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10/17/2012 02:50 PM

Pregnant wife, bipolar husband... HELP

Posts: 1
New Member

My husband and I found out I was pregnant 7 months ago. We dated for a year before, then decided to get married so our child can have an almost normal life. I've known about his bipolar disorder and I want to help him.

The thing is, he's constantly putting me down, stressing me out, making me cry, blaming everything on me, and pretty much running my life. He's talked to girls over various websites and text messages. He says I'm not affectionate enough, but do you honestly think after everything he's said to the girls i'd be affectionate at all? He's said that our relationship wasn't anything importnat to him, he doesn't know why he's with me, and I make his life miserable. I've never talked to any men during our relationship, I don't even talk to my male friends i've had before meeting him. He's very jealous.. I am too after he's talked to girls and whatnot. For example, after working my 12 hour shifts at the local hospital, he's almost convinced that I'm seeing a doctor or talking to guys. In reality, when I'm at work, I'm working. I'll get bruises and bumps on my arms and legs because I do hit them on random things through the day, then he'll ask where they came from and if I'm sure of that. Uh, duh. The first thing he asks for is my phone to go through my recent calls, messages, and my Facebook. If I were to ask for his phone, all hell would break loose. He will yell and yell until he gets his way. He used to not be this bad in his episodes. It used to be probably.. once every two weeks, and now it's every day or every other day.. I'm sick of it..

He won't take his meds either. He says they make him "too tired to do anything". All he does while at home is sleep, eat everything, play on the computer, or play xbox. We've tried changing them 2-3 times, but the same thing keeps happening. I told him that it is very imporant that he takes his meds like he's supposed to. He'll say you don't know what you're talking about, you don't know what I'm going through, blah blah. I do not know what he's going through or what's going on in his head. I tell him he needs to talk about it and I'm here to help him. He never wants to talk about it.. I just want to help him.. I just want him to be happy..

He will yell at me for things I've never done, call me stupid, worthless, and every curse word under the sun. Then make it out to be all my fault. I'm 33 weeks pregnant, I really don't need that stress. I've yelled back once, just once. And he immediately called me out for that. All I'll do after that is go to our room, hug our dog, and ask why does he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I've tried to tell him how this makes me feel and that it's bad for the baby.. He does say he's sorry, eventually. He can't handle stress well at all, and he's going to be a father in 7 weeks..

My parents offered to let us stay at their house for about a week when the baby comes so they could help us. He immediately declined saying they'll tell us how to raise our son. No. They want to help us because They know it's hard. If someone offers to help me with my son, I will not turn it down. So husband gave me an ultimadum, choose between my parents or him.

He can't save money to save his life. He does go out and blow money on things that make no sense to me, expensive stuff too: music stuff, guitar stuff, and other random things. He'll say "money comes, money goes, might as well spend it while we have it." He says it keeps him occupied. If he wants to be occupied, he can find a job. He does bring in his unemployment check, but every time I tell him we need to talk about money, he'll get defensive and say he's bringing in more money than I am. I say to him it's our money, we need to be saving some for our son. We have no money saved for him and that makes me extremely upset. He is selfish and always thinks about himself, never the consequences. I started a savings account at my job and get some money taken out of each check. He doesn't know about it. I figured it's a little bit I can do to help.. I do work overtime so we can have money. But he goes and spends it.. I keep telling him not to, but we've had that argument many times before.. A few days ago, I packed everything of mine up, put it in my car, sat down, then cried for a few minutes. My husband called me and asked me to come inside, I did, then we talked everything out. All this was becasue of money.

He should get his priorities straight, he'll be a father in 7 weeks or less, and all he thinks about is himself. He asked me yesterday if he could go snowboarding with his friend a week after my due date. I told him absolutely not. He said why? You never let me go out with my friends or do anything fun blah blah... Well you're going to leave me here with your son while you go out and do God knows what. He wouldn't let me go out with my friends even if I wasn't pregnant. He controls my life, and I do hate that, he knows it.

I am 33 weeks pregnant. I honestly don't need this stress. I do love him and I do want to try to help him.. The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I've thought about yelling louder than him to get my point across, but I know that won't do anything. Sometimes I've thought about hurting myself but I would never hurt my son. He gets mad when I tell him I want to see my mother that lives 20 minutes down the road. He'll say I'm his wife and I need to spend time with him. I see her once a week, I work 4 days a week and see him every day regardless. I don't see my friends, I never go out, I can't go anywhere without being asked where am I going, who am I with, what am I doing, when will I be home, ect. He tells me he yells at me because if he talks normally, his point won't be taken or I won't listen to him. If he just talked to me like I'm a normal human being, I will listen. When he yells I do get scared that he'll hurt me.. (He hasn't)

I'm also afraid to leave the house if we get into a big argument becasue I don't want him cheating on me or talking to other girls. When he did talk to all those girls on the websites, he would talk about meeting them and doing everything he possibly could do to them. Luckily he hasn't gone out and seen anybody. He always says it won't happen agian, he's very sorry, he doesn't know what he was thinking, blah. I tell him every time that the next time this happens, I will take our son and leave. I just can't bring myself to the leaving part.. I don't know what he'll do..

I'm worried that my husband won't know what to do with the baby, or get stressed out, yell at him, shake him, or hurt him... I hope that once he's born, something will click in his mind saying MAN UP. If he keeps going like this, I'm afraid we'll end things.. I've suggested marriage counceling, he's for it, but we don't have the money for it. He does see a shrink for his bipolar, once a month if he remembers to go. I don't want to end things between us, but if it comes down to it, I might have to... If somebody could please help me or guide me in some direction I will be forever greatful.. I can use all the help I can get.. I'm being as open and as honest as I can get right now, I've delt with this myself for this long and I'm afraid I can't take it anymore. I need help, advice, support..


10/17/2012 06:07 PM
Posts: 13

I'm sorry you're going through this at such a big time in your life with the baby about here. He needs therapy and to be on medication even if it makes him sleepy. My husband was out of control 7 mo's ago. Spending money, irrational, loud, boisterous, He acted out in public. Just a real "ass"! His physciatrist gave him a good lecture. Told him to go into the hospital. He was inpatient for 12 days. He is much better. I dont remind him to take his pill at night anymore. He keeps his appointments and is back on track. I'll pray for you! It may take the threat of losing you for him to realize that he has an illness that needs addressed. It's hard, I know. Rely on family and friend to help out. God bless you.

10/17/2012 06:35 PM
chelle005Posts: 2462
Group Leader

I am sorry that you are going through this. If you feel that you are in danger even though he has yet to hurt you, I would consider this a big red flag. If you do not think that you can trust him with your child I would consider this really good time to re evaluate your current situation. You are going to be a mom and from now on your first second and third priority is your new baby. It sounds like you are having a few issues right now which are totally understandable but I would really encourage you to see someone. A lot of spouse living in these situations get ptsd. (As i raise my hand). If you are thinking of hurting yourself even for a second please go to an er and let them know. You may get post partem so again discuss at your next ob appointment that you would like to start some anti depressants now so they will already be in your system. At this point in the pregnancy they are safe and there are meds you can breast feed with. Many women are abused in their pregnancys because their husbands can not deal with it, add mental illness to it and the pressures of that and I get worried. Please be careful. I am very worried about you. Keep posting and congratulations on your baby.

10/17/2012 08:41 PM
Posts: 1651
Senior Member

Welcome to the group xxfantini! I am so sorry that you are being abused, it is not your fault! IMHO, what you describe goes way beyond mental illness and I feel your husband is an abuser. I think you would find a lot of help and clarity about your situation if you also join the 'Emotional Abuse' support group here at MDJ!

Some of the things that go beyond mental illness and into the abuse category IMO are...

Jealously, social isolation (he is isolating you from friends AND your family), checking your phone and demanding to know your other words EXTREMELY controlling, constant verbal abuse!

I am worried for you and your safety! If you ever feel that you or your son are in danger do not hesitate to cal 911!

Keep posting so we can support you!



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