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08/20/2009 01:56 AM

Hi... feel like a single parent ..

intheclouds
Posts: 2
New Member

Hi I'm new here. It seems, I am just weaker than a lot of you here. Most of you are very supportive of your BPS but I don't know if I have any positive energy left in me anymore. I'm tired and exhausted from raising two young kids, 6 and nearly 3, without much help and input from my BH. Not to mention, dealing with this illness. Because sleeping was important for my BH, I always had night duty with both our kids. How do you, as parents of young ones, handle parenting? My BH doesn't take the kids to the park or participate in any school/bday party/sports events. Hell, he doesn't ever even want to walk around the neighborhood with me and the kids. Instead, he chooses to show them inappropriate movies/shows. For example, he almost forced our son (then 3) to watch Lord of the Rings when our son kept yelling that it was scaring him.

He loves his kids but I question his judgements.

He never wants to spend much time with me/kids. Instead, he will make time to go out binge drinking with his friends. At the most, he will spend 10 minutes with the kids a day, if that. On the weekend, his idea of quality time is to sit the kids in front of the television or push video games on them while he is on the computer watching HIS movies. Housework? Forget about it! He doesn't lift a finger. Actually, I have to give him credit to one thing. He will take out the trash because of the smell. He's kind of paranoid of bad odors.

We've been married for nearly 10 years. Ever since the day I said "I Do", our lives have been a roller coaster. He has been diligently taking his meds but was drinking heavily and staying out til the early morning hours, which really negated his meds. He became violent a few times, needed intervention, counseling, etc. Had major episodes every year. I put my foot down nearly two years ago with his drinking and staying out late. It was the alcohol/partying or me/kids. It woke him up and he finally decided to give up drinking or so to speak. Actually, his pdoc diagnosed him with anxiety disorder and put him on meds to control his anxiety hoping to stop his need to self medicate with alcohol. I was hoping that the man I married would return but so far for a few passing moments. Most of the time he is a dark, negative, unemotional, noncaring, stubborn, unreasonable withdrawn persons who blames all of his misery on me.

After 10 years together, it's still very hard to figure out what part is BP and what part is his personality. When I ask him to make small changes in his lifestyle, he comes back with "I am BP and you don't understand anything about it!" He never has remorse or guilt about anything he's done or said. Doesn't ever feel grateful for being there for him. Is this part of BP? somehow, I don't think so. I encourage him to go see a tdoc but flatly refuses. He says that kind of stuff is all b**s***. don't know what I can expect of him. He takes good care of his meds, doc appts, etc. so I feel I shouldn't complain but at the same time, I can't help but feel that all is not right. Whoever is listening, thanks for your ear tonight.[url]

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08/20/2009 05:34 AM
stamperben
Posts: 195
Member

From reading your description of him and having flashbacks to the early years of my marriage I can tell you that a lot of his behavior sounds like what I had then - Selfishness. Although that alone does not make a person bipolar, for I am not, I am married to one, it is a huge part of a bipolar's behavior. We all are selfish to some degree, it is part of our personality. But even for those who had never shown it much, as with my wife, the illness will bring it out full throttle.

Do your best to take care of yourself and make "me" time for you. Seek counseling of your own or join a local support group to learn best how to work with the illness. At least stay in touch here in these forums. We can't fix anything but it does wonders knowing you're not alone and that people care.


08/20/2009 12:23 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

intheclouds, Welcome to the group Are you in counseling for yourself? If not that maybe will help you to deal with this. Yes sometimes it is hard to separate what is the disorder and what is his actuaul personality . It is very important to take care of you though

08/20/2009 03:54 PM
intheclouds
Posts: 2
New Member

I have been to counseling for myself but did not really get much out of it. I think i need to find a therapist who closely works with BPs to provide better insight. I am seeking out local support groups as well.

StamperBen, thank you for validating my suspicions. I do think he is selfish and is hiding behind BP. My BH has made a conscious choice to take his meds everyday and has stuck by it (which I am thankful for). What I don't understand is, if he was able to make a conscious decision to take meds, why can't he make a conscious decision to make healthy lifestyle choices? like sleeping at a decent time, like excercising, like eating healthy? It seems to me, he is choosing to stay out late,choosing to hang w/guys who just wants to drown themselves with alcohol, choosing to sit in front of the tv/computer every spare minute, choosing not to eat anything that could be healthy....and just choosing not to cooperate with just about anything remotely good for him and the family. I understand when BPs are not well, they will not cooperate and we really cannot reason with them in that state. My BH is on meds..soo does this mean his meds may not be working??Sigh...


08/20/2009 07:20 PM
sc4070
 
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

intheclouds - You are anything but in the clouds, sounds more like the trenches Smile It is definately difficult to deal with them, but I don't know what would be worse denial of the illness or using it as an excuse. I think you win. Many of the books I have read and talking to many people have confirmed and reconfirmed it doesn't always turn around. Meds are only part of the solution. Both underscore both, have to participate in making it work. I know I don't stand a chance of surviving with my hubby without him on meds; but I also know if after time the meds are not enough to get him to the point he sees the illness and works towards making our relationship work - I will have a difficult choice to make. I would talk to the doctor, meds could be part of the problem - or it could be your BH needs to start accepting responsibility and accountability & choose what is most important.

My heart goes out to you - I know what it is like without meds - but really don't think I could handle what I have knowing he was med compliant. I think I would finally have to draw the line.

(((intheclouds))) Hang in there and many hugs.


08/20/2009 08:27 PM
Johanna2
Johanna2  
Posts: 27
Member

Intheclouds,

My husband also never ate well. The only thing that woke him up was a heart attack. He now eats very well. Some people know what they should be doing, but need a close call to do something about it. My husband also doesn't spend much time with our girls. He is on his computer or out on his own. Our kids are teenagers and he thinks they are all about themselves. I told him that is how teenagers are, but he doesn't get it. They come to me for everything and I wish he could be a more hands on dad. I often wonder myself, what part is bipolar and what part is his personality. I know that bipolar is a very selfish disease. His selfishness still hurts every time I see it.


08/20/2009 08:56 PM
sc4070
 
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

They are all different. My hubby even at his worst - would spend time with our grandson, hours on end talking and babbling with him - when he wouldn't speak to the rest of us. Or, he would always make one of the boys go with him where ever he went. From the time they were young to now 14, 16 & 26. He always wanted them to go with him. It was only recently during his last episode he even started showing some of the worst of symptoms in front of the kids. That is how I knew this time was the worst ever.

I don't know how much of it is the disease and how much is just the personality. We have been fighting this illness for over 11 years with no meds; if we had been going through everything we have and him being med compliant I honestly believe I would have left by now. I have been driven to the deepest darkest brinks of despair & sometimes fear from the mental, emotional and physical abuse. I always prayed for the chance to try it with meds, but have sworn to myself I deserve a meaningful happy life too. If and when mine becomes med compliant (right meds) and the personality remains the same as what it has become, I don't honestly know if I will be able to continue. I pray he will turn around, but expect flare ups. That I can handle. But using the illness as an excuse to not try and be responsible or accountable (hopefully he doesn't learn that one out of the play book) - I believe I would have to eventually walk away.


08/23/2009 09:14 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11541
Group Leader

This responds to only a small part of your poignant post, but I think it is important--Bipolar people cannot handle exposure to lots of people, I have found with the BPs I know. Those of us who are non-BP are casual with our comments and rarely suspect that one thing we might say could cause someone to have a really bad week, but that is, in fact, what might happen when a bipolar person encounters someone who is cruel or just insensitive. My husband tries to avoid crowds and I don't take him to weddings, graduations, etcs. This all sucks, I know, and I hope you avoid the worst suckage.

08/23/2009 09:29 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

marriedtoit , So very true . I know my bf can not be around no more then 3people at a time . so a lot of times big events are out of the question .

08/23/2009 09:51 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11541
Group Leader

Too much stimulation, too much input, maybe. Thank you for being the first person to actually respond to something I put on here! I was more desparate for feedback than I let on. TY TY TY.
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