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06/23/2010 03:07 PM

So lost. So hurt. Girlfriend left.

TheStranger
Posts: 7
Member

Sorry if this all comes out a bit jumbled. I'm pretty hurt and confused and lost right now.

My girlfriend of many years left me pretty randomly. She went off, slept with some other guy, and now says she doesn't care. She doesn't feel bad - she says, in fact, that she's incapable of feeling bad. And that she simply feels nothing for me. We're over, done, and she's more relieved than anything else.

She claims this has been coming for months...But I don't see it. I don't. She says she has journal entries backing this up...But I don't know. The day before she left, we seemed so happy. We seemed to be doing so well. Then, suddenly, she claims to have realized she has no feelings for me.

She's always been bipolar - it runs in her family, and her behavior used to be incredibly erratic. That said, though, I thought she'd leveled out. I guess not.

This all happened about a month ago. She seemed *really* bad then. I think she's leveled out some, but she's still talking about how much she doesn't care, and how little she feels about most things. Including me.

The sound of her voice scares me anymore.

She says she's happy. She says she's having fun. She doesn't *seem* to be outright destroying her life, aside from things involving me. She's making friends. She always had trouble with that before. On the other hand, she says this person she is now feels 'familiar,' and more comfortable, even if she doesn't necessarily like this new her.

She's so alien, and cold, and...different. But she seems to be, more or less - at this point at least, holding it together.

She has an appointment with a psychiatrist in the next week. I guess I'm wondering...will things change if she's properly medicated? Is she likely to have some giant revelation and realize how badly she hurt me? Remember the love?

I don't know if it would matter, at this point...But...I guess I need to know that our entire relationship wasn't just...worthless. Is this likely? Is this the pattern?

I'm just so lost and confused...and desperately looking for answers.

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06/23/2010 03:15 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 17368
VIP Member

TheStranger-

Sadly enough we are hearing the same identical stories told over and over here.

The thing that we find in common is bipolar disorder.

You're welcome to "read around" and see what you think.

It doesn't seem to matter whether people have been together 20 years or 2 months-we all experience the same type behaviors from our partners.

Now it is true that we get a lot of troubled in seek of help members here. There is no way to know what percentage of the world are successfully living with their partners in a relationship that works and is functional.

Many of us here are just riding the bipolar wave.

Welcome to the group,

Damsel


06/23/2010 04:29 PM
mbermudez2008
mbermudez2008Posts: 123
Member

Hello Stranger:

You are welcome to read my initial post when I found this site. we have very similar stories except I married her and she left five months into it. Epically devistating...Just remember, you did nothing wrong. People with BPD have 20-40% less gray matter in their brains which doesn't allow the neurons to make certain connections to process safety and reward like you and I might. It also causes the anxiety, depression, and the attitude changes. You can't compete with this, so don't take it personally. You're going to hurt for a while, I wish I could it will be different. Reconnect with your friends and family. Focus on the good stuff. I chose to run six miles a day and have lost 28 pounds and have gone out on dates. My support system is awesome. Stay away from alcohol. Aside from the hangovers, it causes extended bouts of depression as well. Don't contact her. Try and build your self-esteem by being around those who care. You're welcome to PM me if you ever need to chat.


06/23/2010 05:12 PM
beth314
Posts: 103
Member

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I had a similar situation. I had been living with my girlfriend, and the one day she said she was depressed and couldn't be in a relationship anymore. A week before we were talking about how long we would stay at our current place and what our own house would look like. I was floored. Since January I have to say, I have only had glimpses of the healthy her. She has no idea what she wants, and continuously cycles. I give her space when she needs it, but its been extremely hard and stressful. I want to help but I can't. For me I love her and am not going anywhere.Right now, she needs space again. I'm trying to focus on me.

You know the healthy her, and if you think she really loves you then she might be back. However, for me I need to know I trust her, if that breaks, I can't do it. I will go nuts. Also, if she does come back, figure out if you can handle the constant ups and downs. Use this time to educate yourself.

If you were happy with her then your relationship wasn't worthless. Her behavior has nothing to do with you. Just remember that. The fact you are on this site shows how much you care.


06/23/2010 05:37 PM
TheStranger
Posts: 7
Member

I've been reading around, and it looks like this is...standard, almost. Claiming to feel nothing, claiming it's been this way for a long time, sleeping with other people, maybe even developing "feelings" for people they just met and have little to nothing in common with...

This is all pretty textbook, isn't it?

The other thing I noticed is that after medication, a lot of them seem to almost 'wake up.'

How long does that take? What do I do if she does?

I mean...the fact of the matter is, the girl cheated on me. But her thought process at the time...She claims she'd already decided we were done (she was on a trip) and was going to break up with me as soon as she got home anyway, so it wasn't really cheating. This is bullshit, but...I can see how a manic mind could almost 'logically' work that through.

It's like dealing with an alien.

And if she doesn't come back? I don't really even know how to deal with that possibility. I need to know I mattered to her. That our entire relationship couldn't have meant so little to her that she could just drop it and then turn around and have fun with new friends. That's...I mean, nobody does that, right? Nobody normal? I at least need to hear that I mattered. That she cared.

This feeling of waiting until she gets medication or crashes is absolutely horrible. Does one usually get medications on one's first psychiatrist appointment? I'd hate to think she's going to go on like this for however long until the next one.

I'm sorry to vent like this. I just...well, honestly, as much as I've tried to research, I've never dealt with something like this before, and I don't have any idea what to expect, or how to deal. Thanks to everyone who's already posted...And any more advice, or just recounting of your own stories that're like my own is absolutely appreciated. Thank you.


06/23/2010 06:42 PM
writingthroughit

my boyfriend has never cheated on me i dont believe but he sure as hell seems to have the capeability sometimes. for example having a serious converstaion about if our relationship was going to last he checked out a girl and I dont mean like a wuick glance and done, I mean like aDAAAMMNNNN up and down for at least a good minute and a half. he continued to show me with his hands how her figure was, apparently straight with a great ass according to his demonstration, and his reasoning? her body is weird, yours is just perfect WTF really? I know this isnt the same but it realates and could lead into something you know? as for all your problems, im sorry and if this girl cheated on you throw her the hell out! shes not worth your time anyways im sure theres a million women that want a wonderful guy and she doesnt appreciate what she has. Stay stron! PM me if you would like Smile

06/23/2010 06:44 PM
rch
Posts: 2639
Senior Member

thestranger

Welcome to this place. I wish we did not have to be here, and that there was no such thing as bipolar. But, here we are. My husband has not cheated on me, but he has been intensely hurtful about sex in general. He has threatened to go to other women and called me down etc etc. It is so painful to be treated coldly, no matter if there is cheating or not. I feel betrayed by his actions, since I trusted him. I would not be surprised if he did cheat someday. I trust him, but I do not trust bipolar. Personally, I cannot accept cheating. I would not want him back, no matter how much I love him. and .. so true about not taking her personally. Hate the illness , and protect yourself and get on with your life. There are many healthy people out there.


06/23/2010 10:45 PM
Imnoangel
Imnoangel  
Posts: 1981
Senior Member

My husband was just like your girlfriend every 3 weeks. He cycles often. He would take off for days, then become depressed and want to come back home. (He never cheated as far as I know.)

I told him once if he comes home he MUST go to the doc or he just simply cannot come home. So, he did. That was sept 09. He has only taken off once (Feb I think) for 9 days b/c he was sneaking and not taking his meds. He got so suicidal that he planned his suicide out.... of course, this always followed a HUGE manic episode.

Things with us are really great and it can work if they get on the right meds.

He started the meds last sept and they slowly increased the dosage and added another med. I started noticing changes in about 2 weeks.. small ones. But, it was great.

By Thanksgiving he was wonderful and by Christmas he was like the old guy I fell in love with.

It can work. It just depends on if she takes meds and you can forgive the cheating part.

And yes, I agree they can take the most irrational thing and totally make it rational.. it is mind boggling.


06/23/2010 11:27 PM
Lena
LenaPosts: 578
Member

TheStranger, you put my thoughts into words. I experienced the same, but it was my husband who left after 20 years of marriage. Everything in our life was OK and then basically over night he lost all his feelings for me. It was like somebody had switched off a light. He replaced me with another woman and never looked back.

The most important thing for me now would be to hear from him that our marriage and our family mattered for him, that he did care, that our life was real. Without knowing this I feel like I didn't only lose our future together but also our past. The memories aren't the same any more. I need a closure, I really need to hear that I and our family were not worthless for him.


06/25/2010 04:38 AM
ennray
 
Posts: 277
Member

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your place, after 11 years mine up and left. I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy. My best piece of advise is to take care of yourself and stay here! You will find great comfort in knowing you are not alone in your situation!

Let her go for now. There is nothing that you can do. When they are like this, they have no emotional feelings or cannot rationalise.

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