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02/05/2010 08:34 AM

sometimes i wish i was the one with bipolar

breakthecycle
breakthecyclePosts: 165
Member

he's the most wonderful man when he's level. then he turns into this monster. this is not who he wants to be, and not who i fell in love with. i always knew the monster was there, and that the wonderful, caring, gentle, loving person he is gets consumed and overshadowed when the monster comes out. i hate this. i hate bipolar. i hate that there's no cure. in some ways, i think we suffer and battle more with bipolar than the people who have it. i wish i could go manic and shut off all my feelings and act recklessly and hurt him without a care. i do not want to offend anyone who is BP. but this is the reality of what the significant others feel.

i've been mentioning lately that my BP guy has been opening up to me and making a lot more effort to talk this week. sometimes i wonder how good that is for me. he tells me he still loves me. he also tells me he is interested in someone else and has been flirting. he doesn't know if he wants a relationship with her. he tells me he is tired of failing in a relationship with me. he says he is lost and doesn't know what he's doing or feeling.

the person he's interested in is a college student. my guy is 30. what's he thinking? i remind him it's nothing more than a distraction, a way for him to flirt and feel good about himself and thrive off the positive energy and excitement. we've been through this before. i remind him that he always crashes and comes crying to me with promises of getting help. he hates himself.

i got angry with him. she has a boyfriend. he knows his interest in her makes no sense. he tells me her personality makes him cringe. but what is he doing? this is not the person he wants to be. why can't he take control of himself and go to the doctor and get medicated? why won't he stop hurting me? why talk to me and open up his heart and soul and pour every bit of his sadness onto me and then run off and give the good stuff to someone else?

i've been reading "loving someone with bipolar disorder". we were talking about getting together and working on some of the exercises and coming up with a mood management plan together. why should i even bother? he's not himself and he's not taking the steps to change. i've put in all this effort and time and love over the past 5 years... and i should help him get healthy to be with someone else?

he wants a fresh start. he wants someone who doesn't know his faults, where he can start over and try harder. why not try harder for me? it hurts.

i am just venting and sharing my pain and anger. i know i will get through this and i will still hope for him to get medicated. i want to help him because i love him. and i do believe once he is healthy he could stabilize and consistently love me.

i compiled a long email with many of the cries for help he's given me over the past five years. excerpts from conversations. there are so many more, but going through and finding them takes a lot out of me. it also reminds me how desperate he is and how much he hurts and struggles because of this. this is why my angry post turns into a sad one. i just want the man i love to get better. i sent him the email and suggested he read it and face the fact that this needs to stop, he needs to get medicated. i don't know if he will listen or read it. i just have to hope i can somehow get through to him.

it's been 5 weeks since i've seen him now. i don't want to have to recover from yet another manic mistake he makes. i want him to see what he's doing and what he needs to do. argh. i feel like sending the email compilation out to friends to try to help. i feel like sending it to this girl and to the others to make them understand. i know it would do no good, and would only hurt everything more. i'm just saying. i feel so desperate.

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02/05/2010 08:43 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16968
VIP Member

He needs appropriate feedback.

You need to tell him that you love him and desire a relationship with him but... what is he thinking bringing up other women to you? How dare he? Bipolar or no bipolar that is just wrong. That hurts you-I would be hurt by that.

What about you?

I can see you are hurting and I would be too anyone would be in this situation.

Are you seeing a pattern here he only seems to be able to maintain a relationship for a short time and then he can't seem to handle it any longer.

I'd love to be positive and tell you to hang in there with him but I want you to take care of yourself!!

Love yourself! Be a little selfish!

You don't deserve this at all you put up with a lot with him and for what? He isn't giving you any credit at all.

And maybe it's more of a commitment issue than a bipolar issue some people and men in particular really have difficulty with this either way, ouch this hurts.

Damsel


02/05/2010 10:37 AM
breakthecycle
breakthecyclePosts: 165
Member

damsel - i know it's crazy, but we've always told each other everything. our relationship started out as best friends, and we were always confidants for each other. this included discussing other relationships before we were together as a couple, and during the times where we broke up for extended periods. i really do prefer full disclosure. i'm really trying to take care of myself and keep strong. i also feel like i'm about to lose him even more to self destruction, so i'm scared. desperate, really. i swear when he's level, he does give me credit for all of this, and it does make it worth it. but i need him to get medicated and stay level (or closer to it) consistently. i can't take this cycle anymore.

02/05/2010 11:08 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16968
VIP Member

I'm sorry you're going through this.

We're here for you whichever way this goes.

Damsel


02/05/2010 11:36 AM
breakthecycle
breakthecyclePosts: 165
Member

i don't know if he's rapid cycling or what. one day he tells me how worthless and guilty he feels, the next day he's angry. today he tells me we broke up because we were fighting. i asked him for examples of our "fighting". he's making stuff up and bringing things up from the past. it's so strange, like he's rewriting history in order to justify this. i have no idea which way this will go, but it's definitely tough to be suspended during his swing.

02/05/2010 11:41 AM
pjgirl

It is tough. Try to focus on you not him right now. Let him go thru whatever he is going thru but stay positive about yourself. Im sorry for your pain.

02/05/2010 11:50 AM
ennray
 
Posts: 277
Member

I imagine that he really does love you, it is just difficult for him to express in the right way. My guy (11 years) has told me all the same things. I was the blame for everything. That hurt. He left and guess what.... same thing is happening in his life (turns out its not me after all)! As hard as it is, I would try your best not to engage in these conversations. Therapy proved that what my partner was saying to me, was in fact what he felt inside about everything. e.g He said he felt nothing for me, no loves etc. He laso said he felt flat, had no emotions etc. He is on meds. I think the way they htalk is obviously a refelction of what they feel inside.

No matter where they go or the situation their pattern of behaviour will always be the same. Right now he just has you to blame.


02/05/2010 11:51 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16968
VIP Member

I can never figure it out either breakthecycle I often tell others what he has said and see if they can figure it out.

I hate that being in limbo feeling too it sucks.

We're hear for ya vent away-sometimes it does help.

Oh but my husband has said that very same exact thing before that he thinks he just wants to start fresh with someone else. I think the history here bothers him as much as me if not more. He must feel some guilt and feels in a way it is irreparable or something. I think in many ways I am often more willing to just go on and forget the negative more than he is.

Damsel

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 02/05/2010 11:52 AM


02/05/2010 11:55 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16968
VIP Member

I agree with ennray and feel you need to hear us say it that this is not your fault. You are so supportive and loving he is lucky to have you.

Damsel


02/05/2010 12:15 PM
broken33
broken33  
Posts: 393
Member

I heard those same things from my SO all the time. Most of the mean or hateful things your SO says about you he actually feels about himself and most of the things he accuses you of are actually things that he himself is doing, my ex actually told me that once when not in an episode. Of course once he entered into another episode all that changed, rewriting history is very common. Good luck.
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