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texmex
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Hi My husband is bipolar and we have been living with his disease for 4 years since he was officially diagnosed. I was not well informed or did not seek real understanding with his depression until now. But I feel like I have hit bottom in our relationship. We are co-existing together and our daughter is starting to react to the stress in our house. For a bit of history we both work for the same company and my career has sky rocketed and he is fighting to keep his. I am now "corporate" and dont understand him and what he is going through. The saving grace for me is he is gone offshore for 5 weeks and then is home for 5 weeks. When he is gone all is calm in the house, my daughter and I have a routine and I miss him or my fantasy of my old husband. When he is home he watches tv all day and at night can drink a bottle of wine and sit in front of the tv, it is as if his manic stage is offshore and his depressive stage is at home. I work long hours and have no support from him and I just want the rock I had when we married. It is as if I have passed him up in life and I know somewhere in all of his pain he is trying to get out, but does not feel he can. So I need an outlet with others to understand how I can better cope, because I want him to leave and not come back until he is better. I am not the most supportive as I now don't want to be around him. and that makes me feel really bad. |
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blee
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Howdy I'm Brandy and my husband is also bipolar, i hate it!!! but I love him so much and i know how you feel. My husband has spent the last few months in depresstion, and it finally peeked ,with his upmost hate and digusted for me lol. I can only tell you that you are not alone ,I am still learning and adjusting myself. and I am feeling the same way you are. don't forget to breathe and talk on this group it is strating to help me. Post edited by: blee, at: 04/24/2008 17:32 |
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TerriTee
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Hi, tex and blee, Welcome to the group. My husband also has bipolar disorder. (And I am also deeply in love with him). I think the learning and adjusting are something that will always be there. But, it has helped so much to talk to others and realize I'm not alone. I believe the depression is the hardest for me to deal with. It's so difficult, like living with someone who looks like my husband, but doesn't act or sound like him. Sending hugs to both of you! Terri  Post edited by: TerriTee, at: 04/24/2008 18:08 Most people don't know that there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life - Brian Andreas
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crig
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Tex, Blee and Terri, You guys are not alone, I am also married to a bipolar. We'll be married 2-years the end of May and he hid all of his emotions from me until after we were married. Unlike you guys, my husband rapid cycles. He can be up one minute and rock bottom the next. I never know what sets him off, and if it sets him off this time, it may not the next. He says the most hurtful things and denies his diagnosis and refuses to take responsibilities for any of his actions. He claims he's entitled to feel depressed bc any normal person would feel depressed. He tells me that I'm the most upbeat and optimistic person he's ever known and that's the part of my personality he hates. He causes his own stress by procrastinating. He comes up with excuses why he should not do something or why study for the test, he's not going to pass. On the 11th hour, he turns into jeckle/hyde and God help us all. Denies the racing thoughts and when he gets depresssed, he tries to convince me that he's just tired and needs to lie down, and I don't afford him that luxury. How can you be exhausted all the time when you do absolutely NOTHING!!!! Sorry, and thank you for allow me to vent. |
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blee
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I understand the part about not being motivated, My husband and I have been together for 8 years and I can't tell you how many jobs he has walked out on. He is once agian unemployed and trying to sell things on craigs list. I work as a pre-k teacher making little money and i go to school part time. Together we have 4 children. so I am now taking care of my children and his. I get so mad when I come home seeing him on xbox or watching tv. The house will be a mess and dinner not started. I often don't say anything because I never know what mood he will be in. I feel like we walk on eggshells around him. |
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crig
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I walk on eggshells all the time, it's so hard. This weekend we went to one of those buy-in-bulk warehouse and he had a temper tantrum because I told him I didn't think we should buy a compost starter box thing. We don't have a garden, neither of us has a green thumb and what little bit of veggie cuttings I can put in it won't amount to a hill of beans unless he puts grass clippings in it. Well, he doesn't mow, so there you go. Ever seen a grown man walk through the store with his arms crossed across his chest pouting......sure is pathetic! |
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babblej
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Walking on Eggshells After reading everyones comments I feel like just jumping up and saying "Thank You" I'm not the only one. I too walk on eggshells all the time, I was beginning to think that it was just me not holding myself to my own standards.. that I just couldn't face rocking the boat and felt very inadequate. With all the years of learning and all the tools that I do have at hand I still do that. I get very down on myself, and very angry because I have to live my life that way. That is why being part of a group like this has helped me to get past some of that disappointment in myself. Friends that have no experience with this behavior just make statements like "you shouldn't have to live that way in your own house" She (meaning my daughter) has no respect for you. what is the matter with her, you need to set boundries. I could go on and on. Again; people that live with this realize that WE DO try to set boundries, we do issue consquences for behavior, but at times nothing works. Never knowing what's around the corner makes a person ever vigilant. We are sometimes living in an abusive enviorment. Learning to live in that enviorement goes totally against my grain. If it were not my daughter, and my grandchildren I can only hope that I would not choose to live with it. No one knows what they will Really Do until they are faced with the same choice. Trial and Error. Seems we are all doing what we can to the best of our ability. We all cry for each other, and with each other. Commend one another, and support one another. Step out onto the sidewalk and breath in the air, walk on the dirt, something that is real. The eggshells we are walking on are in our mind. I'm not always good at practicing what I preach, vent;vent;vent. When it gets bad. Babblej
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suzeP
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Babble... you said it all so very well. Before I understood, all the BP stuff, I often said to myself "The people who know me, would not believe what I live with behind closed doors." With the BP son, the BP husband mixed with all the alcohol, things stay pretty twisted. Outside of this turmoil, I'll call a homelife, I am well respected, as well as respectful to others, have a great sense of humor, and have a can do attitude. Unless you have lived it, no one can understand, that normal growth by setting boundaries, and resulting consequences DOES NOT CHANGE BEHAVIOR. All rational attempts to point out destructive behavior, are met with more chaos,instead on internalizing the productive ideas offered. They twist helpful suggestions in their mind as a wrong against them (A put down and it brings on the anger) I like the way Red put the BP mind... it's like being in a snow globe looking out where everything beyond their perspective is blurred, and there's always a storm raging within..... I think perhaps the hardest part being amongst this chaos, is the abscence of personal growth. Lots of literature says to "detach ", but kinda hard to do when it is always in your face and bombarding your mind. SuzeP Post edited by: suzeP, at: 04/29/2008 21:19 |
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babblej
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Detaching--- Seems I have not been able to achieve that without losing sight of my own feelings. I can't seperate things into sections. Detaching / or shutting down emotionally seem to be the same thing for me. When that happens I become depressed myself. What goes on behind the scenes is sooooo accurate. Everyone that knows me thinks that I am the most organized, self asurred, wise, calm together person that they know. Now that is just flat crazy in its own right.... I have heard it over and over again " you are such a strong person" I'm sure that most of us that live with this are all told the same thing. Don't you just want to scream when someone says that.? You make it look so easy, (that's another one) They have NO idea how fragile we can be also, and that at times we are holding on by a thread. I think the biggest difference in us and the people we love that are battleing BP is that we just happen to have a little more control of our emotional balanceing act. I think we all fit on the scale, some start at the lower end, and move on everything inbetween. |
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suzeP
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Babblej...I have said it before on this sight. Some Psychs describe BP, as "Low emotional IQ". I think a good description. The part of the brain that proceses how to control your emotions, and recognize different perspectives (not just your own), leading to good social skills, somehow does not work properly. Right now, my home situation is once again in turmoil. The BP son (24) is in a Manic phase. Came over to our house last Fri nite, running his head to me and his Dad. We have helped him way beyond what we were obligated to do. And that was partly because he is living with my elderly father helping out (mostly when the Mood strikes him) yet there is no sense of appreciation or gratitude (Go Figure!). He said some really nasty things to his Dad, who is now dwelling on them. His Dad came home drunk, last night----"DWELLING" on the Son's behavior, disrespect. Lucky Me, Right? Anyway, nothing new here, but I find myself in a "mental place" today. As Strong as others also say I am, and as educated as I am on the BP condition, how does a person with real emotions, find peace? I agree with you easier said than done to emotionally detach, when what is around you should be making your life Happy, and not miserable. SuzeP Post edited by: suzeP, at: 04/30/2008 11:47 |
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"I wear this for all addicts. Because I have all the hope in the world that it ca..." (liveforthis02162)