Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

What I realized is that I am making myself crazy trying to convince my husband to make healthier choices, when the truth is that I have absolutely no control over his choices.

I was scrambling to try to find him a new therapist today because he doesn't like his current therapist (and the others before him) because he's been told that he needs to be on a regular exercise and eating regimen, and that he needs to seek out support from other people, not just me. He wants to find a "Zen Master" therapist who just makes him all better.

And as I was making the phone calls and dealing with the insurance, it suddenly occurred to me that what I'm doing is totally not helpful. If he were incapacitated in some way and couldn't do the searching himself, that would be one thing. But he's totally capable of it. Just like he's totally capable of going to the many bipolar support groups available to him, and eating regular meals, and exercising everyday.

It hurt me to realize this, because it's much easier to believe that if I just work a little harder or call a few more therapists, something will change in him. But the truth is that he has every possible resource available to him. My company has even offered to send him to a 30-day mood disorder clinic (that would normally cost almost $20,000), and we would only have to pay $1,500. But as long as he refuses to do what his doctors and therapists tell him, nothing is going to change.

In a weird way, it brought me a lot of peace to realize this. It's not that I don't care or won't support him in his recovery process. It's just that I need to accept that many, many parts of this process are entirely up to him. And even if the really heartbreaking reality is that he just can't make healthier choices... sadly I can't change that, either.

Post edited by: WARHORSE, at: 04/09/2010 09:29 PM

Trying to be the everything in our spouses lives is exhausting no matter what the reason.

Suzy, I totally repect your light bulb moment. There does come a time when you realize that these are adults and they do need to make their own decisions and choices.

Unfortunately for me at this point if I try this I know hubby will go off meds. Then I will divorce him. So, I guess I'll do this for another 30 years until he is too old to run off. hee hee Then I will say (in granny voice) "get your own pills ya ole faht!"

I agree with everything you've said here I think you're on the right track.

Damsel

i have also recently realized this. it has been very liberating, while also scary. since i won't let him come home, or even consider continuing our marriage unless he begins to do the work to get healthy, there is a very good chance that nothing will change and the marriage will end. but it's not our fault. it's not my fault.

it feels good to say that out loud.