, and then THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS. This early in the relationship and he is treating you this way? I say run away. As far and as fast as you can.


07/03/2010 01:05 AM
Belle121975
Posts: 135
Member

He is actually in his mid 30's and so am I. We knew one another in our early 20's and just reconnected. He may have had a really bad episode in his 20's but I am not sure. From what I gather the last 11 years have not been easy on him. He has absolutely nothing to show for it meanwhile I went out and had a complete life. My only set back was that I had been unemployed due to the economy for 1.5 years. He was helping me get back on my feet so to speak but as my life started to move forward in a positive he became more and more hard to deal with.

So many people tell me that I dodged a bullet. That I should be thankful and just suck it up and move on. I know this is true but I am trying to understand what happened.

I know that it was a screwed up relationship. He constantly was concentrated on making himself comfortable. He left me no resources in a place where I have no family but I am trying to do the best I can to get myself out of this rut. I do have a job and that is a lot more than most people these days.


07/03/2010 02:39 AM
ennray
 
Posts: 277
Member

No one can tell you how to feel, but we can offer you some advise. What you are feeling is perfectly normal for the situation you have had to face.

Dont take this illness personally. Mine left after 11 years together! He has been fone for 6 months. I know the place you are in right now and it sucks! From experience I can tell you not to chase him as this will only drive him further away. Do not engage in a bipolar conversation with him. It will only leave you hurt and lost. If you have to make contact with him keep it brief and general. Let his family do the dirty work and provide you with the information they have.

He may crash and return, I hope if this is what you want that it happens. In the mean time, learn all you can about BP, educate yourself on how to deal with a manic or depressed person and get some counselling for yourself.

Take care and remember it will get better for YOU and how you are feeling, it just takes time.


07/03/2010 02:59 AM
Belle121975
Posts: 135
Member

Someone please tell me how I not contact him? That is the hardest part! It's been over 2 weeks. This was someone who I lived with and was in constant contact with during the days when we were apart. He would just call me to check in & see what was going on. Now, nothing. Absolutely nothing and it is killing me!

07/03/2010 03:30 AM
ennray
 
Posts: 277
Member

My best advise is not too! You have to stay strong. If you have to contact him then keep it simple like "hope you are well, Im here if you need to talk". Place the lines of communication back on him. This way he will know that he can contact you.

I strongly recommend that you keep in touch with his family, let them deal with him directly and tell you the information you need. Would they do this for you?


07/03/2010 03:54 AM
cshell23
 
Posts: 282
Member

Hey Belle,

Sorry you are having a really hard time---


07/03/2010 03:58 AM
cshell23
 
Posts: 282
Member

Belle,

You know you and I are in very simular situations on recent breakup.

I struggle daily to.I FEEL your pain.I know how hard it is to be close to someone and it just be over.That the crazy part that we as partners of bp have to go through.I hope you will reread ENRAYS words.Seriosly calling truth from your emotion first will not get you what you are needing.To be blunt they don't care what YOU NEED right now.They only feel what they need.


07/03/2010 04:02 AM
cshell23
 
Posts: 282
Member

I hope you remember that is what we all are here for.We all know we can not get our emotional needs met with a bp partner.So vent away here.Even if you need to say what you want to to him here.I agree you have to get it out someway. Unfortunatly, getting it out to him will only make it worse.Seriously LISEN to everyody here.They will all say the same thing.

07/03/2010 04:52 AM
Belle121975
Posts: 135
Member

Thank you all for your support at this time. I've just never ever dealt with someone like this in my life. I guess I should have understood his Mother's warning when she said "He has such a good heart if you can just put up with the other stuff". I have kept my contact with his family to a minimum. I just asked his sister-in-law to make sure that he was okay & not in jail or hospital. I still care a great deal even though he hates me & basically left me to just rot. His phone has been shut off for days. He was always really poor on communicating over the phone. He would get angry at me if I tried to remind him to call people back. We even had a fight about it when I told him to just call his family ahead of time so that he wasn't disappointed if he showed up & they had other plans. I know see how that was a big part of the problem.
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