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04/08/2010 07:08 PM

How do I keep doing this?

sue19
sue19Posts: 41
Member

Hello All - I am new to this support group. I am trying to find a way to talk

with others and get advice on how to deal with my bipolar husband.

To sum up our relationship - we have been together for almost 7 years. We got

married last year and have been married for 10 months now. WOW WHAT A RIDE!

When I met him, he had just come home from living out of town, he worked in an

area that he got caught up in the wrong crowd and became an alcoholic and was

abusing cocaine. He came home, got rehab and was clean for 3 years. After 3

years, he started drinking again. Our relationship ended for about 9 months - I

couldn't deal with it. I do not drink and do not want a spouse that does, for

religious and many other reasons. I've seen it destroy too many families. We

kept in touch while we weren't together and once he quit drinking we got back

together. AFter we got married, I soon learned after investigating his

behavior, moods and the fact that our bank account kept being drained, that he

had a drug problem again. This time, he was abusing prescription pain

medications. Once again, I refuse to live with it. I tried to get him help

along with his parents. After he lied to me and everyone else for MONTHS, he

has finally decided to come clean and get help. He has been off the pills now

for only 3 months. I pray that I don't have to go through that again, however,

know there is always a good chance it could happen again. Instead of rehab, he

decided to just seek close medical care and goes regularly to counseling. He

suffers a lot (and always has) from severe mood swings, depression and anxiety.

He is on medications for all of them, and his counselor did some tests with him

and he has a bipolar disorder and some ADD symptoms. (The bipolar thing I have

always wondered about.)

Here is a little about my situation. He is in his 30's and WAY TOO CLOSE with

his parents. Basically, he relies on them for just about everything. Now I

understand being close to your parents, but there is a time to draw the line.

When he was coming off the pills a few months ago, he left home to be with

them. He stayed there for 2 months, completely shut me out, and would not

contact me, respond to me, or anything. His parents and I don't have the best

relationship in the world. He is an only child - they see no wrong in him - and

since they are well-off financially, they seem to think that I am with him for

the wrong reasons, and will clearly tell me and him that. They have nothing to

do with me unless they "need" something - like to check in on him to see what he

is doing or try to find him if they can't get in touch with him, etc. While he

was having withdrawals and trying to come clean, I consistently tried contacting

him by phone, text and email. NOTHING. So maybe it was wrong of me to not go

to his parents home to see him, but they have never made me "welcome" there, and

I felt hurt by him leaving me and shutting me out and not letting me be there

for him in this process. I have told him I was sorry for not coming to check on

him, but I felt that since he is 30-something, I shouldn't have to go through

his parents to talk to him. One day he is okay with my apology and understands -

knowing that they haven't made much effort to change the way they are - but the

next, he is IRATE AND FURIOUS at me, and brings it up as a way to just hurt me

and make me feel like crap about the situation.

After a couple months, he came home. Home to me, and to my daughter, who is

almost 11.

Here is where the bipolar issues I am dealing with come in to play - (although I

think they have been there all along, I just didn't recognize them)

I feel like everything I do, I have to do just right. Every little thing I say,

has to be just right. If I'm not in a good mood, he gets mad. If my daughter

isn't in a good mood or has a bad day at school, he gets mad. He is so jealous

if I leave the house to take her to a practice for sports, or for me to go to

class. He makes me feel guilty for working! I try to include him in everything

I do - church, practices, when we have to go out of town, but it's not good

enough.

Every time he gets mad at me, he leaves - goes to his Mom and Dad's house. If

he gets mad at them, he leaves and comes home.

If he does something that I ask him about, and I try to calmly just sit and talk

to him about it and tell him how I feel - he gets mad. He starts cussing and

yelling and goes into rage and turns the blame around on me, when it was never

my problem to begin with.

He constantly tells me that I don't make room for him in my life - when all I do

is try to cater to his needs and feelings. I try to look past EVERYTHING. I

bite my tongue and hold back so that it won't cause an argument. I can't talk

to him about how I feel about anything, he just gets mad and shuts me out, and

leaves.

If I want to calmly talk to him abou tsomething bothering me, he gets mad. He

wont' let me talk to him - period. He will bring up something that was

supposedly "resolved" months or even YEARS ago and throws it in my face putting

me down, tells me how awful I am.

We have been on trips together and he will get mad at me and go to the airport

and fly back home, then he won't even let me know if I try to call him to see if

he made it home okay, doesn't answer, won't hear from him for days.

One minute he is saying that he agrees with his counselor that he needs to

realize that my daughter and I are his family now and put us first, get out from

underneath the control of his parents, and everything is fine. The next minute,

he is mad at me again, and runs to them saying that I just hate them and they

are his only family. He is verbally abusive to me, and the stress from this

relationship is getting to the point that it feels unhealthy. I have lost 30

lbs of weight that I didn't even have to lose in the first place. I feel like I

am putting my daughter in a bad situation.

I could keep on and keep on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I

need some help. I don't know if there is any hope at this point. I love him so

much, but the hurt is almost unbearable at this point.

Please...

help.

Reply

04/08/2010 07:22 PM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Sue: He is not stable... and until he is, things won't get any better.... Are you involved with his treatment with his pdoc?

04/08/2010 08:02 PM
sue19
sue19Posts: 41
Member

I am not currently involved but that is the plan. He didn't start going to his counseling until after he quit taking the pills. She was trying to help him and find the root of some of his problems before I started going with him. I am supposed to start going whenever his next appt is but we hve had to cancel the last two for him being sick. I am trying to hold on so we can start counseling together. I feel that is our only hope at this point. But it's so hard.

I get so tired of being yelled at and blamed for everything. He goes into like rage and then doesn't even know what he says when the argument is over! Acts like nothing ever even happened.


04/08/2010 08:35 PM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Sue: Been there, done that. Heard all that crap before, too... Go with him, and then decide what lines you want to draw in the sand....

I refuse to listen to this crap anymore (read my earlier posts where I loan out my earplugs), especially knowing that if he is on meds it won't happen any more????


04/08/2010 10:09 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11198
VIP Member

Sue, am not quite as armored as my friend Warhorse, but here are some questions I would ask you so we can best help here. [And maybe I am just not able to read your post so well--my eyes are bad, so things out of the ordinary are hard for me.]

1. What meds are your SO on? It seems he is on meds for anxiety and depression, but not a mood stabilizer? That is a recipe for much pain for you.

2. Just for me, but I think a few others here will agree, can you separate out your in-law issues from his issues? Not saying they are not the problem or part of the problem--I am just saying that you gave us a data dump Smile that was pretty big. You clearly have had so much going on for so long and it seems to have exploded in your post here.

So give us more info? And sorry you are going through this.

Hang in there.


04/09/2010 05:34 AM
sue19
sue19Posts: 41
Member

marriedtoit:

I wish I could tell you for sure what meds he is on. Since he is never here!!!!!....I am not certain. I know he is taking Cymbalta, Nuvigil and Xanax. My understanding WAS that one of those was for his bipolar disorder, but after looking them up in more detail, I don't believe any of them are for the bipolar. If he IS taking meds for bipolar, then I am unaware of the 4th medication he is taking. Obviously, at this point, I feel that if he is indeed takings meds for bipolar, they are not working!

What exactly do you mean, can I separate out my in-law issues from his issues? Do you mean, can I get over the issue with them? Or do you mean is there a relationship between the two?

..... either way here is my reply -- I have told my husband time and time again that what his parents have done to me in the past can be worked through and that it hurts me that we dont' have a good relationship. Family to me is and always has been, very important! I would like nothing more than to have a good relationship with them, however, they are the type of people that try to BUY love. That doesn't fly with me. To me, love is about emotional support, care, and understanding. It is about spending time with each other and trying to work through issues together to bring you closer. Instead - they only come to me IF they need something. For example: when the drug problem was an issue, before we knew about it, his mother would come to me or call me just to ask what was going on. She would cal wanting to know why he wouldn't get out of bed and why he wasn't at work. (they work together - another problem). She would call asking me about his business account and finances, wanting to know where money was going, when I had never seen the money go in the account in the first place. When I would find pills on him, I would try to go to them for help - they are/were both in the medical profession - I felt that they could help since he, for whatever reason, goes to them for everything. Basically they have told me to leave him, they have come to our home and blamed me for his problem, they have called me to confront me about things that have been said between my husband and I that are none of their business, they have blamed me for not having a good relationship with them when from the time my husband and I got married I have made many many comments to my husband about us trying to do more with them so we could get along, have a good relationship, and so forth - he jus tnever took me up on it. He acts as though he doesn't want us to get along. He uses us against the other. He goes and tells them ALL OUR PROBLEMS, all of our arguments, and then when he comes home to me, he does the same to me, telling me about things they have said to him and this and that. So it's like a constant war/struggle. He tries to make them hate me, tries to make me hate them. Does that make sense? Like I said, I am willing to do whatever it takes to have a good relationship with them, but they have nothign to do with me, they have made it clear where I stand in their lives and have told me many times that everything is my problem - I feel that it is THEIR place to come to me. Now I may need to swallow my pride a little on this one, but its just so hard to be beat up by someone that barely knows you for years and years and just tear down that wall. I have never said anything ugly to either of them, and have never been ANYTHING but nice to them, even when they have said hurtful things to my face.

As far as the other - if there is a relationship between the two problems. DEFINITELY! His parents are very controlling. He is an only child. They try to control everything in his life, from what he does for a job, where he lives, the kind of car he drives, what doctor he goes to see, what medications he takes, when he has to work, etc. The house we live in is theirs, it was a "gift" but it is constantly held over our heads like they will take it away if he doesn't do as they want him to do. His counselor has told him (as I have tried to for years) that he needs to buy his own house and get out from their control completely - moving would help, him working without his mother would help, him actually WORKING and finding a job without her so he CAN WORK and make money so HE CAN PAY HIS OWN BILLS (YES!!!!) would help. He has NO responsibility. Since his parents are well-off, he uses that completely to his advantage. He takes money from them, has them pay his bills for him, anytime he wants something he just goes and buys it, and then will say, if I can't pay for it, they will. So are they a problem? Definitely! BUT ---- just as they have a problem, he has ALLOWED THEM to be the problem! He won't stand up to them or separate himself from them. He runs to them if he is mad at me, he runs to them if things aren't going right, he runs to them if he needs money, etc. Since he tells them all of our problems and every detail of our relationship, they always think they are entitled to their input and opinion. So it's a battle here also - while his counselor is telling him, Hey - you need to get away, draw some boundaries, get out from their control because your wife and her daughter are your main priority now - he will agree with her for awhile, he will live with that in his head for about a week, and things will be great..... but then, he just gets angry for the smallest thing again, and will run back to his mom and dad's house and the cycle starts all over again. If he could get away from his parents (and I don't mean completely, they ARE his parents) but get away from them enough so that he can to have some self-esteem, establish some self-worth, and not rely on them for EVERYTHING (which drives me absolutely insane) then I think that he and I could concentrate more on "us" and his health and issues and our marriage to get it where it needs to be.

I know that is probably another "data dump" and I'm sorry - I'm just trying to explain the situation. There is so much detail.


04/09/2010 06:01 AM
Beachygirl
Beachygirl  
Posts: 125
Member

Hi Sue-

It is sad any of us have to go through this. I have and am in the same situation. My hubby was diagnosed last year, but chooses to live in denial and left us 6 months ago.

I am to blame for all the problems in his life. He accepts no responsibility for his actions-which include homelessness, drug abuse, infidelity and gambling excessive amounts of money.

I hung on and tolerated his life because i believed in him and after 19 years of marriage never believed he would lie to me. What I have had to do is file for divorce in order to keep this garbage out of our daughter's lives. IT has torn me out of my frame as i am still in love with this once wonderful man. I have realized, however, that he will never be the same man and perhaps too much has happened to go forward.

Only you can know when it is time to move on. This group has been a lifesaver and I encourage you to use us to listen and bounce thoughts off of. Feel free to PM me if I can help at all!

Can't say that it has gotten any easier after 6 months, but am still hopeful it willSmile


04/09/2010 07:47 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16951
VIP Member

G-i-r-l, I'm feeling you on this one!

We must be soul sisters here or living with the same man.

You aren't dealing with a man you are dealing with a child over there. I have to say I think your counselor is doing a fantastic job and being diplomatic, mine came right out and told me I was dealing with the mentality of a child.

You can look at a nature versus nurture theory here and supposedly bipolar is hereditary but his parents are not helping this man any by letting him be so dependent on them at all. He has no accountability whatsoever if he can just run to them and have them bail him out.

I believe your husband wants to keep you and his parents at odds, he can work you that way. If you have a relationship together then you can work together and know the truth and have higher expectations of him and he doesn't want that-so the way to get the most out of both of you is to make you hate each other. To claim the victim and run to either of you telling the sob story of how evil your actions are and getting the support and coddling he needs whenever he needs it. Wow this guy has it made only he is miserable so whatever joy he finds in this is short term for sure.

I have lived through much of what you are going through and it just isn't worth it. I would never do it again and especially not having a 12 year old daughter. He will do what he can to come between you and just living with the turmoil robs you of a peaceful life.

It's ridiculous to have to live under that type of stress of not knowing how to say the right thing-does he say the right things all the time? What gives him the audacity to expect it of others?

I think you've been wise to stay away from in laws. I have gotten no where with mine. They desired to treat me as a child just as they do husband. I was a working woman and it didn't work for me. I demanded their respect and at that point they weren't interested in a relationship. They want to do things their way and at their time and are not interested much in planned organized get togethers that work for both families-it's their way or the highway and even then it's chaos.

My husband's parents don't have money and I was easier to be around than they were -they fight like cats and dogs so by default when he wasn't on the run he spent more time here but he lets money run through his fingers like water and has wanted always to take out second mortgages on the home to have more cash flow. I put my foot down on that one. He even had mother in law call me and try to convince me and I shut them up by suggesting they take the second mortgage out on their house instead. Husband looked at me like he wanted to hurt me when I did that? Oh well-why should I always have to take responsibility for his irresponsibility. They think he doesn't have a problem? Let them start having to deal with some of the reality of it and see how fast they change their outlook and think all his spending is just wonderful and claim how much he needs outlets.

I wasn't as nice as you but I have four kids with this man so maybe it put me on edge. Blink Also he gave me the opportunity when he threatened to bash the kids in to take mother in law on-I was up in the woman's face asking her what in the heck was wrong with this family and I saw her eyes change color so fast it about freaked me out! She then said she hadn't heard husband's side of the story yet (yes he had lied his way out of most previous incidents obviously and she doubted my credibility) she announced she'd be calling me later to let me know what she finds out about that incident and I looked her straight in the eye and told her there was no need for her to call me that I knew what was said and had no reason to hear about their conversation. I promptly left and our relationship I think has an unspoken understanding now.

It takes a long while and many incidents for some of us spouses and so's to finally reach our limit.

Some people are really smart and don't even pursue relationships like these somehow they just know it's not for them and want different things in life and from a relationship.

I think you will get to a point on your own where things seem clearer to you. Either there will be some type of breakthrough and things will improve a bit to where you know you can stay, or things will not improve at all or get worse and you will know it's over.

Also in some cases the bipolar spouse does leave and sometimes that makes it easier from a standpoint that you don't have to make the decision.

I have kicked mine out twice. It did make a difference whether it will be long lasting is yet to be seen.

The first time was where he did lose it and threatened to bash the kids heads in. The second he refused to give me money for groceries and I kicked his butt out of here and called his parents and told them to come and get him, that he had his head shoved so far up his ass he couldn't see straight. Warhorse is right when she says this disorder will turn you into a tough bitch.

Anyway we are willing to work with you and talk with you through this and we have no expectations as far as you doing anything drastic. Many of us are just on this roller coaster for an indefinite time period it seems.

I realize these folks are sick with a mental disorder-but honestly you can't let your spouse ruin your life-no person has that right.

It sounds like whether your partner addresses his bipolar disorder or not he needs to start making some better life choices if he wants to be able to maintain a relationship. Much of these actions are just relationship killers-no one can be expected to tolerate these type of actions.

It's not what life or marriage is about to have one person take advantage of the other like that.

Damsel


04/09/2010 08:09 AM
rch
Posts: 2639
Senior Member

A husband and father has to take responsibility. It is wrong to go against his wife and kids and run to his parents. It is so destructive.

I think the question if the inlaws and the marriage problems can be separated a bit is a valid one. I know it must seem like there is no way it is separate.

But here is the thing :

Your husband is not properly diagnosed or treated. He will not behave in any normal way whatsoever, until that happens. And if and when it does? It can still be a roller coaster. It is just that there is no way it can work without the treatment.

Right now, your husband is not taking responsibility for his illness. Personally, I would absolutely not live with an untreated bp husband. NO way. My life is way too precious for the pain.

Yes, your in laws are nut jobs with codependence issues. Yes they have treated you badly. Yes they are no help at all to your husband. Yes they have weak morals and values.

But by focussing on them so much, you distract yourself from the real issue. Your husband is mentally ill and not properly treated. It would be the one and only focus I would have, if I were in your shoes. That is, if I intended to stay at all.

Now about how mad he is and how sorry you are that you did not see him when he was hiding under their apron strings? What the H are you sorry about? They did not let you in!!! He did not let you in!!! It had nothing to do with you.

I would stop being sorry for that.

I hope you get some clarity and peace of mind. I hope you can find a peaceful place for your daughter, who is learning to take crap from a man as she witnesses this whole situation. I always think of the children .. they do not need to expereince this.

I do wish you peace.


04/09/2010 04:40 PM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Sue: You aren't even sure what meds he's on???? Let him go home and let his MOMMA take care of him. He's not an adult male/man, maybe an adolescent at best...

You can't fix this, and once they're dead, he will be your sole responsibility. Unless and until he's willing to address his issues, he will be your boy-child forever.. Is this what you want?????

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