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02/22/2010 12:47 PM

Positive Contact?


Has anyone had positive contact after their SO ran away?

Its been almost a month since my husband left, and I havent really heard from him.

I am debating whether or not to send him an email and its so HARD! This could result in negative reactions from him... right?

confused... Sad


02/22/2010 03:42 PM
Posts: 393

No saying if you reaching out will have a positive or negative result so prepare yourself either way. It is usually best to let your SO contact you. Some people do get positive responses after SO runs away, it really varies on the person. Take a chance, make it light and no pressure. Good luck

02/23/2010 07:01 PM
bethb2004Posts: 813

I had a positive response after eight months of no contact after a mutual split. My spouse was on his medication at the time he contacted me though. My question is this, do you really want him back? I'm sorry to ask this, but at the point I am at right now, I'm regretting ever having let mine back into my life.

02/23/2010 10:38 PM
Posts: 277

I have had positive contact but I have to be prepraed for what I will and wont discuss. I never bring up the relationship or tell him I love and miss him. That would only be setting myself up for rejection. I keep the conversation brief and talk about day to day general things. I also don't discuss his bipolar unless he brings it up. I have found that by sticking to this then I can have a very positive discussion with him. You may be thinking but that is not dealing with the real issue, but the truth is he cannot deal with the real issues at this present time. I always leave him with something too so he has something to come back with eg'I am here if you need to talk etc".

02/23/2010 11:12 PM
Posts: 11541
VIP Member

I am sorry you all are going through this. Hang in there.

02/24/2010 09:36 AM
Posts: 121

I get from my spouse that she wishes I would leave or wants me to move on but I have not had an issue with running off? I am wondering if there is a guideline to follow that has been developed by a mental health doc? Like really the thought of a loved one running off leads me to the impression that there is a major flaw in the way a BP sufferer is receiving treatment?

What caused your spouse to leave? Do they leave for the same reason everytime?

02/24/2010 10:28 AM
Posts: 8

I'm just going to chime in here - don't know if maybe I should have started a new thread - but this here is exactly what I'm struggling with. I'm new to all this, introduce myself last week. My husband is just starting medication, and indicates he plans to stay in therapy and on meds. He hasn't resumed drinking, etc. All steps in the right direction. However, he continues to go back and forth about me, about us, about wanting to leave me and our two little ones, and date around ("do my thing" he says) and when he gets into this mode, he is really nasty. I suggested that he run these thoughts by his counselor at his weekly session, but who knows if tonight isn't the night that he runs off and cheats. It seems like it takes all my strength and effort just to keep him from running. What is this - why do they want to run? I'm feeling for everyone who's posted, who's currently separated from their bipolar so. Because I can't imagine living without mine, but the thought of continuing to live with him is hard, too.

02/24/2010 08:05 PM

For me my spouse runs when he is confronted with something or has to take responsibility for something. Its like he cant take on responsibility so the easiest thing to do is run. This time it was because I am pregnant..(another responsibility)

I am always walking on eggshells around him.. didnt want to confront him or ask him about something in a fear of "triggering" a run.

I think that every BP is different in the way they cycle. I think some are runners.. and others are not. I would love for my husband not to be a runner... but thats just the way it is.

I wonder how he would handle things if he didnt run sometimes.. maybe he would be abusive? Or suicidal? I dont know.

I can tell you this though... when he runs.. I get the worst of it.

10/22/2011 12:39 PM
Posts: 144

I don't know what's up with me... I've become almost obsessed with reading on this forum. All of the stories are so interesting in how they echo each other and my own. I have attained a wealth of knowledge about the comings and goings of what it's like to be married to this disease. And I must say, I have a very difficult time finding any information on here that is positive. There seems to be so much unfair pain and suffering while the bp spouse always seems to land on their feet. And here I am, kicked out of the house (that her dad owns) by my bp major manic (not happy manic but furious manic) wife and being told there is no hope for any reconciliation and we're getting divorced. I haven't seen her in a week and a half, I've barely spoken to her at all and she has made no effort to contact me. Because it's been so long since we've spoken and she's had a decent amount of time to cool down I really don't know how she currently feels about things.

But my problem is why would I even care? My therapist says it's normal to do what I'm doing which is to go back and forth between sadness and wanting my wife to come back around and just complete frustration with her and ready to just throw in the towel, for my sake! These stories scare the hell out of me! I mean, who knows what the hell she's up to back at home. Is she messing around, is she still blaming me for anything, is she remorseful, is she ashamed, is she gonna give up cause it's too much for her to fix this...? Wish I knew!! What I also wish I knew is why in the world I just don't say "F*** this!" and do my own thing. I'm 2 hours away from where we live but where I'm at now has been the area I've lived in for the last 10 years before I moved to where she lives. I like it up here way more, I could start my own business up here because it's got a much better market for what I do, my friends are all up here, I could find a decent living situation up here and I can picture myself being happy.

I think it was gypsymermaid who said that leaving is part of the recovery. I get that. My friends and family don't like her for what she's done and is doing to me and our marriage and they want nothing to do with her. I tried to protect her as long as I could, but eventually I needed to reach out to my support network because I was so overwhelmed and helpless.

I don't really even want to move back in down there with the way she is right now (cause I can't even picture it the way it used to be), I think it would be a lil awkward, at least for a little while, and the offer isn't even on the table anyway. and if we worked it out and seems like inevitably it'll happen again and I'll be right back here so why not just pull the plug now? We've only been married for 3 months and it's pretty much sucked the whole time cause she got pregnant right away and has since miscarried. But I can't help wanting to work it out! I can't help thinking that if I tell her it's ok to need space but we don't need to get divorced cause of it. Tell her I know that she's overwhelmed with the intensity of her emotions and that I'll be there for her when it subsides. But I don't even know if she's still furious with me or not! I feel like I know better than to try and fix this with her, especially when that she be reversed. But why do I continue to try!! I know it's cause the miscarriage and pregnancy are the source of this episode and the rage within her, even tho she thinks it's all me (which is ludicrous and so f'n frustrating) and I hope to god that she will come back around and we can avoid all this in the future by not getting her pregnant.

Here I am about to send her a text with a pic of a kitty at my buddy's house thats hanging out inside a cooler. I guess I've got to test the waters somehow to see where I'm at with her... I sent her a get well ecard the other day saying that I'm here for her no matter what. No response, didn't expect one really. She just can't think about me right now, I get that, I'm trying to love her from afar, but I'm afraid that she might still want to get divorced for no good reason really... and I'm mad at myself for even be remotely willing to put up with what she's put me through. It's unhealthy and it's unfair to me and our marriage. But yet I push on...I don't understand myself anymore in this. Sorry, I needed to vent. I feel like I do all the research here to try and convince myself that this is no way to live and that I'm going to lose her eventually one way or another (physically or emotionally). it's so emotionally draining and i can see how things can get even worse based on your stories. I have a chance to move on, relatively unscathed. Divorce lawyer said it should be easy, we have no joint property or bank accounts. To be honest I've only known her for 6 months. We rushed into getting married (obviously regrettable). But I knew she was bp, we talked about it, she said she knew how irresponsible it was for her to be off meds. then boom, she' pregnant, off meds with raging hormones. And she says that she's been thinking about this for awhile. But only did she not want to be with me once the perfect storm of no meds and hormones and whatnot. She withdrew so much that she became impossible to talk to, a shell of who she was before. barely recognizable, never smiled, nothing fun, just sit in the bed all day everyday and watch tv and think about how all of a sudden she doesn't want to be with me anymore and bites me head off for things such as making her a cake or buying her a gift certificate to coach, just weird stuff to get pissed about.

again I apologize, I've got to vent this stuff somewhere and I hope to get some feedback from the bp spouse seniority right now. If you think I should bail then lay it on me, I need to hear it. Cause I want to stay, and that just seems ridiculous. I want her to come back around SO bad, but based on how things are going it doesn't seem possible. she hates me, and maybe cause we haven't been together so long I should just believe her, even though I know she loved me before all this happened and there's a major catalyst for her change. hope y'all are having a good day.

10/22/2011 01:02 PM
sososad51Posts: 2438
VIP Member

Vac, she is not taking responsibilty for her recovery. You have only known her for 6 months. Not long enough to see all the patterns in her behavior. You haven't experience all her cycles. I'm afraid right now, what you see is what you get. Is this the marriage you pictured? You have the chance to start fresh, have a happy life up there. Leave this relationship unscathed, at least financially. It might take years for her to get stability. Do you really want to wait it out? I feel for you. Hugs. We will support any thing you decide.

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