Bipolar in the family Support Group

My boyfriend is bipolar. he is in the military on the east coast and our relationships mostly been on a distance but he would visit me like every weekend. So I recently moved to the west coast and things changed. He stopped contacting me by phone at all.Every time we would talk was only because i called him. So I started to think that he was trying to end our relationship and every time i would ask him whats going on he would deny it and say that we still together but he just didnt feel like calling me or that he was too busy. So after several times the same situation happen he finally texeted me that he was bipolar and i didnt know what it was untill i made a web search and im just completly devostated! i called him and he only talked to me like 10 min he sounded completely gloomed,sad and he barely talked to me.i guess he is in the episode of depression right now. i asked him if he seeing a doctor he said that he is seeing a doctor and taking medications.But i couldnt get him to talk,he said he doesnt have an urge to do anything! Im s overwelmed!I ve never seen him like that he seemed completely out of this world! but my concern is that is is living on the marine base right now i dont know if doctors there are taking a good care of him, his parents are old and live in some other city and they dont seem to care alot!!! i know that he stopped his online college and but he still works his normal job.but I dont know much more cuz he doesnt want to talk and i dont want to push on him im scared to make it worse! and he is the only person who could tell me about whats going on with him but he is in his episode so i cant count on him !And im so far away and cant go where he is now. Im really drained I dont know what to do,how to act should i keep calling him and try to find out whats going on with him more,get him to talk more? or should i wait till he will come out of this episode and call me? People! please advise me how to talk to him ,what to say and what not? another concern is that: if they still let him work and normally perform is making his condition worse? or this disoder doesnt affect work functions? PLEASE GUYS,ADVISE,SHARE OPINIONS,IM REALLY SCARED!THANK YOU!

cureit89 , Welcome to the group I too am a gf of someone that has bipolar . From experience i know that bipolar affects the person that suffers in every aspect of their lives usually . The only thing you can do is when you do talk to him tell him you are there for him . Otherwise he may need some space right now . Meantime i would take care of yourself and learn all you can about bipolar . Maybe you can speak with a counselor yourself so that he/she can help you with coping strategies. Bipolar is a lifelong disorder but with proper meds and therapy it can be managed . Best of luck to you and keep us posted we are here for you.

Cureit89 - welcome to the group and my heart goes out to you. If he says the military is treating him, then you can have some peace of mind. A friend of my oldest son is in the marines, back from Iraq but still in the marines. He has been treated himself for mental health issues and they are paying attention.

I would be more concerned if he had stated the military didn't know. If he is seeing a military doctor they are fully aware of what bipolar is and should be watching him.

I would recommend the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar". There are a couple other really good books, but since he is not physically with you, this is a good one to start with. Two others are Unquiet Mind and the Everything Health Guide to Adult Bipolar.

As scary as this is, unless he is threatening harm to himself or others, give him his space. The good news is, it seems as though he accepts it and is open about it. Let him work through his episode and when he is more stable then try to talk to him about it.

Learning more than what the internet can tell you is extremely important. The internet will tell you what the disease is, symptoms, and other information - but not really what is going on in their minds, or how to respond and interact.

Each BP is different in how there disease effects them - so it is hard to say what approach is the best. My best advice - give him space and take the time to REALLY REALLY read! Do not panic, get educated. Know what you will be in store for if you choose to stay in the relationship - and then make a decision if you believe you can try and go the distance with this illness.

Once you are more educated (than the internet) and you can talk to him more about how his bipolar affects him - you can step back and make the tought decision of grab hold and love him; or be honest and walk away.

He may be grateful you took the time to understand the disease, more than just googling it. And when you do have the chance to talk to him, tell him you love him, and want to understand better from him what he believes will help him most. Listening on your side more than talking will give you really good insight.

It sounds like there is no telling what type of BP he has, mild, severe, etc.. Again, I wouldn't be too scared. Being in the military will limit your ability to help him, without being a spouse. So do what you can by educating yourself, giving him the space he needs, be supportive, loving, understanding and willing to listen.

I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but take it from an 11 year veteran of this disease - I wish I had had the opportunity to really learn about the affects before having to deal with it day to day. I would have made less mistakes and been able to cope much better than I have. This is 20/20 hindsight advice.

You have reached out to a good group of people who care. We are all in different stages with our loved ones. Some are stable, some on the run, some in severe episodes. You will have to not read too much into what we say or feel because you don't know what is happening. But it will give you an idea of the different things you can expect Good, Bad & Ugly.

While you may feel alone you are not. BTW - A text that says "not to worry, you understand, love him and will be there when he is ready or needs you" is not a bad text to send. His honesty should be admired; he could have easily kept this hidden based on your circumstances.

Thanks for responding! it gave me an idea of whats going on! I appreciate it!

Question is: should I keep calling or texting my bipolar boyfriend when he is in the epizode of depression or just leave him alone?? he doesnt really talk to me when I call. I tried to text him like inspiring messages saying that Im there for him and I know that he is going through the hard times.... is it a goog idea to do or should i just be silent waiting for him to call?? please advise me!!!

Thanks once again Susan! But I still have couple of questions u said give him space did u mean stop trying to contact him for now? cause I text him from time to time messages like: Im here for u,I love u,I know ur going through hard times and stuff like that.....but he never responds I guess its normal for his condition but Im so confused I dont know if thats right? maybe me doing that makes him feel even worse???? Should I tell him that Im educating myself about bipolar? and should call him and if he is sielnt about how he feels should I try to tell him whats going on in my school lfe,work life and etc.. Just to get his mind a little away from thinking and suffering his condition? would that be helpful? If I u have any ideas about that please let me know! thanks,PEACE!

cureit89:

Is your bf on Medication..? My son is currently in the Marines also. He was not aware of his condition until recently. I really think the stress of boot camp put him into a depression and triggered the BP. My husband was just dx with BP TYPE 2 and it was triggered by my son leaving for the Marines. My son is currently seeking therapy thru the military and has been put on Medication. If he seeks help thru the military it is very important that he is very, very honest with what is going on with his emotions, because they will just give him anti-depression meds which is not a good thing if he is truly BP. This can make someone with BP much worse.

He will need a mood stabilizer in addition. My son also is seeking help outside of the military they are the ones that gave him the dx. The military told him that it was just depression which is not the case.

If there is any chance that he may be deploying anytime soon he really needs to address this. Deployment would not be a good thing for someone with BP. The stress would most likely cause an episode.

My son will not be deploying due to his dx and as a mother this make me very happy. However of course he is very disappointed with himself and feels like he is letting his guys down, but i am very proud of him for speaking up and addressing his feelings.

My advice to you would be to give him some space. Once you stop the communication he will most likely seek you out for support. I know how hard this is for you but at this point there is not alot that you can do. The Military owns him as long as he is active. I would love to get on a plane and bring him home but that is not an option. Please keep us posted. You are not alone my dear.

2boys2men - I couldn't imagine being in your shoes. There is that lioness in us that I don't know I could or would control it. My heart is with you. It is good to hear though he is handling the BP and not masking it - just to be deployed. I know when they are in the military they have that need to be where their friends are or have been.

Cureit89 - It is hard to say whether it is right or wrong to text, leave messages etc. I know when my hubby was extremely manic and on the run, I tried it both ways. I don't know which helped. I am not convinced it helped at all at the time I was doing it; but he did save them and I know later listened/read them. In the end he did come home and after 11 years of denial is accepting the illness and trying to comply with treatment - so they may have done some good.

Every person with or without BP is different and responds differently to how they interpret communications. Individuals with BP are no different. While many traits and actions can be the same - they are still individuals who are going to vary depending on their primary personality. Someone who is somewhat private and withdrawn when not manic, may not respond as well to the communication as someone who is typically open and outgoing even when stable.

If he tells you to give him space I would honor it. But if he hasn't said to stay away or requested you not to contact him, then simple uncomplicated non-pushing communication is not a bad thing. He will know you are there, know you care and will come around as his illness allows. I do know the harder I pushed, pleaded, cried, etc... the farther away he went. I don't know if it was his inner guilt of seeing me that way or it just frustrated/angered him. But either way it didn't help. The more I gave him room, let him know I was there, doing fine, he was in my thoughts - but I was strong and doing well (even though I wasn't) the more he came around.

There are no perfect answers. I remember telling my therapist I had screwed up so bad in trying to handle him that there was no return. She told me to never, say never - especially with BP. She was right. You will make mistakes along the way until you find what is the best way to interact with him in different episodes at the various stages. Take it slow and give yourself as much room as you are trying to give him. You obviously care, just don't become so afraid of making a mistake you walk on unnecessary eggshells.

thanks 2boys2men!! I dmire ur strength!! dealing with 2 bipolar individuals must be so hard. God Bless you! I think he is on medication and I knw for sure he isnot seeking for deployment. And I m trying to find out more but its kinda hard cause he rarely talk to me and sometimes doesnt want to discuss his problem at all. But I keep praying and waiting. Ill keep u posted. Thanks for support very much! And what station ur son assigned to?

Thanks once again Susan! I think that knowing him he would appreciate me remainding about myself from time to time, though he wouldnt say it. One of the times we were talking he told me that he would call me when he feels better and I asked him if I can call him meanwhile, he said its ok. Basically all I can to do is to wait and pray and its so haaard! Thanks for recommending me those books I'll be geting them in couple of days. Ill keep posting,thank you. Hope ur doing ok and ur husband too.God Bless both of you!