don't want to leave, help please

I know this is going to seem repetetive, since everyone's stories that I've read so far almost exactly resemble mine. I'm so glad I'm not alone, and I really believed I was alone for years now.

I have been with my husband for 14 years, and for 14 years I've known something was wrong. When we first met, I was 13 and he was 17. Now I'm 27 and he is 31.

We have 4 children together, (12,9,5,2). I try so hard to protect my children from his illness and I promised them that when we moved back in last time (3yrs ago), that I would never leave again.

Things have changed now, and I've been dealing with his infidelity since my 2 year old was born. I was finally able to prove it after 6 months of knowing it was going on, and for another six months he refused to stop seeing the girl, and would leave for weekends at a time, leaving me in emotional shambles at home barely able to function enough to care for my children. They've seen me sad for so long.

Now he says he wants to work on it (that is, when he's not having an episode every other week). For a year now, we've been "working on it". It's so frustrating because he still refuses to let go completely of contact with her. His excuse is that they are friends and he likes to know how she's doing sometimes (every couple weeks at least). He doesn't seem to care that every time he picks up that phone, or worse, he is disrespecting me and causing me tremendous pain. He has transformed into this chronic cheater and liar. He then swings from that state to angry to depressed and sad. From there he talks his way back into me deciding to try again, and then he's so wonderful for a while. This cycle goes over and over. Cycles have been getting closer and closer together. They get more severe and sometimes a little violent and scary sometimes. I'm afraid I won't be able to find him one day, and my baby will be lost within himself.

I know in my head that the logical thing to do is leave, but my heart won't allow me. I love this man more than anything. That's a problem b/c I need to learn to love myself first. I'm working on that. I feel that I need to help him, but he won't see a doctor to even get officially diagnosed. He tried to get help 9 years ago and the doctor told him he had anger mgt problems and to come back when he really wanted help. He never went to another psych dr. again. The more I tell him he needs help,the angrier he gets. I need to find a new approach. HELP! By the way, I only feel comfortable "diagnosing" him b/c I work at a psych rehab facility, and I have experience enough to recognize the symptoms. I wish I had the power to give him what he needs.

Does anyone have any advise, please? I am desperate to keep my family together, but not at the cost of my mental wellbeing, or my kids'.

There is really so much more, but I can't write a book right now.

Gloria

to me, the bipolar is not under control. that would be the first thing to think about. perhaps you will be able to find the strength to help him do that, i know you must be pretty emotionally worn out.

marital infidelity is pretty crap. i think it would be pretty hard to forgive someone for that. but, that is better dealt with further down the road.

first thing is to get him proper medical help. did you say he is diagnosed as BP? also, if he is BP, then he would need some proper medication for that. is he on anti-depressants? I always think of that first only because in our situation, it turned out that anti depressants caused/exasperated mania in my wife and she became someone that i'd never seen or known.

i suppose if the BP could be properly treated then the other things you mention, (the layers of troubles that get layed on) might be worked out one way or another. in the meantime, my heart goes out to you. it sounds like a horrble time, but we've all been through these things and... we can tell you that... it can get better.

Please be aware that it will get worse the older he gets, particularly unmedicated. BP disorder has the highest suicide rate of any mental illness--25% (unmedicated).

Also, be aware that it is very difficult to find a good pdoc. Don't be afraid to keep trying different ones until you find someone good. But he has to be willing to try, and it doesn't sound like he is. I'm sorry for you for that. The right meds can make all the difference. But I know you already know that...

Hi! I found and joined this group back in October 2007 when I thought I had reached my limits, this is a wonderful place and I've found so many friends (both bipolor and SOs of bipolars)here. I came here bc I could not find a local support group for families of bipolars.

My husband too is bipolar, he's been dx'd twice, once about 8 years ago and recently at the beginning of the year. He admantly denies being bipolar and refuses to consider meds. The first time he was dx'd, he went home and researched it and went to get a second opinion with his new found knowledge. With this new information, he was able to give the second doc the information in order to cancel out the first dx of bipolar and he succeeded.

In October of 2007, I gave him the ultimatum of looking into his mental state of being or we cannot possibly make it. Let me preface by saying that we will be married two years the end of May and this is our second. He hid all of his symptoms from me until after we were married. As soon as the Justice of the Peace announced we were now husband and wife, he manifested into his true state, which is rapid cycling.

When I say he rapid cycles, I'm talking about minute by minute. He spends about 85% of the time depresses and 10% manic, so I only get 5% of the loving charming man I fell in love with. When I get so upset bc he uses me as his emotional punching bag and he asks what it is I want, I tell him that I want that charming man that I fell in love with. The loving, caring man that use to want to make me laugh instead of cry all the time. His come back is always "I can't be a comedian all the time!" I'm not asking for a comedian.

At the beginning of the year, he went through a series of tests that included be eval'd and MMPI. The psychol. eval and MMPI was dead on and gave a true picture of who he is and what he is. He still denies it and is currently blaming his depression of low testosterone and low blood sugar. Well, he went Friday to do blood work and his cholesterol is a little high, but everything else is within normal range, I mean smack dab in the middle of the range. Now he doesn't have all of that to blame his moods on.

He is 46 and has been like this so long, he feels he is perfectly normal and everyone is trying to make him fit into a mold and not allow him to express his emotions. The truth is he feels he is the only one allowed to express his emotions and everyone has to understand. He takes no responsibility for his actions and always has an excuse or get extremely defensive and starts attacking me (verbal not physical). He cannot say "I'm sorry", it alwasy I'm sorry but you have to understand, I'm sorry but you do it like this....., I'm sorry but I....... It's just and emotional rollercoaster for me and something I'm not use to.

As sad as it is, my husband has been that charming loving and caring man I fell in love with since I've been dx'd with Raynaud's, RA and possibly Lupus. He did the research and realized that I may have been predisposed, but it was triggered due to stress and he was and is 100% of my stress. I am not blaming him, he is blaming himself and out of this blame is guilt. I will say that usually with guilt, he will cycle into a deep depression and as awful as it sounds, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I apologize to the entire board for writing this book, please forgive me and thank you for giving me the outlet to do so. So welcome and you are not alone.

Everyone, take care and have a great day!

My husband also took the MMPI when he was hospitalized in a psych ward. As you say, it was dead on.

I'm sorry to hear what you and your children have been going thru. Reading stories like yours and others on this site remind me that, although I thought my situation was the worst that anyone could ever endure, there are people in much worse situations than I was in.

I'm going to offer some advise a little different that I normally do (Gloria, we've kinda flip-flopped roles here, LOL). I think you need to LEAVE HIM, at least until he admits he has a problem and is actively, and commited to seeking treatment. You say his cycles are getting closer together, more severe, and sometimes a little violent and scary. That's not good. He must stop seeing the other girl, too. Infidelity is very difficult to overcome in a marriage, although not impossible (as I can attribute to). All the love in the world will not make him change, only he can initiate any change.

I think you need to listen to your head and not your heart now, you head knows better. Your heart only know the love you have for him, but your head can rationalize the impossibility of continuing in a relationship like yours.

Seek counseling, if you haven't already. Take care of yourself and your children. You are the only stability in their lives right now.

Come back here as often as you like, there are lots of great people ready and willing to offer you support and understanding.

Pawl

I have to agree with all of the previous advice. I have walked more than a mile in your shoes and do know exactly where you are coming from. It is a heart breaking, emotionally damageing situation to be in. It will take you some time to get things straight in your mind; and heal your wounded heart, it takes some longer than others. It was a very slow growth for me, much longer than I expected of myself. My soul wanted to keep returning to it's home. But it is finally happening, I know you understand you can't fix him, and love him so much, but soon you won't be much good to either of you. When you crush your spirit it is extremely hard to regain it. If you need to vent please feel free to vent as much as you like. You can always PM one of us. I'm just learning how to nagivate this site, this is a whole new world for me. Then again, we are all here to learn. My heart is with you in spirit, I know your pain. Hang on....

Babblej