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04/12/2010 06:52 PM

Sorry to butt in... just need some advice...(page 2)

Posts: 364

I would say right now to give him some time, and don't force the issue. I think the fact that he is going to therapy himself is actually a very good sign that he really hasn't given up totally yet.

Maybe give him some space for a little while, and then after he has been away from it he may be more willing and ready to try to save the marriage.


04/12/2010 06:55 PM
nat1977Posts: 210

Warhorse: Thank you Smile I'll mention it, though I'm 99% sure he will not do it... he's not much of an internet/message board guy. I think him going to therapy is already a HUGE step for him and I hope that it is a positive sign that at least he's willing to consider trying to work on the resentment and see if there's anything still there.

All I can do is keep fighting my own fight.

In the meantime, I will follow Lisa's advice and try to not talk to him when a trigger comes up. I know that's a mistake I've made often and it just can't be doing any good.

Thank you again for all of your advice. It has given me a lot to think about!

I wish everyone the very best of luck. If it's ok for me to stay here, let me know. I don't want to intrude into the group. I can't give advice from your side of things but I can give plenty of encouragement and I know that a lot of you are going through really difficult times right now.

I really wish more people with BP would just accept reality and deal with the illness... I don't really view it as something courageous, though... To me it just was a no-brainer. You have chronic illness, there's medication and treatment to help you, you take advantage of it. Type I diabetics need to take insulin for life. People with heart conditions often depend on their pills for life. And so on. And people with BP need to take medication to compensate for chemical deficiencies in the brain. THE END.

04/12/2010 07:03 PM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Nat: You are so right-on, and deserve to be here BIG TIME. Please hang out.... we need more BP people here on this forum to help the rest of us....

In the meantime, let him know we are here for him....

P.S. I'm 'feisty' too, and some people think I'm a real pain in the ass!!!

04/12/2010 07:09 PM
Posts: 685

I'm sure I speak for other people when I say, I would love you to stay. The funny thing is I think you and I have more in common as wives who want to make our marriages work. The fact that we are different sides of the BP should help make us stronger. We have so much to learn from each other. While I will never really be able to understand what it is like to live with such a complicated illness, you may never really understand what it is like to love someone who has an illness that is hard for them to understand themselves. Welcome and good luck!

04/12/2010 07:14 PM
Posts: 1981
Senior Member

I'm glad to have you here, Nat. You are also giving me hope and inspiration to keep fighting the good fight to get my husband stable. We had a rough weekend (I posted a discussion about it) and to be honest, your story has helped me.

I think you're a very strong person and you are to be admired. I'd love to get opinions from you. In fact, I'd love to have your opinion on the last discussion I posted. It's something like "Bad weekend... I'm getting depressed" or something to that nature.

I would LOVE to have your opinion on what you think about what's going on. You are not only needed, but appreciated.

Thank you for being our friend as well. Smile

04/12/2010 07:24 PM
schauPosts: 28


it's nice to hear you speak. i think my husband is in your situation, and i am in your husband's. we are separated, and i won't let him back home right now (or possibly ever). he never cheated or raged or anything, but he did make some unwise choices and then left a couple weeks ago.

he has since said that he made so many mistakes and wants to come back, but after the last year, in which he was very unstable, i am struggling to allow him.

from someone on the other side, it is so so difficult. for me, the biggest obstacle is the fear. we have a daughter that is heart broken over his leaving. i just can't imagine having this happen again. it's enough to make me stay away.

as much as i have struggled with breaking my vows, there is also a point where i have to do what's best for my kid.

i don't know what to tell you, except that it is EXTREMELY difficult to feel like a caretaker, even if it's on a smaller scale than it used to be. it's a daunting task, especially when you look at it as lifelong.

that probably doesn't sound super encouraging, but it's honest.

i applaud your efforts, and am curious to know how much different it is for you having been diagnosed and doing the hard work? how much do you feel like "yourself"?

04/12/2010 07:53 PM
nat1977Posts: 210


Thank you for your candor. I understand exactly what you mean... my husband has explained that to me as well, many a time, and trust me when I say that I completely understand it. In my defense, I will say that I was seeking help the entire time, and I just didn't know what was wrong, and neither did he... I just finally found out a few weeks ago and that was because I actually SELF-DIAGNOSED and then asked the doctors if they agreed. I even changed my tdoc as a result. But I completely understand why you and my husband have that fear and are so worn out and weary about going back to the same thing.

I'm sure your husband feels very defeated right now. Probably feels there's not much purpose to life. He's probably ruminating over every mistake he made, punishing himself for it emotionally, bring himself down even more. Thinking he's lost it all and it's all his fault. That he should have fought harder... that he should have had more willpower. That maybe you're right to keep him out, and he's just too far gone... that he's hopeless and you deserve better. And that he's a piece of sh*t for having lost the best thing that ever happened to him. At least this is what I felt over the months between my husband leaving and me getting diagnosed. It was hell inside my own head. I'm sure the fact that you have a child is adding a whole new layer of guilt there too.

How is he dealing with his illness? Is he/was he seeking treatment?

As to your question... for me, it's been a big relief to finally know what the heck is wrong. I'd had some suspicions, but no one thought I qualified because I never had true mania... I had to convince everyone that my periods of very high productivity (completing a 40 page wedding scrapbook in about 2 weeks, for example, or the 2-3 weeks I spend lesson-planning in the summer, sleeping during the day and staying up all night) are signs of hypomania.

The day I got 'official' and got my Lamictal starter pack, I talked to my husband, and he told me he'd always be there for me, that he wasn't going anywhere... We talked about how it was going to take time for me to see results but that I was finally on the road to getting better, that after all these years, finally something was actually gonna WORK. I started taking the pills the next morning, without hesitation. Like I said before, it's a no-brainer for me.

I thought I was strong enough to handle it, I'd prepared myself mentally for it, but that weekend I fell apart. I was up and down for the next couple of weeks. I started to get better after that, but I still was struggling with getting out there and pursuing interests, the whole self-improvement thing.

My attitude definitely changed in the last 3 weeks ago, once I reached a therapeutic dose... I just had to wait. I'm starting to come out of my shell. I still get depressed on occasion but it's different from before. Mostly, right now, I see glimpses of my old self... little things. Some changes in attitude... being more positive, more hopeful, more proactive about things... it's going to be a log process for me to be fully back to normal because this mess was created over a 4 year period... can't undo it in a month or two.

With my husband, I also understand that the breakdown of our marriage took 4 years to happen and can't be undone in a couple of months... that expecting him to come back is unreasonable right now. I just don't want him to give up on me, especially now that there's very reasonable hope for me.

04/12/2010 08:06 PM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Wow, Nat! You're so new at this.... Lamictal basically saved my husband from suicide.... just so you know, you can go way up on the dosage if need be. Hubby is at 150 mg. per day and I still don't think that's enuf....

Yours will come back when he wants to.... Four years? Have your husband contact me.... Mine went 10 years BEFORE diagnosis....Tongue (How do you think I got to be an old Warhorse??????)

04/12/2010 08:10 PM
Posts: 64


My fiance was also given Lamictal when they diagnosed him. I was at wits end just days ago before he started the 100s. He informed me the relationship was never going to be the same cause I ruined it in the beginning. I knew he was taking medicine but he was constantly coming unglued. We had four good days only to for me to watch him fall again. I understand where your husband is coming from. I think he still love you and wants you but became broken. It will work out if you stay strong

04/12/2010 08:27 PM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Stay strong, Lisa.... It is not the right med for everyone, but he may need an incresed dosage. Or even something else. Don't give up yet.

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